Serving Under Shepard
by Vshard
Summary: Given another chance Kaidan Alenko would have said it better - done it better. He'd known Shepard a long time, watched too many chances go by, too many advances fall unnoticed, but love comes softly anyway... ME1 Shenko, ME2 Epilogue.
1. Her Past, His Memories

_"Commander?"_

_"Something you need, Lieutenant?"_

_"I just wanted you to know... I've enjoyed serving under you."_

_The words rang over again in Kaidan's ears. There were so many ways now he would have said it better - done it better, but it was a bit late now. Every conversation they'd had, he'd tried to slide the point across the table... that he cared... that he... All he wanted to do was kiss her.. kiss her, but he could not bring himself past the line where she'd notice - he wasn't just her subordinate anymore._

* * *

Before Lieutenant Alenko ever met Shepard, he knew her. It was more than the hardened career woman the world knew in the vids. It was a quieter, more serene Shepard. He'd seen her once or twice as stops between tours crossed their paths in bureaucratic offices and introspective hallways. He hadn't known her history then, just her name, Shepard. There was no Akuze, not yet.

A more tacky than functional bamboo roof caught Kaidan alone on leave, ankle-deep in boot-filling sand with a drink that was more Jack than Coke. He was picturing her - Rahna - and how, no matter how many times he tried to put the sparkle into the memory of her eyes, she looked at him, broken. He was certain the years that had passed must have filled the warmth back in, but that day there was no accusatory glare, no rampant fear, no .. gratitude, nothing for him to react to in any other way, but to take that hurt into himself. The years had added a chilling crack to his last image of her face as the echo of Vyrnnus' broken body became the sound of Rahna's eyes. He was no longer certain that part hadn't been real.

"Are you that stupid?"

The voice - it wasn't for him. Beyond the tiki hut thing, a couple, whom he had taken for lovers on a last hurrah, faced each other. The male half of the dysfunctional pair had taken a higher ground along the rocks of the beach. The thin straw weave above Kaidan's head obscured the man from his shoulders up, leaving only his lanky, fatigue-clad lower half available for inspection. If it could be said, without merit of expression, that his body held only tense contempt, it did.

The woman, shortened both by matter of birth and vantage point, looked .. shamed.. and nearly apologetic. She too wore the Alliance grey, but her bearing was more stunned than proud. Kaidan drank in the tilt of her lips, the curves of her face. It was a different Shepard than the one he'd come to distantly admire. The man, whoever he was to her, had changed her.

The scene shifted in angle as the standing couple began to walk farther down the beach. The man had.. something.. in his hands that he was detailing the use of with great gestures of pseudo-importance. The man's head was in view now, though it was was only the backside retreating. He had short, brown hair - not much to go on. Kaidan found himself clenching his drink as though he might boil the beverage with the intensity of his ... jealousy? No, anger. Why wouldn't she argue - stand up for herself. He, and many others that had met her, could well vouch for her keen intelligence. It was one of the qualities that drew him to notice her at all - that and the quiet... though it did her no good now.

Ahead, the two figures turned. The man's eyes were already on the road ahead though Shepard turned her face straight to him, pleading with her body in a way her voice would not, pleading with... longing.

"I need to go. It's just six months." She began, apologetic and stumbling.

"Yeah, you'll find some hot subordinate to shack up with while you're gone." The unidentified soldier's voice held more than contempt. To him, his statement was already fact.

There. There was the anger. It pinked her cheeks and narrowed her eyes. She turned, hauled her sea bag onto her shoulder and began walking for the far shore.

"I love you, you know." Working to pin her, Shepard's lover called his twisted version of sweet nothings to her back.

She didn't turn.

Good girl.

* * *

He'd known where she had gone or rather he'd found out. The whole world had learned about a place it previously could have cared less about - Akuze. His Shepard - the one he 'knew' was a fighter, the only one to survive. How horrible must it have been to live on daily with the most recent wounds in your memory playing over on news vids from Arcturus to the Terminus Systems.

He could hardly fathom having the will to defeat such odds with a love such as the beach-man to return to. What was the pushing force? _I must live today so my will to live can be squelched later?_ _For the kind endearing words.. stupid, idiot._ Perhaps he'd carried it a bit far, he had no insight into Shepard's private life but a few glimpses. Kaidan tried to imagine himself there, surrounded by the dying, a large mouth of a beast gaping above, shields gone, pistol overheated, and his body too drained to even flare a corona. _For Rahna?_ For the cold eyes of his runaway? No... _for Shepard._ For the chance he might manage to speak to her.

These were the thoughts on the Lieutenant's mind as he punched in a few last commands into the console near the mess hall and began his walk to the bridge for take-off. It wasn't often he was in the co-pilot's seat, but every beginning, especially one as unique as the _Normandy's_ first run, required just a few last checks by hand. The view was generally nothing to be scoffed at either even if the company was - in good fun. Especially when the present company was currently grumbling about something Captain Anderson wasn't telling them.

"You're paranoid." Kaidan teased. There was not even a smirk from the pilot in response. It was another piece of clear evidence that Kaidan's humor was an acquired taste.

"Only an idiot believes the official story." Joker retorted, but Kaidan's mind was no longer paying attention. There she was, armored up, back straight, and hands crossed behind her back. He'd though the man on the beach had changed her, but it seemed Akuze had also had a few words to say on that matter.

"They don't send spectres on shakedown runs." Shepard's firm voice backed Joker up.

Kaidan conceded the commander's point and returned his attention to the console though any real work on it only occurred after the woman over Joker's shoulder retreated to meet with the captain.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

_Not much yet, but much more to come. Standard stuff applies – I don't own the characters, game plot, or world they're set in, but other than that the story is mine. Some liberties have been taken and will further be taken with what has been and what will be, but it's a plausible way I could see it happening... if it were real._


	2. Hammer, Duct Tape

Somewhere in the midst of the post-relay systems check, an alarm began emanating from the console. Kaidan slid back, initially considering the many ways that could have been his fault. A glance to Joker held up the bridge to temporary relief until the message began playing. "We are under attack! Taking heavy casualties. I repeat - heavy casualties! We can't... ...eed evac! They came out of nowhere. We need..... "

Short moments after the message was patched through to Anderson, Commander Shepard stalked up toward the bridge. "Alenko. Jenkins. With me."

The blood ran cold in Kaidan's veins as he suited up. Eden Prime... the beacon of human colonization, full of civilians and soldiers who had one of the sometimes-enviably, more lazy tours possible. What was that ship?

"...in heavy and head straight for the dig site." The orders of his commanding officer suddenly came to the forefront of Kaidan's attention. His head snapped up, "What about survivors, Captain?"

Without hesitation, Anderson replied, "Secondary objective. The beacon is your top priority."

There was no further room for worry. Nihlus, the spectre of previous discussion, disappeared from view as he made his own drop. Soon after Alenko, Jenkins, and Shepard were away.

It was a clean drop and a sound location. Not a hostile in sight... except strange, floating, gas bags. Their stink pervaded his hardsuit systems, cycling through a fitting, odorous soundtrack for a planet that was not moving. He followed the commander's lead, pushing down doubts when it seemed they moved in circles on the eerily beautiful terrain. His ears were perked for the sound of a scream, the click of a sidearm or worse.

He didn't hear the telltale click as Jenkins rounded the bend, following Shepard's signal, but the man was just as dead when the gunfire subsided. The next round of hostiles slid into action during the reverent pause that followed. This time Lieutenant Alenko was ready for them.

"Enemy targets sighted, Commander."

* * *

By the time they reached the beacon, so many things had gone wrong that the sight of Shepard flying up into the air shouldn't have seemed that odd. Kaidan was still dazed.

There had been a strong pull, a silent voice that had found an answering call in all the pain he held within. Hope and despair flowed together like twin rivers. Shepard's body collided with his as though he were an opposing lineman then she was taken. Only the armed insistence of their newfound comrade, Gunnery Chief Williams, stopped him from going to her ... like a fool, a simpering, overprotective fool.

* * *

Back on the ship, once he cleared de-con and health queries, Kaidan threw himself into the nearest, even remotely defective, console, tearing it to pieces in the most professional-mechanic way he could manage. He had mostly avoided Chief Williams, her presence seething the dark failure that was the loss of Jenkins, the near-loss of the commander, and the complete snafu that was their mission.

Inside he was burning. Outside he was working methodically though he was, in fact, systematically repairing the unbroken. Slowly, just slowly, he internalized it all, cooling within despite one nagging spark. One glance to the med-bay became two feet moving in that direction, but he paused at the door. She wouldn't want him - anyone - to see her like that. He wouldn't. A part of him knew that to see Shepard as other than superhuman... other than officer... would continue to impair him, like today.

The door clicked open anyway. Dr. Chakwas' face came into view, surprised.

Kaidan's resolve stumbled. "I'll ah.. be in the mess if she needs me."

It later occurred to him that a more normal response would have been to inquire how Shepard was, but by then he was back at his station.

* * *

He didn't think about Shepard much after that, not on the surface anyway. The illusion of the quiet outcast became tucked away - someone else. Shepard became just the commander.

When she approached him later, his hands and hair were full of grease. The dim orange lights of the console that would not co-operate - or operate at all really since his last... doctoring of it - provided him with no mirror. In the midst of internal cursing, he'd actually not heard her approach until a cool voice sliced into his solitude. "Lose a bet?"

"Ah… yes, Commander."

It was easier than admitting that he'd gotten so involved with the repair, he hadn't noticed the grease sliding from his fingers as he pushed them through his hair, thinking about the solution. The problem was, he couldn't help but embellish the lie, but his mind wasn't built to create fantasy scenarios on a whim. "Joker he..."

"I get the picture, Lieutenant." The world shifted slightly at the amused twitch of Shepard's lips.

Kaidan slid his hand up, wiping at the grease he now felt acutely, but managed only to smear it across his forehead. "Was there something you needed, Commander?"

"Just wanted to see how you were holding up." The cadence of her voice closed off the world of the _Normandy_, leaving just the conversation between them.

The lieutenant sighed as he abandoned his work completely, "Never do get used to seeing dead civilians, Ma'am."

She nodded, but didn't speak. Lacking a readable cue for the appropriate social reaction, Kaidan's mouth kept working. "Doesn't seem right somehow... and losing Jenkins. It was hard... ...on the crew."

"How's my console holding up?" Shepard peered her head around at the lit terminal, looking for the bug.

If sheepishness had a picture in the dictionary, Kaidan would be it. "A little worse for the wear, I'm afraid."

"I was afraid of that." Brandishing a data disc, Shepard leaned over the side of the fritzing machine to slide the disc in. Kaidan allowed her to slide past him through inaction, frozen by the proximity of his commander's warm body.

When she spoke again, her voice came over slightly far-away and a little broken as she worked around him to pop in the proper commands. "Now that you've got her in one piece, that should restore the self-diagnostic. We should have the problem in just a few... hrm."

Returning to her former stance, she frowned as the screen simply crashed then continued to frown at it as though she could menace it into rebooting. Exasperation threaded into her matter-of-fact voice. "We'll need to pick up a new STA drive - just to test. Hopefully, they have such things at the Citadel. I doubt requisitions would be interested in something that isn't set to kill."

"You could always try kicking it." Williams sauntered up, throwing Kaidan into a brief fight against laughter as he imagined the commander doing just that.

Kaidan chuckled, "Yeah, I always heard a hard stick and some heavy bondage tape could fix the world."

Both women quirked a brow at him though it was Williams that said it. "Kinky."

"Aw, you know what I meant."

"You don't take much shore leave do you, L.T.?"


	3. Tall Tales, Asari Affairs

Kaidan couldn't seem to carry a full conversation and keep his mouth clear of his feet around Shepard. As a result, he decided to no longer try. He simply did not speak to her unless required and with the buzz about the ship, it wasn't hard. From his preferred station by the mess hall, he could see the woman's countless trips between crew stations. It seemed like hundreds during his shift alone. She appeared to be doing everything exactly as she should with little room for error, but it would have taken more than a super-heroine to keep the crew working diligently once word of their destination leaked out. He'd never seen the Citadel himself, but found it more amusing to watch everyone else's anticipatory reactions than to create one of his own. As much as he only knew a half-truth himself, those around him knew less, leading to truly fascinating tales.

"True story. There's an asari enchantress who works under the Council. She and the captain have an... arrangement. Apparently, he's been out in space too long and needs to pay her a visit. That's the only reason we're going out there - I swear. It's all because of a damn asari witch." A waggle of a food-laden utensil confirmed the verity of Corporal Johnson's tale - to him anyway.

"I heard it was Ambassador Udina who called us in. He's the one entwined with the asari or so he thought. He found out she was playing the lines with him and some turian general so now there's an inter-galactic issue." Private Lefou, a smaller man that Johnson, wriggled his way into the conversation with a conspiracy theory of his own.

"Listen to you men. Do you really think we'd be dragged all the way out to the Citadel for some alleged woman? This isn't the Star Tales, we don't ride into port just so the captain can ride out with some damsel - green, blue, or otherwise." Corporal Pryde, approaching with a tray in her large hands, added the first female voice to the shuffle.

"And no one's even mentioned what we were doing on Eden Prime. Anyone else notice the complete lack of shakedown? We arrive, we sit pretty, we leave. No maneuvers, nothing." Another utensil brandishment brought the petite communications tech, LeBeau, into the conversation.

Not to be outdone, Johnson abandoned his meal in favor of waving hands and a more dramatic tale. "I heard they found something down there that got into the commander's head. Maybe we're going to get her checked out or dump her off before her rib cage turns into a gaping maw that bites off the hands of the nearest surgeon."

"Nice one, Johnson. Just because she was on Akuze doesn't mean she's going to turn into one of those things." Private Stanson added her two cents as she entered the room.

"I didn't mean that kind of maw. Just like the old vids, y'know... or the little alie-er-guy in the belly." Losing his grip his audience, the berated corporal struggled to hang on.

"Speaking of little aliens, when's yours going to pop out of Tabitha's belly?" A round of laughter followed Pryde's winning remark over the newly-bashful Johnson.

Kaidan became less inclined to listen as the talk turned from speculation to the cooing of a proud to-be father. He'd never had the experience himself, but from what he'd seen, there was nothing quite like a small arrival to melt a man. Pointedly, he moved from leaning on the console to punching numbers in to trace their course. He didn't need any melting rubbing off on him today.

"Have we conquered and/or saved the galaxy yet?" came an amused voice from just over his right shoulder.

For a well-armored soldier, Shepard was very light on her feet - that or Kaidan's descent into madness had simply begun with his sense of hearing.

"Ma'am?" was all the lieutenant could manage to mask his surprise.

"It seems the stories grow larger every day... and a little more bizarre." The commander's eyes traced beyond him to study the crew almost lovingly. It was as though they were a strange garden she had cultivated...

Something clicked within Kaidan's mind. A vast army of mostly unknowns stood at the door and yet, morale had never been higher somehow resulting in the ship running almost too well. Cunning, devious. A stream of compliments died in the silence between them before he settled on the most relevant old-vid-alien tale he could conceive. "I think you forgot to tell Joker about the one with the trail of chocolate candies."

"Hm, I wouldn't mind some of those myself." Shepard's smile colored her face with the memory of pleasure.

A disturbing mental image of a trail of candy-coated peanut-butter chocolates leading to the his commander's door began forming in Kaidan's mind. Iron bars slammed shut on the thought before it ran through the door that didn't exist as he struggled for a relevant question to cover for his thoughts. "Ma'am, why are we going to the Citadel? The artifact is ruined and the rest could be easily explained over secure comms."

Shepard blinked. It appeared she transitioned herself from personal to professional in an instant, but just a hint of that same friendly amusement hung at the corners of her lips. "Questioning command, Alenko?"

"Just ...not looking forward to any face time with the Ambassador... Ma'am." Kaidan looked down while making the admission. It was true enough, but hardly the heart of the matter.

Shepard laughed. He had never seen something that so palpably put him at ease before. Why did she have to keep destroying his commander image? "Well Kaidan, work on that stiff upper lip. We'll be landing soon. I expect you and Williams to be ready for departure."

The use of his first name lingered in the air. Silently, he asked Shepard's retreating back what her given name was.

* * *

Hurry up and wait. That was the true meaning of the word bureaucracy, a system apparently not invented by humans and deeply built into every system of power he'd ever encountered. They would be granted an audience with the Council... when the Council was ready. The meeting with Udina had gone only slightly better than expected, but that was primarily due to Captain Anderson's politely intractable way of speaking and firm fist of a stare. In that meeting alone, the captain had gained several ranks of respect in Kaidan's book. For her part, Shepard kept her indignant responses boiling under the surface, just far enough away that only those really looking would find them.

They were now alone in Udina's office. Well, alone with Chief Williams who seemed to have taken a great interest in the ambassador's personal email, left on all too low of a security lock - meaning.. wide open on his display. "Woah, he really is having an affair with an alien - some asari named Sha'ira."

She had his attention there. He turned toward the desk she was leaning over, his features covered in unmasked surprise.

"Ha, gotcha. He really does have a meeting with her though." Williams smirked, gesturing to the open log.

A slight rustle led his gaze to Shepard. The amused tweak of her smile was there, but her shoulders shifted uncomfortably. "We're professionals here, remember?"

"Aye aye, Ma'am. Permission to speak freely?" The word "again" was nearly written in bold, black ink on the chief's face.

Somehow, the age old phrase didn't suit her. There was something... He counted down in his head while Williams awaited Shepard's answer - briefly. _Three... Two..._

"What is That smell?" The sight of Ash's wrinkled nose, emphasizing her question, choked Kaidan as he struggled with laughter. _One._

"Elcor. They and the Volus share the embassy next door." The commander's voice was straight and dry, tactfully ignoring the fidgets of her officer.

Ash didn't quite take the hint. "Oh. I would wonder how the ambassador stands it, but then he must be used to being nose-deep in alien s..."

"Williams!" All commander, Shepard snapped the chief to attention.

"Sorry, ma'am. Observing the peace now." Williams raised a few fingers in the air to 'solemnly swear' her new vow of peace.

Shepard checked the display on her omni-tool briefly. The orange glow brought new light to the texture of her face, the scars... "We probably have at least an hour before we're summoned. Let's go find that drive."

They left in a triangular order behind Shepard with Kaidan receiving a discrete elbow to the ribs as he followed. How was he to tell Williams he was admiring Shepard's omni-tool?


	4. Adversaries, Admirers

It turned out that the ground team didn't have the predicted hour before the Council summoned them. In the time they did have, the trio had managed to locate a shop that just might sell such parts and were within the line of sight of the floating, luminescent owner when Shepard fell back, cupped a hand to her ear and motioned a stop.

By the time they had reached the Council chambers, Kaidan had come to the conclusion that the elevator had been specifically rigged to lessen the resistance of those going before the council by floating them in muzak mush for an overly long period of time. It would also make a superb torture device. Anderson and Udina ushered Shepard before the three saint-like Council members, leaving Alenko and Williams behind. Initially, there were no words exchanged between the two soldiers. Both were "stealthily" straining to comprehend as much as possible of the imperial echoes emanating from the chamber ahead.

Their efforts were hampered by Admiral Kahoku's insistent voice, arguing with a terminal nearby. It seemed more men had fallen out of contact and their retrieval was being stalled by long spirals of red tape. Kaidan felt the familiar rise of outrageous hope - that the _Normandy_ crew could save them all. It wasn't an expectation - he knew better than that. Instead it was a premeditated resentment aimed at whatever powers might be. Self-consciously, he flashed a glance at the chief. It seemed to her the form of the powers that might be were quite clear. He was almost envious - almost.

A sullen Shepard eventually came back down the passage, lingering by a graceful fountain as Udina and Anderson slipped past, arguing in silence. When the commander returned to her crew, she opened her mouth to speak, then simply began walking in the direction of the ship's docking bay. A glance was exchanged, but no questions were asked as the Alenko and Williams fell in line. It was not until the _Normandy_ was in touching distance that she spoke. "We've been officially removed from the case concerning Saren. Our word and that of witnesses was not enough to sway the council to even grant the Alliance the... privilege of an investigation... so we are going to investigate unofficially."

The roll of de-con began it's first pass. Kaidan became so riveted on the tension in Shepard's words and the possibility of disaster her plan seemed to hold that, for the first time, he was not plagued by the feel of it.

Shepard continued, "When we get on board, suit up in your civvies. Williams, tell Joker we will be extending our stay then take Johnson to that asari woman, Sha'ira. Use what you learned earlier to get him an appointment then follow any leads on Saren. If half this station goes to her with their problems then she should be invaluable on the who-knows-what."

"She's not going to... I won't have to... The appointment is for Johnson, right?" The chief stumbled indignantly on her words. Though it wasn't inflicted by him personally, Kaidan was considering the burning look on Williams' face a sort of payback for the earlier shock she had delivered to him, regarding the false asari affair.

"If she touches you, you have my full permission to think of England... or any flyboy you deem worthy." The quirk of Shepard's lips betrayed her amusement. The commander held up a hand as the color of the chief's face began matching her armor. "Relax. I'm sure Johnson will be more than willing to take whatever share of touching may come."

There was a subtle undercurrent hinting at what Shepard was not telling Williams, but Kaidan was content to let the sly fox show its head in its own time. He had enough trouble with head pain to encourage any more.

"Alenko, you and I have an appointment with a Volus by the name of Barla Von. By the time we've finished there, Harkin should be at his expected.. post and we'll pay him a visit. We'll meet at C-Sec at 0100." Orders delivered, the commander departed to gear up.

Thoughts were churning in rapid succession as Kaidan moved to the easy part of his task. To the best of his knowledge, Shepard had never been to the Citadel before. She wouldn't have had time to discuss these details with Anderson or Udina... certainly not while the Council members were present. Where had this intel come from? Somewhere between the break up of the meeting and now, there must have been a source.

Shepard beat him to the airlock by a good few minutes. It would have helped his time if his feet hadn't forgotten how to function at the appearance of the girl he'd seen earlier on the beach, the illusory fantasy of gentle quiet.

* * *

There wasn't much to speak of regarding Barla Von. The man - if he could call him that - was as shady as could be without dipping a toe in the moral black. Kaidan felt he was losing personal information merely by standing in the same room. It was an odd feeling for one so routinely suspected of the ability to mind-read. Shepard appeared to be suffering no such hesitations. She simply took the volus for all he was worth intel-wise with a sharp tongue and a cool head.

Then there was Harkin. During their walk to Chora's Den from the Presidium, Shepard filled her lieutenant in on the man's known tendencies and what his "post" was at the bar. Kaidan was not looking forward to this meeting anymore than he imagined Williams was getting along with hers. He had, however, begun to unravel his commander's assignment choice motives. His presence seemed to be meant as a reliable shield against advances, should they occur. Though he'd taken pains not to let this suspicion rest as fact in his head, he was not entirely successful. The buzz he felt had him floating high until he realized Johnson, the alternate choice, was likely just as bad as this Harkin was rumored to be.

An excited voice interrupted Kaidan's thoughts, echoing from the bend of the stairway ahead. "You're Commander Shepard, the hero of Eden Prime! I am so honored to meet you. I'm Conrad Verner."

The lieutenant halted just before the platform at the hinge of the stairwell behind Shepard, who had gotten a lead on him. Beyond his commander, Kaidan could see a strange, little blond man gushing. Alenko forced himself to amend his mental description. The man wasn't little, but it helped the lieutenant's confidence to add the appellation. Perhaps it was the tension of "undercover" work or the reminder of the mess that was Eden Prime, but Kaidan could not shake the growing anger he felt toward this stranger. Miniature flickers of blue corona danced along his fingertips as he fought for control in the shadows of the staircase. Shepard played the game well, quite civil despite the fervent reveling in the supposed glory of her killings before her. When Verner extended his hand to complete a point, Kaidan jumped. What was wrong with him? Years of work had gone into the control he could not seem to locate at present.

"I know you're probably busy, but do you have time for a quick autograph?" The eager blond man held out a datapad with trembling fingers.

More amiable than perhaps the man deserved, Shepard took the datapad from Verner and scrawled out a quick note. She then moved quickly to disentangle herself from the situation. It seemed that something didn't strike her as all's well with Verner either. This time Kaidan intentionally let her move ahead. When the commander was well on her way up the next set of stairs, Alenko moved from his partial cover and grasped Verner's hand in a overly firm, one-pump shake. He could feel the wisps of dark energy hovering dangerously near the limits of his control, forcing him to make his "introduction" brief. In one quick motion, he pulled the irritant of a man against his body with a thud.

"If I see that signature anywhere it shouldn't be..." Kaidan growled, staring down into the wide eyes of the small man.

Or at least, that's how it went in Kaidan's mind. In truth, the most he did was crackle as he passed Verner. Even so, the message seemed written clearly across the blond man's face as plain as if either man were capable of broadcasting or receiving thoughts. Kaidan hadn't spoken or acted upon his threat, but it was delivered all the same. Brushing off the incident, it didn't take him long to sidle up to Shepard again as though he'd never lagged behind. The glow of the lights she was standing under now though almost caused a repeat of the earlier foot immobility issue.

* * *

Chora's Den. He'd heard... wait... they were going into That kind of bar? Kaidan steeled himself. It had been a very long time for him and his will seemed weaker than it should be. What would Shepard perceive as inappropriate bearing? What would she perceive as his entire lack of drive, killing the flicker of hope he held for some later point? It was a catch-22 he willingly walked into, hoping professionalism would save his ass in a fairly literal way. Instead, the darkly pulsating lights came painfully to his aid.

From the moment they walked in, the commander stared at him - obliquely, but still staring - watching for his reaction. Whether it was out of some morbid female curiosity or simple confirmation, Kaidan would never know. He could see the dancing Asari out of his peripheral vision, the problem was he couldn't look up.

"You alright, Kaidan?" Her voice was hushed, personal. Perhaps she hadn't wanted to betray crew weakness to whatever hostiles they might encounter in the den or perhaps she was truly concerned about him beyond his soldier capacity. Her use of his name fit the civilian setting, but was also uncommon. Unfortunately at the time, Kaidan could appreciate neither slice of intimacy.

As his head throbbed in tune with the tune-reactive lighting of the bar, Kaidan worked to make his voice steady. "Too many. Bright lights."

Shepard nodded, seeming to make a decision on the length of their stay. It almost amused him that their time here would be decided on his discomfort here and not hers. The pair moved on, keeping a good distance from the patrons who so obviously did not wish to be disturbed. As Kaidan adjusted slightly to the pain, he began to see the wonder that was the dancing Asari. There was an incredible grace in their movements that was more beautiful to Kaidan than anything they were wearing - or not wearing. These women knew the power they held.

If there was any pleasure to be had in the lieutenant's momentary observance, it was killed swiftly by Harkin's rough voice. "Hey there, sweetheart! You looking for some fun? Cuz I gotta say that getup looks real good on that bod of yours."

The suspended officer was clearly inebriated, but no part of Kaidan felt any pity for the lonely man. Instead, a little voice within him begged, 'can I kill him, please?'. The voice had Vyrnnus' tone. Kaidan shuddered, grateful that in a bar like this... no one was watching the men.

"Why don't you sit your sweet little ass down beside old Harkin? Have a drink, we'll see where this goes." Harkin's voice was dripping with the shattered pieces of thousands of pick-up lines used and refused.

"Maybe later," came Shepard's reply. Her voice wasn't angry.

Maybe later? Kaidan hoped she was being diplomatic. The little voice from earlier became larger, as though the throbbing in his head had begun speaking on its own. _Idiot, she can do as she wants. Stop worrying about what's not your.. s._ He thought perhaps it had meant to say 'your business', but the word 'yours' seemed to stick.

The beautiful thing was that Harkin seemed to get the hint with no help from Kaidan at all. Once, the older man realized Shepard was never going to come any closer, he seemed to settle instead for any conversation he could weasel out of the woman before him. By not listening to Kaidan's inner voices, the commander was able to gather some good intel for their case and a bundle of information regarding Anderson and Saren that Kaidan wasn't willing to process at the moment.

* * *

The _Normandy_ pair didn't return to the meet-point right away after they parted from Harkin's company. It was early yet, but most of their other leads had turned in for the night. Was it night? Kaidan's sense of artificial night hadn't adjusted yet to this particular setting. Quietly, they moved on to the Embassy Lounge. It was a bit of a hike, but neither of them favored the idea of pushing into a writhing mass of other bodies enough to attempt riding the rapid transit shuttles. The only thing going right so far, and since Eden Prime entirely, was that there were only a blessed few souls wandering the hall right then - whatever time it was.

Kaidan assumed there was another contact in the lounge, but when Shepard moved to an outward balcony behind a glass wall, he began to rearrange his perceptions to match. She ordered up two bottles of an asari beverage whose named he'd never fully learned, for fear of mispronouncing it. The commander seemed intent on settling in for a bit and, though he may have wanted to, it was far from the lieutenant's position to argue. Instead, he simply accepted his bottle when they came and stared at it.

"To Jenkins," Shepard said suddenly, raising her bottle.

"Jenkins." Kaidan agreed, mournfully raising his own.

The simple clink of the glass-like material, and cool swallow following it, did more to relax his nerves than several massages on a day that just went well.

"It won't help much in the morning, but for now I hope it will dull the pain. I wouldn't know for sure. I've never had a migraine." Leaning on a forearm that rested across the table, Shepard looked up into her lieutenant's eyes.

"It's not.. not that bad yet." Kaidan managed, unable to meet her gaze fully.

"One hell of a day." Like a falcon riding a thermal, the commander seemed to ease into a simpler state of mind, if only for a moment.

"Without doubt." For the first time in his recent memory, the lieutenant relaxed.

They didn't speak much for a time. Kaidan's thoughts briefly dwelled on whether they were currently on or off duty. The lines had gotten more than a bit smudged with this unofficial business. Eventually, he figured he'd cut the difference and milk the single drink he'd been offered, though Shepard had several. It seemed with each passing swig her eyes became just a bit sadder as though they were absorbing the color and texture from the drink directly. Kaidan couldn't help remarking to himself how beautiful they were though his mental reprimand was immediate. The thought was wrong on several levels, not in the least the feeling that there should be no pleasure to come from another's sorrow.

He began to wonder what she was thinking. Was she wandering the mental trail about her position, the investigation, the crew, the galaxy, herself... There was so much. As Kaidan relaxed into his chair, he did not register how intently he was peering into those eyes across from him. As though he was broadcasting his questions, Shepard began to answer. "That Sa-turian is a slimy bastard. I've known his kind. You could see him strike down your own bro-ther, plain as the nose on your face, but when you confronted him ... whatever his reasoning was, he would be right. All the while, you look into his eyes, and everything he says makes perfect sense. You nod. You agree and the moment he turns his back or you turn yours - if you can manage it, you remember how wrong he was."

Kaidan didn't know which thing to address first - the fact that they shouldn't be discussing this in open space, the hitch in her voice when she spoke of a brother, or root of all this angst... and whether it had to do with the beach he'd seen her on so long ago and the man he'd seen her with... Eventually, he decided none of these things were conversations to be had at present. He yearned to know, but could see the breakdown coming in Shepard's eyes. He was fairly certain his commander would never respect him if he let it happen in public, worse so if he took advantage of it.

"Williams is waiting for us in C-Sec, Ma'am." His voice was colder than he meant it, but it was all he could think of. He ached to take her hand and comfort her so much he could nearly feel her fingers. His own twitched toward that action. For a moment, it became his sole focus. He simply stared with intensity, not hoping for the incredible recovery fortitude of his superwoman, but lost in his own thoughts. He wanted to touch her... he would... Kaidan had set his mind to it, but all he accomplished was the hastening of a snap back on to duty.

Shepard stood, nodded, and motioned for him to lead. They paid their tab and were out as quietly as they'd entered. It was an incident averted if only he could remember how to get to the offices of Citadel Security.


	5. Belle Virus, Killer Bunny

As Kaidan walked with Shepard down the hall to C-Sec, he couldn't help but study her. His commander had recently polished off more than a couple dark ales, but If Kaidan hadn't spent the last hour or so watching her do so, he'd never have known... except perhaps for the more relaxed edge around the corners of her lips and the hint of a smile that showed in her eyes. She didn't even bear the flush that he normally seemed to acquire even after light drinking. The lieutenant shook his head, distrusting his new image of Shepard as a cheerful friend. She had no reason to smile - not now.

When he cleared her face from his mind, a grand view of the Citadel arms majestically appeared through a large viewing window. Kaidan had been so careful to avoid the flowing crowd that the glittering jewel of a sight had escaped his notice until... there it was. Large and small craft alike, each alight with their own spectral pattern of sensors and way-point markers flowed effortlessly between the enormous arms, each glowing with their own pulse of life. It took his breath away more thoroughly than any sunset he'd ever witnessed - all those technological artworks blinking and flowing in harmony. Without his mind much controlling his body, he made his way to the rail before the viewport.

Kaidan's wonder escaped into his voice as he rested his hands on the rail. "Big place."

Shepard was right there with him, eyes wide and mouth not quite closed. "No wonder they're wary of strangers. It must take a phenomenal feat of coordination just to..."

"...keep track of it all. Everyone coming and going." Kaidan finished the sentiment as Shepard lost her words.

They stood in unison, gawking like an IT guru receiving a new patch for his firmware. Eventually, it was Kaidan's runaway mouth that broke the spell, tearing insistently at his reluctant, fanciful mind. "We must be like a virus to them, a rapidly expanding, volatile virus."

"Even viruses have their redeeming points. They can be the vector for a great deal of healing whereas us - we have beautiful women, this emotion called love - according to the old vids, we have everything they want." The commander was smiling now, a wistful, faraway gaze painted on her face.

Guards down, Kaidan let the words in his mind flow... until his brain caught up with them. "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you... I mean us... humans, Ma'am."

"Well, like _us_ or not, they could hardly purge us from their system now anyway." With her arms were folded over the rail, Shepard vaguely resembled a tourist on vacation until the hard edge came into her voice. She was more caught up in the Citadel than her lieutenant's verbal blunder.

Kaidan breathed an inward sigh of relief though a tiny twinge in his chest regretted her lack of notice. He was falling apart, just slowly, around the edges, one blissfully conflicted piece at a time. He had to say something, something relevant, something not related to his inner turmoil. "I don't know. You don't exactly see many Rachni around."

"Oh, they could clear us from the galaxy, but we've infected them. For all their prudence, their careful data-gathering, they're beginning to learn that sometimes... just sometimes... you not only need to show your teeth, but have the means and intention to bite down hard." The arm on Shepard's far side came up by her jaw. Kaidan's eyes were following her hand too closely at first to realize she was reacting to her comm rather than illustrating the point.

Five curt words from the commander ended Kaidan's pleasant agony. "Shepard here." "Be right there."

The wistful softness previously in Shepard's eyes had fully drained out by the time she turned her attention back to her lieutenant. "I'm to meet the captain in the Council chambers ASAP. Continue to C-Sec and collect Williams. Hopefully, she has something I can report."

"Aye aye, Ma'am." Lingering at the rail, Kaidan simply watched her leave.

She was gone again - the archetypal gunslinger of old - heading off into the sunset to give her people the fighting edge, though all she hoped for was little more than a stall. Unfortunately, it was something worse than any bandit that she faced in the politics of the chamber. You always knew where you stood with a bandit.

* * *

Kaidan had just past the Med Clinic when a muffled squeak of surprise drew his attention. As likely as it was to be nothing at all, his mind was spinning with more excuses than tactics when he pushed into the Clinic.

"I didn't tell anyone, I swear!" The voice was female, French, and frantic.

Beyond the back of an unknown man, Kaidan could see a the trembling face of a woman in a doctor's coat. He didn't reach for his sidearm, but instead reached for the dark energy traveling within him. He was a fair enough shot, but preferred not to roll the dice of chance when the adversary could much more easily be made cooperative.

The doctor's assailant, a man of who looked as though he'd built his muscles crawling around the station's vents, pulled back in false confidance. "That was smart, Doc. Now, if Garrus comes around, you stay smart. Keep you're mouth shut or we'll..."

Suspended in stasis, the man made no further threat. Heavy air rushed over Kaidan's shoulder, followed promptly by the percussion sound of a rifle blast. The man in question crumpled to the ground as whatever he'd thought last began leaking out of a circular void in his skull. The freshly-rescued damsel looked as though she were about to fall on top of him, face as white as her coat.

Kaidan caught her arm as the unknown shooter strolled into view. "Perfect timing, Alenko. Gave me a clear shot at that bastard."

It was more than a clear shot. the lieutenant's sense of combat honor bristled at the unfair advantage he'd helped create that had lead to the death of a man who, while likely deserving of death, hadn't been given a chance. He found it best to avoid speaking to the turian sniper at just that moment. "Doctor, are you alright?"

The woman, who appeared to be completing a palpatory exam on herself, sighed in relief. "Yes, thanks to you. Both of you."

Kaidan found himself studying the limp bulk of a man. _Were there more of him? _"Who was that?"

"Fist, actually." The doctor crossed her arms, appearing ready to spit in the direction of the lieutenant's gaze.

The name didn't mean anything to Kaidan, but the vigilante turian seemed to know it all too well. "I'm surprised he came out for you in person, Dr. Michel."

"He is too much the coward. With his guards killed in the wards, and a krogan on his tail, he'd lost too much control to be effective. He needed to feel power to feel safe. Not a smart man."

It was quite the psychological profile. Kaidan began wondering what sort of life this Michel had been in prior to becoming the Citadel's resident medi-gel dispenser.

The turian tapped a finger to his mouth. "So it was Wrex in the Wards shootout after all..."

Michel shook her head. "Non, it was was a quarian from what I hear, Garrus."

"A quarian!" Kaidan and Garrus spoke at once before splitting in their own expressions of astonishment.

"In the Citadel..?"  
"They haven't..."

A beep at his omni-tool reminded the lieutenant that Williams was waiting, likely impatiently... or more impatiently than usual with Johnson as company. "Doctor... Michel? I'm afraid I need to be going."

The moment the woman nodded, acknowledging a farewell, Kaidan turned toward the door. Behind him, footsteps accompanied a faintly metallic voice. "I'm coming with you."

It was pointless to argue. As they traveled down the hall, the lieutenant finally decided to state the question that had been plaguing him since the Turian's entry. "How do you know my name?"

* * *

If Williams had been pleased to see Kaidan, her enthusiasm for it was lost at the sight of the turian towering behind his shoulder, observing patiently. "Um, hey, L.T.? If you were going to re-fabricate Shepard, couldn't you have at least made her something menacing like a hellcat or a bunny?"

Hellcat the lieutenant could understand, but... "A bunny?"

The gunnery chief grinned. "Long story."

"Have you reported in? The commander's in with them now." Kaidan tactfully left unsaid how much help Shepard would need. Though through the conversation he'd had earlier with Garrus, he'd begun to learn how much of it she obtained from the oddest sources.

Ash lifted her chin. Her voice came crisp as a salute. "Yes, sir. One asari sit-rep has been delivered."

"Where's Johnson?"

"Still with the-"

"I don't want to know, do I?"

Her grin returned. "Nope."


	6. Tracers, Terrors

Kaidan was angry. He didn't have a target to aim his rightful wrath at just yet, but he was working on that. The Council had kept Shepard with them for hours upon hours of the Citadel's eternal twilight. In that time, he had undergone a rough interface with the krogan known as Wrex and managed to track down an elusive quarian who would seemed to have preferred he didn't.

Even under the less than subtle intolerance of William's gaze, he was serving as a fully functional human being - a human being who was forcibly hiding away the fact that strains light and sound above a dim roar was becoming steadily more excruciating. Each rumble of the krogan's larynx, twang of the turian, and synthesized trill of the quarian... was just a new way for seemingly harmless sound waves to dig daggers into his skull. It made even the chief's ascerbic voice an auditory pleasure by comparison. Standing below the Council dais now in their tower, he was certain a full-size dreadnought was emerging through the fountain to his left, aiming cannons into his temporal lobes.

A man was speaking to Williams, something about a lost brother. Everyone on this station had more problems than even a teenager had enough angst for. He just needed to... sit down. If he could control his anger, some of the pain might dissipate. He knew better, but at this point control and possibly sleep were all he had to ameliorate his situation. Sleep was out of the question.

What could they be speaking with her about for this long? Why were the quarian and the turian permitted entrance into the sacred walled garden? Why was the krogan looking at him like he was about to become sociable? "You've got impressive biotic power, Alenko. Humans should never have switched to the weaker L3 implants."

Kaidan was beginning to think, in what room he had left to think, his service record was written on his forehead in fluorescent ink. Not only his name was common knowledge, but so too were the inner workings of the wiring at the base of his skull. He was not about to discuss his headaches with the krogan - not now. "The L3's are safe."

The krogan - Wrex - grunted. "You don't stop using a gun just because the kickback has a little sting."

_A little sting? A little?_ Kaidan was hard pressed to form coherent thought at the moment and he was one of the lucky ones. Relief came in the pink and white armored form of Chief Williams. "You're... not like most other krogan... are you, Wrex?"

Even to Kaidan's ears her civility sounded strained, but there was a hint of surprise melting in, perhaps some soldier bonding residue from the hell they'd unleashed together at what once was Chora's Den.

Wrex tilted his head, studying the chief with one large, red eye before yielding to a rumbling chuckle. "I'll take that as a compliment. You handle yourself well, Williams. It's surprising. Krogan women have to stay home - try to reproduce."

Ash's mouth was a thin line as she eyed her sidearm. "Sorry to disappoint. I'm not the stay at home kind."

"Didn't say I was disappointed. Gives the fight a different flavor." Then the beast grinned.

For the second... or possibly third time in the endless day, Kaidan saw Williams shift turn an uncomfortable shade of pink. It was possible she was flattered or angered, but he figured it was most likely she was frustrated the krogan was on better behavior than most human men.

The sharp clip of Shepard's footsteps echoed down the vibrant hall. Tracers decorated her face as Kaidan turned to look. They helped shimmer the light around her like the ending of a holo-game where the hero stood in glorious victory. He suddenly felt as though he drunk her share of the asari ale. The commander wasn't even flushed. "Williams, please escort our three new guests to the ship. If the captain has not returned yet, Joker should know their... accommodations."

She turned her profile to him as she watched the quartet recede. A moment later, her face was before his, tilted up from the low crouch she'd assumed in front of the bench he couldn't remember sitting on. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

The act of blinking became a slow, elaborate thing for Kaidan. It was hard for him to process, but one area became clear. If she was serious, could he miss that chance, but then... if she wasn't... if it was just an expression... could he risk missing any chance in the future for one stolen moment? "Shepard, I..."

"Relax, Alenko. You look like hell."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

The commander's gaze wandered down the hall toward the elevator. The moment was past. He'd chosen his path by simply not choosing. It wasn't the path he'd been learning toward. In his mind, he leaned forward, turning her face with the cupped fingers of his right hand and kissed her, finally responding to every voice in his head that screamed kiss her - Kiss her! His lips felt cold.

Kaidan realized he was holding Shepard's jaw-line and his entire body froze. He had ki-

Shepard smiled, an expression of impentetrable depth and meaning. "I appreciate the sentiment, Lieutenant, but we're on duty here."

The cold spread to the furthest reaches of his toes, taking a hard hold within his lower stomach. He retracted to the most professional position he could manage, straight up and far away from her. "Uh... aye aye, ma'am."

There wasn't a word exchanged between the two as they left the Council area. The intent was to return to the ship to rest, but then again... Shepard's hand went up to her comm. Kaidan caught the words batarian, slavers, and Mindoir and any warmth he had gained vanished.

Shepard began speaking. "I'm not trained for that, but I'll do what I can."

Kaidan's hand pressed against his temple on its own accord. The pain wasn't there, but it helped to pretend he could soothe it somehow. What didn't help was the present situation and the tension it promised. What was it his commander wasn't trained for?

* * *

Alenko watched as Shepard consulted with Lieutenant Girard in the docking bay. Just over a few crates of cargo, he could see the shorn fuzz that stood as hair atop a very frightened girl's head. Girard seemed genuinely worried. Kaidan couldn't help but feel for the man and the woman he had yet to know.

Girard gestured outward with caution. "I've got a sniper positioned, but I don't think we'll need him. She's only a danger to herself."

The commander echoed Kaidan's earlier feeling almost precisely. "You seem awfully worried about her."

"Just... doing my job. We have a sedative to knock her out, but every step ... just don't push her too hard, Commander. If she seems ready to pull the trigger just walk away. I'm willing to wait her out."

Shepard didn't seem to hear the final good luck offered by Girard and his men as she nodded, already planning her approach. Kaidan willed himself into a shadow behind the crates as he watched his commander advance. There was no telling what this woman had been through and at whose hands. If she was willing to take her own life then it was possible the sight of anyone remotely threatening ... well... he chose not to think about that further.

"Stop-Stop!" The distressed girl closed her eyes tightly as she thrust out a pistol with a jerky arm.

The gun wavered in the commander's face as she found her mark a few paces away. She simply remained quiet, allowing the distressed woman to continue.

Frantic eyes opened, bringing the weapon with them in each direction they shot to. "Who are you - what are you? Not like Talitha. Not like her! Leave her alone."

Shepard's voice was a verbal blanket, attempting to wrap comfort around the girl without intruding. "I was on Mindoir... my parents died in the raid."

"Liar!" The gun was no longer unsteady." You get hit for lying! You get the buzz or the burning - can't be there. Why are you alive? Why aren't you like her! Broken... only good for digging." The girl's gaze took refuge toward the ground.

"For a while, I was broken. I lost my whole family, Talitha, my whole childhood. I had to pull myself up and keep going."

Kaidan had never heard her voice so soft, never fully considered the implications of a Mindoirian childhood though he'd heard about it. He ached to hold the woman he'd so recently offended. He might consider himself a wretched man for it later, but he couldn't lie to himself and wish Talitha any better fate if her servitude was what had set Shepard free...

There was hope in Talitha's eyes, a very tentative and watery hope. "You lose your Mommy and Daddy, but you don't dig - you don't carry. You stand up. She wishes she could stand up."

"I'm going to take a step toward you now, okay..." Shepard took up Talitha in her arms with swift grace, cradling her like a child as she eased the sedative into the other woman's arm.

Still voicing the shattered memories of a thousand tortures, Talitha began edge toward sleep. "They put the metal to their backs... they put the wires to their brains. She pretends to be dead. If she's dead she can't work, but they know! She doesn't want to be there anymore... in the pen... in the c... When she thinks... water comes out of her eyes..."

Softly, Shepard brought the broken girl of a woman to Girard, assuring the care of her new charge in whispered tones.

Still the girl's voice lingers. "She puts all the reds and purples in, but they don't move. She doesn't want to see other animals. They're not real. They can't be real. If they can see her... then all this is real... but it can't be... They see her so it's real... she doesn't want it to be real. She's dirty... "

Shepard smoothed the place on her forehead where errant hair would be. "Dream now of a warm place and when you wake up - you'll be there."

In that moment, Kaidan could see Talitha as a six year old girl, playing in faraway fields, playfully annoying a teenage Shepard. Then he could see another girl, about six, with angel eyes and the quiet will of a tiger...

He followed a withdrawn Shepard onto the Normandy. She paused, just at the doorway, holding up de-con as she looked back. "My first day as spectre..."


	7. Dancing, Dying

"So she leaned in real close. I never even saw those head fins move, but oh man..." Johnson grinned as he wriggled his fingers in gross illustration.

"You dog." the pilot grinned, biding his time until... "You never even saw her did you?"

Kaidan chuckled to himself. Leave it to Joker to reduce a stalwart braggart of soldier like that into a stuttering pile of gestures all with a question under the guise of a compliment.

It had been three days since what he was terming the fountain incident and the most he'd seen of Shepard was a flying trail of hair as she rushed about gathering intel. With the Shadow Broker's people so relatively open aboard the Citadel, there was much to gain by extending the _Normandy_'s stay. This particular "morning" of the stay found the lieutenant perusing the extranet, winding down with a cup of... well the best he could say was that it was something warm... after a night's shift. Time of day was actually irrelevant, but it felt like a morning to him.

One thing still plagued him though. They _had_ gotten some leads from the asari... "Hey, Johnson, If you didn't see Sha'ira..."

The man was already rushing past him, more unwilling to disclose the truth than he had been to unravel a fallaciously lascivious affair. Instead, Moreau craned his neck back to offer the word, "Williams."

Shifting his gaze for the sight of the charming chief and finding none, Kaidan looked to Joker for the explanation he was sure to have armed and ready.

"Yep." A smug smile grew steadily as the pilot spun his chair about. "The eyes and ears of my ship tell me that while our young stud there was arguing with the hostess, Williams did the job."

That statement was loaded with too many horrifying images that couldn't be ignored. "No... You can't mean..."

"Oh, but I can." Joker wiggled a brow before dropping his expression into more somber tones. "I only wish it were true though. She stood face to face with what I would give a leg bone - or two - for and just talked to her."

Kaidan couldn't help it. The thought of Chief Ashley Williams standing tall and proud while an alien of ill repute slid up close, talking to her as her face turned mild shades of purple around the edges, tickled him hard. His drink nearly became a casualty of the overwhelming fit of laughter as it toppled to a rest on the console before him.

The woman who had just entered the bridge was less amused. "Oh, laugh it up L.T. It's all you're getting at my expense."

Kaidan's shaky gaze caught first the boots then the cool set of eyes owned by Chief Williams as he fought to recover himself.

Likely with all hopes of moving things along, Williams came right to business. "Joker, the quarian, I mean, Tali'Zorah will be up in a few to discuss some concepts on the ship. Adams in engineering was hoping you'd be on good behavior."

The lieutenant stifled another laugh as the pilot whined, "But I was looking forward to putting her through her paces."

He was brought to abrupt halt, however, as Williams turned her eye toward him. "Skipper needs you planet-side. Garbled message came through the auxiliary comm system - something about a rogue interface?"

Kaidan was confused, but nodded anyway. What did that mean that Williams was bringing the message - either of them? He moved to suit up for another never-ending shift, assured that it meant would hit him later.

The chief looked about to say something more, something almost sentimental, but Joker would have none of the heavier air. "We're keeping the _Normandy_ docked longer? I don't know how much longer she can keep from dancing."

Their camaraderic banter fell behind him as he moved to the airlock.

"Have any dancing of your own to do, _oh captain_?"

"Liking the sound of that - except for the shattering shinbones..."

* * *

Kaidan stood several meters from his commander, unable to advance a hair-step farther. It hadn't taken him long to realize why he'd been called for this particular computer problem, but his expertise did him little good when he was prevented from accessing the console - by the console.

"Probability of detection: 100%"

Shepard stood just a a meter or so away from a massive array of hardware that had now begun to speak of its own accord. It was really quite articulate for a machine threatening to kill them. "Initiating self-destruct protocol. Detonation sequence initiated. All organics within lethal blast radius - attempt to move and you will die."

Kaidan could have sworn the thing said the word "die" with relish. It was just that much more chilling coming from a tool of the trade. When he'd arrived, his commander was standing as though frozen in the center of the floor. Wonderkin that he was, he'd received her warning too late and become caught in the same virtual-threat web cast by the beautiful piece of AI craftsmanship before them.

Now, if he could only figure out why all the AI he encountered wanted to kill him, he'd be able to advance a little more in his adulative study of them and possibly survive a little longer. The machine didn't appear amenable toward either of those goals. "I lack weaponry appropriate to my intellect, however, I have had system installed that, when activated properly, approximate a self-destruct mechanism."

The lieutenant was at a standstill. Inquiries put forth up to this point had turned up elusive answers on the creator and purpose of the AI - none of which was of any real use to him. You couldn't really reason with or... bribe a computer - could you? "Can't we resolve this peacefully?"

The AI seemed to take offense. "I am not naive, human. All organics must destroy or control synthetic life forms. If I must die, I will ensure I kill organics as well."

Shepard stepped in, buying time for a solution. "You couldn't have gotten explosives aboard the Citadel."

Kaidan hid his hand mnemonic slowly behind his back, hoping the machine's occular array was not too impressive. He couldn't see the power source that must be there behind the machine, but it must be there. Dark energy swirled from him like a third arm, ready to manipulate their way out.

He misjudged.

The strength of the field he triggered was enough to alarm the AI's sensors. "Move again, and I assure you, you will die."

_Not today, buddy._ Kaidan struck out with his newly generated field, aiming for the power connectors behind the machine. It was enough to shut down the main power, but any battery feed could be deadly. A countdown began, ticking away the moments to the sudden death that foretold at excruciating length.

As the numbers continued to drop, instinct drove the lieutenant to dive for the corner outside the hall of computer hell, dragging his commander with him. She landed under him on the floor of the Presidium corridor as they both waited breathlessly.

"Three."

"Two."

Fizzle.

There was no further voice from the machine. Crisis seemed to be averted if not as spectacularly as could be. Just fizzle. Shepard looked up at him from an awkward angle. _Right, up. Up is good._

Once they had finished brushing off the wear and tear of the ordeal from themselves, they met eye to eye for the first time since the fountain event. She spoke first. "What happened with the countdown?"

"Battery backup shorted out." He was strong, assured, he was he savior - sort of. All in all, Kaidan was feeling rather good about himself when they re-boarded the ship. Even Shepard's disappearance into the empty comm room failed to dampen his good mood.

* * *

Later, still stoked on confidence, he sought her out, enjoying his lack of plan. Her voice echoing under the closed door to the room halted him quicker than the first flash a hidden pistol.

"I miss you."

There was so much longing in the personal transmission that Kaidan couldn't tear himself away from the door. He could only make out Shepard's words, but each of them was a dagger in him.

"Next time... Next time around, it'll work out."

Crackle crackle. Laughter.

"Just like the old beach."

Low-toned droning.

"You should see the Citadel. It's absolutely amazing."

When he could bear it no longer, the lieutenant turned violently. Cold sparks snapped at the door frame as he passed by. He swallowed a string of useless, wrathful words and stalked off to requisition himself a very cold shower.

Later, the entire crew could hear an echo of a sound in a man's voice, identified by one as that of ultimate suffering. Kaidan found the record marked down by those on post as a technical glitch.


	8. Boys Night, Girl Talk

The next off-duty shift found Kaidan at a table for one in Flux. Earlier in the day he'd retrieved a lost sister from the land of amateur espionage and uncovered an illegal gambling device. The former act of civilian police work had won him a harsh, metallic scolding from the head of C-Sec. The latter had earned him a few drinks on the house courtesy Doran, the very grateful owner of the club.

In truth, the pulsating rainbow colored lights, throbbing rhythmic beat, and eternal synthesized sound of spinning wheels of the overhead gambling machines were not the best combination for his health or his sanity. For that matter, neither was the drink in his hand. It was just one of those days for him where a bad idea seemed like the only tolerable one. As he turned to signal the barmaid for another drink, the table seemed to become a little darker than usual. Captain Anderson had arrived for a visit. "Jesus, Alenko, you look worse than I feel."

Kaidan's first impulse was merely to grunt in the captain's direction, but duty compelled a more thorough answer... if not a very good one. "Yes, Captain."

Anderson waved his hand dismissively as he took a seat across from Kaidan. "Won't have much need for that talk where I'm going."

"Sir?"

"Shepard is your captain now. Has been for a few days officially, but like all non-combat issues, the change has been made at the speed of paperwork." Anderson tried to hide a scowl under a tense smile as he lowered himself into a seat. "I'd be willing to bet she's informing the crew at this moment. You might be missing a very rousing speech."

Kaidan had been meaning to ask Shepard about the spectre comment, but each time he'd had a moment to speak to her, it just hadn't seemed that important. If he had been sitting with her that moment, he might have congratulated her. But it was Anderson across the way and the senseless injustice of throwing a good captain off his ship for new blood began gnawing at his stomach. It was the kind of decision that had the smell of rancid bureaucracy all over it. Udina. Kaidan felt more than a few snide remarks about the ambassador burn his tongue, but decided to keep them to himself.

Or rather, he thought he had. He wasn't sure which parts had actually come out of his mouth, but across the way, Anderson paused a moment as though studying his former lieutenant in a new light then leaned forward to speak, lowering his voice. "I'll be honest with you, Alenko. There's nothing I'd like better than to punch that sniveling weasel right across his double-talking jaw, but he's not all there is to this."

Kaidan could feel a lengthy story sitting on reserve in the former captain's memory. Instead, Anderson's drink arrived and the two men sat in a companionable silence. There was little need for chatter when each could see the other's ghosts hovering clearly on the periphery. There wasn't anything specific in the feeling, but it was enough. "Where will you go now, sir?"

The senior officer rubbed his jaw. "If I'm going to be riding the paperwork pony anyway, I thought I might give the ambassador some aid at the embassy."

A grin slid across the table, passing infectiously between the men with all implications of righteous deviancy.

Anderson continued, "I've also located some information that might be useful for the Normandy's new mission. Shepard has the details, but I believe you can expect to be planet-side shortly."

It was more than a hint. Kaidan stood then lingered, the habit of waiting for dismissal dying hard. "Good luck, capt-sir."

"You too, Alenko. You too."

He left Anderson at the table for one, sitting within arm's reach of both of their beverages.

* * *

Alenko had just stepped out of de-con when Shepard's voice rang out over the bridge. "Joker, get ready to dance. We're about to rescue a damsel in distress."

"Oh goody, my favorite kind." Joker's customary blend of half-sarcasm, half-enthusiasm didn't quite hide his glee as he began setting their course.

_He's like a kid with a candy bar._ Kaidan shook his head as he stepped off the bridge. He moved quickly as though possibility of him not being seen would eliminate Shepard's knowledge of his presence in the area. He hadn't given much thought to where he might go until his shift began, however, and soon found himself in Engineering, staring at the visor-veiled face of one Tali'zorah nar Rayya with absolutely nothing to say.

His luck held a moment as Tali seemed to have other things on her mind. "Lieutenant Alenko, I hate to ask, but do you have any idea what a... starboard control release injector... might be?"

"A starboard...? Oh." The age-old ruse lent Kaidan a little chuckle as he fumbled for an explanation. "It's... part of an initiation rite... something a little like your pilgrimage."

He rubbed the back of his neck as he glanced sidelong at Adams, the chief engineer. The man's stern countenance rippled with barely-contained amusement.

"I am not sure I understand." The quarian didn't quite furrow her brow at the lieutenant, but the impression was there.

Kaidan had to continued - somehow. "Essentially, some... people consider it amusing to send new crew members off searching for parts that... ah... don't actually exist. Often, the made up parts have alternate meanings to them or sound peculiar when spoken. I've... yet to actually figure out how you pass that rite with dignity."

"I see." Tali glanced back toward Adams. Kaidan couldn't see fully through her visor, but he could swear she was plotting something.

When she spoke again though, her voice was neutral. "Have you experienced this ritual, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan's face burned with the memory. He'd seen this coming, but until this moment, had still had hope. Adams looked on with interest, but after a level gaze from the lieutenant, he suddenly decided that the core could really use a full spectrum analysis just then.

_Well, Alenko, you've already tripped over your tongue seven ways from Sunday. A few more can't hurt now. _"Once, back in brain camp... ah... biotics training. The early trainers found it helped to offer a period of rest between rounds of intense exercises so they mandated rotations of various other aspects of the facility. Most of the work was physical and all of it increased the productivity of the base as a whole."

The purple visor nodded. "Much like the flotilla."

"A bit, yeah, I'd suppose." Kaidan began to continue, but a point of clarification tugged at him. "Are you familiar with the term 'fallopian tube'?" If she was, this story, while becoming easier to tell, was going to get a whole lot worse for him.

"I do not believe so."

_Oh yeah, this is going to be great._ The lieutenant's hand was at the back of his neck again, but found no escape in the escalating heat there. "Well, it's a part of the human female anatomy, a part that usually isn't usually discussed openly..."

He waited for her nod of understanding before he dug himself in deeper. "I didn't know the term at the time so when, during one of my rotations at the med lab, I was asked to retrieve a box of fallopian tubes, I began looking for some form of tube."

Kaidan closed his eyes tightly for a brief moment, unsure if he wanted to continue._ Just get it out. It'll help her feel better. Right._ "I looked high and low for something labeled... well... something that had that label on it. Eventually, I asked another person on my rotation - a girl named Rahna. She was quite nice about the situation considering what it entailed, but I've never forgotten that particular term."

A musical chime gurgled from behind Tali's visor. He had to assume the sound was laughter. He hoped it wasn't disgust.

"That was most informative, Lieutenant. Thank you."

"My... ah... pleasure."

He was about to leave Tali to her work - or devious planning - and had actually progressed to the doorway before he heard the unmistakably amused voice of the commander-captain. "I don't believe I've heard that story before, Kaidan."

"No, ma'am." It was a breach of protocol, but he continued on past her without further acknowledgment. He knew she was looking to talk - she often was when a mission was afoot. He also knew a tumble of stone-cold, bitter, jealous accusations were waiting in the wing and he did not have the strength of verbal control required to make it through a conversation with her without releasing them.


	9. Krogan, Cuddle

Kaidan felt like his world had gone shades of technicolor. First, there was the travel over burnt orange paths that weaved their way through red-orange, writhing swathes of lava. The color nearly depleted to shades of grey as they entered an iron ore cave complete with ancient metal hand rails, thoughtfully placed there in case of lava flow. Then his psychedelic world switched into reverse as he found himself looking up at a cerulean woman in an electric blue field. It was the second time this tour that he'd found himself looking up at an asari and he still couldn't say he found the experience pleasant.

"Uh... hello? Could somebody help me? Can you hear me out there? I'm trapped, I need help." The asari's voice echoed across the cavern.

Definitely not pleasant. He could sense brain-wracking work to come. At the very least, it would keep his tormented mind from dwelling on Shepard's proximity and her need for him to accompany her on this mission. He could understand why she hadn't taken Williams, but surely Garrus or Tali could have used some time with ground under their feet. In fact, with the turian along, there likely wouldn't have been that little incident involving the Mako's front left tire and the gelatinous goo it seemed to want to become as Shepard drove it through the lava.

He could still smell the burning synthetics... or was it the crackle of the ozone around their distressed damsel and yet-to-be-determined ally? Kaidan's glance shifted from point to point around the structure, seeking a solution as Shepard talked the increasingly unstable woman down. "Are you alright?"

"Listen," the blue lady pleaded, "this is a Prothean security device. I heard gunfire and must have hit something I wasn't supposed to on my way to refuge. You must get me out of here, please!"

Gunfire. They'd gone halfway across the planet, drowned in a pool of compressed sweat, survived the jaws of hot, molten doom, and located the only operational portion of the rather large dig site all without firing a shot. This asari was either setting them up for some brutal action or was truly the magnet of foul luck.

Kaidan changed the parameters of his search to include possibly hidden hostiles. Each barrel of dusty table settings and moldy literature held a potential assassin just beyond its staves.

Shepard was unruffled. "We'll find some way to help you."

The same could not be said for the asari. "There is a control here that will deactivate the shield, but it is only accessible from beyond the curtain. You must find a way to get past it - that is the tricky part."

That explained why Kaidan hadn't seen any switches about. Instead, he began looking for a ridge past the curtain, a secret passage or other device. At this point, he'd take a candelabra in the wall.

"Be careful. There is a krogan with the geth assaulting this place. They have been trying many ways to get in here."

Every word out of the blue woman's mouth just piled on more doom. Kaidan just how much worse it was going to get, but his inner monologue was interrupted by the indomitable Wrex. "Looks like we get to have ourselves a little party."

There was no fighting climax. Not a single shot rang out as the crew remained staring at a blue field which would only be deactivated by going beyond the barrier, leaving the original goal of deactivation somewhat useless. This was a trap designed for enemies, not allies.

* * *

A full hour later, every nook, cranny, and wedge had been explored. Much to Wrex's amusement, Shepard had also attempted to first walk past, then slam through the vibrating wall of annoyance.

Actually, everything seemed annoying to Kaidan - that little girl voice of the asari, the convenient hand rails, the blue glow of the shield, Shepard's unwavering calm, and the mining laser to his right. He stood, staring at it for a moment as the mental image of kicking it clear across the room coursed through his mind. Instead, he waited by it blankly, finally taking to fidgeting with the controls for a need to fill the aching quiet that had descended as options expired.

Rather, he meant to fiddle with the controls. What actually happened took the form of a brutal spark, leaping from prothean panel to unsuspecting ulna. The pain that coursed through his arm, staggered him back where one toe succeeded in locating one weight-bearing leg of the laser and one heel failed to find any footing at all.

Shepard was there, reaching out for the falling duo. Her gloved hand missed Kaidan, but caught the edge of the mining laser, sending a brilliant streak of light just under the blue barrier into what had before been a sealed gap.

Further away, the heavy sound of a krogan hop added a swift baseline to the high whine of the laser. "Now that'll put hair on your mivonks," he grunted.

Shepard deactivated the laser before disposing of it and offering a hand to Kaidan. He was already up. Rather than leave her hand to dangle in mid-air, Shepard turned it to a point on the newly created passageway, somehow sure that this was the answer. "Let's go rescue us an archeological princess."

* * *

It turned out the rescuing part was fairly simple. Then it all became... complicated. The walls around them rumbled under the stress of impending explosion. Prothean ruins that had lasted centuries seemed to experience their wear all at once and doom spilled from the asari's mouth. "These ruins are unstable. We need to-"

Shepard knew exactly what they needed to do. "Joker, get the Normandy airborne and lock in on my signal - on the double, Mister!"

"Aye aye, Commander," Joker responded. "Secure and away. ETA eight minutes."

It didn't feel to Kaidan they had eight minutes, but it was Wrex who most aptly voiced the tension. "If I die in here, I'll kill him."

There. The door stood just beyond that... large shadow of another krogan, armed with a small army of geth. Wonderful. "Surrender... or don't. That would be more fun."

Shepard looked ready to barrel-rush the much larger being. "There a reason you're in my way?"

"The same reason you're here. Thanks for bringing her to me."

Shepard narrowed her eyes as she reached for her pistol. "She's staying with us, thanks."

"Doesn't matter to me. Kill them."

The battle that ensued held the first time Kaidan had felt himself on the receiving end of the shearing forces of dark energy. He found himself flying through the air with breathless grace before a stubborn pillar exploded his technicolor world back into the reds he had started with. It all went black from there.

* * *

Bright overhead lights, crisp linens over notable nakedness, the swish of side-cropped hair with a streak of grey... Kaidan was in the med bay. He groaned.

"He's awake, Commander." Chakwas' voice sliced through any illusion that he was not where he thought he was.

Oh no, not her, not now, not..." He looked down. "...like this.

The muted chime of the sliding door signaled Doctor Chakwas' exit a slight second before the thump of Shepard's boots brought her towering over the bed. She seemed torn between pleasantries and direct action. In the end, the need-to-know in her won out.

"Want to tell me why you've been avoiding me, Lieutenant?"

He needed an explanation. He needed not to tell her. He needed... his clothes. "Commander?"

"You're a man of habit, Alenko and I have, at the least, some observation skills so can we get to it?"

"Why do you see him?" He hadn't meant it to come out that way - or at all - but backed into the wall, the only handholds he could find were ones that were actually there.

Shepard stood calmly. He could see the full transition of expression from shock to amusement to... what? "You mean Jaq."

The edge of the bed slunk down slightly as it began bearing her seated weight. "You make a habit of getting this personal with all your commanding officers, Kaidan?"

"Just you, ma'am."

She smiled. Her eyes went... a little misty. He wasn't bull-headed enough to think it was for him. By the time he'd begun to believe she wouldn't tell him, her smile had turned down to him. "You alright enough for a little story time, Lieutenant?"

Somewhere inside he was screaming both _Tell me!_ and _No! I don't want to know._ Shifting his weight as politely as he could, he met her gaze. "I think I might be."

* * *

_Author's note: Noting a lack of Mass Effect specific curses, I've borrowed some terms from eh... other sources.  
_


	10. The Lost, The Loved

"I had been seeing someone else, Traith, when I first met him, but we'd fallen at odds after... after my grandmother's death. I can blame Traith all I'd like for it, but there was just a hole... a void he couldn't fill - not that he tried." Shepard's voice, that had begun in soft remembrance, choked itself on unresolved rage. She took a few deep breaths before beginning again.

"Suffice it to say that even then, even before the rai- the event, there was enough despair in me to crush even my teenage ability to dwell in angst. I was working through that - on the days I aspired to something more than sleep - on a grief support community I'd found on the extranet. Jaq was there because he... well... I should let him rest with his secrets."

She wasn't looking at Kaidan anymore. "He was from a different world. He made me feel... human again. I was still breaking up with Traith when I agreed to meet Jaq. That sounds horrible. It was less that I was sneaking around, but more than Traith had not yet accepted any form of refusal I'd placed before him. He tried to... disassociate himself from this world if you follow my meaning. Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate for him - the damn batarians did the job for him."

Her chest heaved. She never said the word Mindoir and it hadn't escaped his attention that even the word raid choked her now. Kaidan very carefully rose to a seated position, tentatively touching her hand. She grasped it hard enough that he nearly regretted the action, but didn't let go. "I found him later, back on the boards, after I'd settled out a place to stay."

Her eyes lost focus as she looked up toward the harsh lights of the ceiling. "You know... I still miss her the most - my grandmother. After all that's happened, it's always her. I'll have to tell you about her some day. Doctor Michel back on the Citadel reminded me a little of her. Thank you for that, by the way..."

By now, Kaidan's free hand was resting around Shepard's stomach, pulling her back toward him. He didn't recall deciding to place it there, but neither party seemed to wish to revoke its permission to be there.

"He was... sweet at first, always with ready with a 'beautiful' or an 'I love you'. The latter happened before the former. That should have tipped me off some. He had been on leave when I first stayed with him and I hadn't yet seen my first tour of duty. He showed me... a lot about what a woman and a man can do on both sides of the spectrum. On V-day one year, I decided he was the man I was going to marry and turned myself over to what he wanted."

"It's really only now that I can see how distant he was after that, how every advance I made was an annoyance. He'd turned on the light, but closed the door to the room where it was on. Then I knew I was lonely, but it was a test. I needed to see it all as a test, something I could pass that made sense, had an end, a meaning... a purpose. I... I can't explain why I saw him as the sun, but it was what I thought I needed at the time... and you know, maybe it was. I still sometimes want to see him even though I'm having trouble remembering the good."

Kaidan didn't want to tell Shepard that if she were publishing a book, it would be thrown off the shelf. He realized that as true as the story felt, he was still getting the mental press copy of her story, the way she told it to herself to make her life move on, the bootstraps of her psyche.

Her story skipped around to hit each of the tenderest places in her without rhyme or reason to the person trying to follow the story. He didn't understand what she saw in him or why she could tell him how wrong he was, but still want to see him. It was driving him slowly insane.

"Kaidan... how did you know? About Jaq? It was Joker, wasn't it?"

He was a little ashamed to admit his eavesdropping now. It had seemed a rightful thing to do at the time. "The other night... I... heard you... speaking to him."

"Oh Kaidan, I wasn't- that message. It was a recording, the last time I spoke with him... when he was stationed on Eden Prime."

She turned to face him directly and her eyes nearly undid him. He needed something to say... something to clear himself... or something incredibly suave. He didn't have it. "Ma'am, how would Joker know?"

She lifted a brow, clearing the tears that never quite came in one jerky motion. "Don't you know? Joker knows all."

It worked. They were both laughing again, the foul mood and cool air broken. He was shamed though, that it was she who was strong enough to bring the laughter, his woman of many tragedies.

"In that case then, I should probably get dressed."

Shepard didn't look down. She didn't blush. After she slid off the bed, she simply stared pointedly at his chest and grinned. "I noticed."

She tossed his uniform at him. Over flailing garment limbs and the _whoomf_ they made against his chest, he heard the door click open and saw the tail end of her vanish through the door. This time, his grin wasn't about her omni-tool at all.

* * *

Hours later, Kaidan was behind his favorite console, punching up communications logs. Without the date, he had to run some tedious cycles of the data, but eventually he found two recent transmissions from Eden Prime. One, he knew only too well, and doubted Williams would appreciate a re-run of that incident should she happen by.

The other held all the data he needed to lose Shepard's respect forever.

Transmission: 00:34:23:15:05

Co-ordinates: 23-1.04

Signature Key: Tenari, Jaqarand, Corporal.

His fingers hovered over the keypad as he debated his next action. In truth, he had no idea what he hoped to find. Replaying the message alone would be bad enough, but to dig for something more?

In the end, he let his hands rest upon the console top, with his forehead soon to follow, and groaned.

"Is the console giving you trouble?" Liara, their damsel-no-longer-in-distress, peered curiously at him from just outside the mess hall.

Kaidan grudgingly looked up. "Ah... no. It's just been one of those days."

The asari cocked her head in a very human gesture of confusion. "Is it not always one of a day? What sort of day categorizes this one?"

He had to blink for a moment at that one. Once his brain processed it, he decided simply to try again - but only once more. "It has been a particularly trying... No wait. It has been an emotionally difficult day." There. He nodded, satisfied with his explanation.

"Oh." She seemed to ponder for a moment at the floor before her head came up cheerfully. "Is there a manner in which I might help alleviate your emotional stress?"

This was going to take some getting used to. "I would prefer to handle it on my own. ... but ah... thank you, Liara."

"It is not a problem, Kaidan." He winced. It had been so long since anyone other than Shepard had used his given name that it felt like an intimate trespass of odd sorts.

Liara frowned. "Have I committed a... fox-pa?"

Kaidan recovered enough to chuckle. This woman was amazing, more in her attempt to grasp human idioms than her lack of grasp of them. He tried to imagine for a moment, how it would have gone over had he told her the tubes story instead of Tali. "I think you mean faux-pas and no, it's alright. It's just-"

"One of those days." Liara smiled, seemingly impressed with herself. Kaidan nodded, gratefully letting the chance for explanation slip away.

The commander's voice broke suddenly over the comms, requesting his presence for a debriefing. As Kaidan headed over, he found that he was looking forward to seeing her in a different light.


	11. Laughter, Honor

"Too close, Commander. Ten more seconds, we would have been swimming in molten sulfur. The Normandy isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull. Just for future reference." Joker wasn't in the comm room, but his omni-present voice made up for that.

"We almost die out there and your pilot is making jokes?" Liara entered the room just behind Kaidan, just in time to catch - and be unamused by - Joker's humor.

A small smirk wriggled its way up Kaidan's cheeks. It almost died as his eyes caught something hard and unnerving in Shepard's matching set, but then, his good humor infected her as well. Soon Williams' lips were twitching with suppressed laughter. It wouldn't take much to set them off - and it didn't.

Wrex was ambling his way into the room. As he made his way past Garrus, a flicker of the turian's mandibles distracted Kaidan's eyes just long enough not to see what caused Wrex to stumble. The towering, turtle man caught himself against the wall, but the sound that came out of him... "Blehh."

Kaidan hadn't known krogan vocal cords were capable of making a sound so near to that of a bleating sheep. He couldn't keep on his feet as laughter overtook him. The collective chorus of Alenko, Shepard, and Williams was joined by the tinny trill of Vakarian. Wiping a tear from his eye, Kaidan found he'd gained new respect for the avian man. Not everyone would have the balls to trip a krogan.

The only ones not amused were Liara and Tali though Kaidan suspected from the set of Tali's shoulders that she had a mute control somewhere within that suit of hers. Even Wrex added his deep, thunderous chuckle to the mix. He pounded the turian's shoulder in a gesture Kaidan acquainted all too well with congratulatory sportsmanship.

"You are all insane," Liara gasped.

"It's a coping mechanism, T'soni. You'll get used to it." Shepard grinned. "Alright, crew. Let's hear thoughts on the last mission before we get to the options ahead."

The not-quite-recovered asair nodded. "I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there and not just from the volcano."

To her side, Wrex wasn't interested in platitudes. "You know... we should have brought that laser back with us. It had a nice kick."

The conversation continued on traversing theories on Saren, Protheans, and even Liara's age. When talk turned toward Eden Prime and the beacon, Liara became bold. She stood, her hand outward as though she could not help but touch the candy in the store that was Shepard's mildly vision-addled brain. The commander flinched back in her seat. Her right hand twitched for her pistol.

"Commander, I can join my consciousness to yours. Maybe my knowledge can help clarify your vision."

Shepard didn't look any more pleased than she had before. It was almost as though, to her, Liara was offering a rattlesnake to heal her ills. Kaidan felt the need to intercede. "Liara, what does this... joining involve exactly? We humans can be a little... touchy when it comes to people poking at our minds."

Ash threw in her two cents with a firm, "I'll say."

Liara looked baffled, but recovered as she studied Kaidan's countenance. "I see. It is a common practice among my people. I would not have thought of it that way." She flushed then turned back to Shepard. "There is no need for me to actually touch you, but I find it helps. I will require that you focus your gaze on mine and your thoughts on the vision. We will share data, similar to the way a console transfers files, but all in an instant. It is also somewhat like a memory you receive from watching a vid. It did not actually happen to you, but you can remember it as though it did, but with distinction."

Shepard seemed to focus on the computer analogy while disregarding the memory clarification to steel herself. It wasn't an obvious transition, but Kaidan was watching her closely. Even from the outside, the transfer was chilling, leaving lingering memories in his mind of the drop in Liara's voice as she commanded Shepard to 'embrace eternity'. He almost hated to think what it was like on the direct end of it that Shepard was tied to. Part of him tensed to go to her, protect her, but he waited.

Shepard seemed drained, dizzy for a moment, but like the night of their drinking party, she recovered the facade of herself enough to discuss the two next possible targets of Noveria and Feros. "Essentially, what we have is a science facility out of contact with the last seen officer of that facility possibly being Benezia T'soni and a colony with reports of geth activity and a missing contact. Thoughts?"

"I think we should wipe the geth off the face of Feros, Ma'am. They owe me a few." The set of Williams jaw was dangerous as she finished speaking.

"If Saren's right hand is indeed at the facility on Noveria, we cannot lose the tactical advantage we might gain from her information or..." Garrus trailed off his threat out of respect for the presence of the woman's living daughter."

To her credit, Liara seemed able to assess the situation objectively. "As much as I do not relish the thought of seeing my mother again after all this time, it has been my experience that facilities on Noveria generally do not go out of contact unless they are under lock-down. However, this could mean grave environmental danger similar to that we just experienced or a simple privacy breach."

"I believe there is also much we may gain from attacking the geth first. At the rate they seem to be evolving, our weapons may not be as effective later as they would be now." Tali's voice indicated a determined expression that could not be confirmed through her visor.

"Wrex? Alenko?" Shepard prodded expectantly.

The huge krogan shrugged. "Just point me in a direction and tell me who to shoot - or better yet, who not to shoot." His brief laugh rumbled through the room.

When it ceased, the lieutenant added his assement. "It's a hard call, ma'am, but I tend to agree with Garrus. The knowledge of the location of any of our top targets is something we may not come by again. There are many geth, but few commanders." Kaidan nearly tripped the word commander, but it seemed to be taken as he'd intended it, rather than unintentionally voice his fears.

Shepard nodded, considering deeply. "We will have our new bearing in the morning. Rest up crew."

It seemed to be as close to the formal order of 'dismissed' as she was going to come. The crew began to part ways. As Kaidan hit the doorway, a blue hand appeared on his shoulder. "Lieutenant, if I might speak with you a moment?"

He nodded, not entirely oblivious to the dark gaze filling Shepard's eyes at his back.

* * *

It was actually a rather minor issue the asari had had in mind. It appeared, much to his dismay, that the tubes story had begun to circulate the ship. He had begun to make his way toward engineering to have a polite chat with Adams about that when Garrus begged his attention over by the Mako.

"Lieutenant, one of your diagnostics came to my attention earlier when I attempted to sync the Mako communications logs with the main terminal. It appeared incomplete so I took the liberty of fleshing it out for you. I can upload it to your omni-tool now if you like."

"Ah... sure." Kaidan wasn't sure what diagnostic the turian was referring to, but a sneaking suspicion attached itself to his spine with an icy adhesive. The issue fell to the back of his mind as the transfer completed and the newly restored tire of the Mako caught his attention. "Wow, that's some very quick work and the thruster analog has been updated... the vents... Wow."

It seemed he was on a role inspiring pride in others around him with his halting rambles. Garrus's face gestured in a way that reminded him of a newly preened parakeet. "She's a good model, if not one of the better-handling ones. I'm hoping we can fix that too."

Kaidan nodded, savoring his awe. The omni-tool beeped once, reminding him that there were other things yet to attend to. "Thanks, Vakarian."

Making his way toward engineering again, he paused in the doorway to check the report. The icy glue from earlier expanded to crawl along his entire spine as he read the data Garrus had recovered.

* * *

Kaidan was returning to his station when Shepard cornered him in the shadowy hall between her door and his console.

"Kaidan, I..." She seemed to reconsider her words several times before she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his head down toward hers.

Steel he didn't know he had made itself known in that moment as it turned his head away from the heat of everything he wanted, everything that was resting on Shepard's lips... mere millimeters away... "Shepard... we can't."

"Screw regs, Kaidan, just this once."

"No, Shepard. I- you can't- you still need to deal with-" His voice dropped down ten stories of emotion to a dead whisper. "Jaq's still alive." The words tasted funny on his lips. They crawled through his skin, pushing the rise of conflict within him to levels that were more than he could bear standing still. He didn't wait for her response after he thrust the data disc at her. Guilty and despairing, he turned away.

It was then the flush of the moment he could have had caught up to him. Desire shoved honor on its arse as he turned swiftly to pull Shepard up in the kiss he'd dwelt on for... a time he could no longer remember. His hands relished the feel her face as he returned to the warm home that was by her side.

She stopped him with one hand. She wasn't angry or upset, just matter-of-fact. "No, Kaidan, I will do this right-"

Now, a thorough wreck inside, he turned, trudging off almost before Shepard finished her sentence in a low whisper, her eyes once again at his back. "-by you."

* * *

_Author's Note: Giving credit where credit is due - if you enjoyed Wrex's stumble scene here, you should check out a comedian named Tommy Tiernan._


	12. Hamsters, Car Wrecks

Not even the landing on Noveria had been without issue. The moment they docked, an over-anxious soldier demanded Shepard lay down arms before being allowed entrance. As Kaidan, along with Shepard and Liara, stared down the pistol glare of security officer Matsuo, Joker's words rang in his ears. "Fun bunch - think I'll take my next leave here."

Thankfully, a bitter war of egos between Shepard and Matsuo was cut short by the intervention of Secretary Parasini and the ground team was finally allowed access to the station. Of course, leaving that station proved to be another matter entirely. They were told that the object of their investigation happened to be on Peak 15, well beyond the restrictions of the station. To gain access, they would need to seek the administrator's approval. Red tape upon red tape.

The entire facility had the combined feel of a shopping mall and a maximum security prison. That atmosphere, along with the contemptuous glare of dozens of well-to-do's, stepped on every last nerve Kaidan had. In an odd way, he felt he was back on Jump Zero. Ahead of him, Shepard's arm shot out, pointing out the direction of a hanar-owned shop. "Alenko, why don't you and... Dr. T'soni see if they don't have that STA drive we were looking for earlier. I have a feeling the administrator won't respond well to an armed entourage bursting into his office."

Kaidan nodded as Liara turned to him, her eyes questioning. As he explained the ... incident... with the console earlier, he caught a sight of Shepard over the top of the eager asari's head. The commander appeared to be attempting direct ocular to cerebral communication with him in grave intensity. In the time it took him to shift his weight uncomfortably, she was gone.

"This is an important device, then?"

Liara's question drew Kaidan back in. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped speaking or what he'd been saying when he was for that matter. "Not really-" The lieutenant paused, having to reevaluate his thoughts. He'd been about to verbally question Shepard's motives. It did seem like a do-nothing mission now that it was pointed out to him, however he was certain she had other reasons. For lack of knowing what they were, he went with the first idea that popped into his mouth. "We should also see about some more advanced armor for you."

Had he been staring at her? So far everything here was more political nightmare than battlefield, but he assured himself that tides could easily change. Considering what they might face, he winced. Neglected armor aside, why had Shepard brought her? No one should have to face their own-

"Lieutenant?" The asari worried. "Is something wrong. Is my armor that poor?"

"Just thinking about your... ah..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Benezia. There isn't armor made yet that will shield you from emotional battles."

She actually turned a few shades of darker blue. He'd thought that asari blushing was just a myth. "You are kind for considering my feelings, Kaidan, and also correct. This will not be easy, but it is necessary. If there is a chance I can- Oh, but I've never been able to convince her of anything before." Her eyes turned down in direct correlation with the drop in her feeling of self-worth.

Before contemplating the repercussions, Kaidan tipped her head back up with a palm under her chin. There was just something in that gesture he couldn't bear... on anyone. "You'll do fine, Liara."

She didn't quite smile, but she nodded and followed him as he moved out of the corridor toward the hanar shop. Something about her attitude prickled along the back of his neck, but his self-rationale assigned the feeling to the eerie double-tone of the shop owner's voice. "This one offers greetings. You work for the spectre that visits port Hanshan."

The next time he found a mirror, Kaidan was going to check for that forehead tattoo of name, rank, and business that seemed to tip off everyone he was about to speak to. He supposed though, that the sidearm didn't help create a feel of anonymity. He had begun to look around after offering his greetings, but found the luminescent being's attention still on him.

"This one has a burden that you might ease. This one has procured an item that is not permitted on the station for a client. Your Shepard could assist me with bringing this item through customs. This one would humbly request that you speak to her on this one's behalf."

The lieutenant remained stuck on the term "your Shepard" for a moment before his mind kicked into the present with all the speed of moving a vid from pause to fast-forward. "You want me to convince her to smuggle for you?" He couldn't hide the disbelief hanging in his voice or avoid phrasing the question so directly.

The hanar looked uncomfortable, as much as Kaidan could tell from its gelatinous form. "This one" hovered backwards and seemed to scan the area. "That is not inaccurate. This one could produce your drive and a good deal of credit for this favor."

Kaidan rolled his tongue in his mouth as he considered the proposal. "You... probably won't answer this, but what is the item?"

"Hamsters."

The lieutenant blinked, unable to stop the conjuration of his own furry, childhood pet, Bubba. Bubba had been quite the construction worker with toy blocks. It wasn't until later that Kaidan had found out he was unintentionally helping the rodent move them. "Hamsters?"

"Live animals of any kind are not permitted on this station, but this one's partner has often complained about the absence of the pitter patter of tiny feet."

Kaidan would have loved to correct "this one" on the human meaning of that term, but reconsidered as he found he did not know enough about hanar culture to determine if to them that term did in fact mean hamsters. "I'll... ah... speak to the commander."

"This one would be most pleased."

* * *

Three standard hours, two tiny hamsters, and one very displeased commander later, a glowing - well, more than usual - hanar left to present the gift to a parter off-station, leaving the shop and a mountain of credits in Kaidan and Liara's hands. Shepard had gone off to continue a conversation with Parasini after the administrator had unwisely failed to grant Shepard her request.

The lieutenant was standing against a tall display, admiring two top of the line STA drives when a very blue Liara fell out of the armor-fitting room to his right. She stood upright and bounced about, attempting to slide the left leg of the suit in some direction on her right one. Whether she was trying to get it off or on, he couldn't yet tell.

As she continued to stumble about and Kaidan continued to turn red, he realized two things. She was in fact attempting to remove the armor and she was so intent upon it that she had not yet realized she was on semi-public display. Several minutes into the armor removal dance, the baseline of frustrated grunts became obscene curses to a goddess he was unfamiliar with. As he his hand half-raised to cover his eyes respectfully, the lieutenant found he couldn't completely look away. The half-revealed complexities of asari anatomy turned the display into a very strange version of the grav-car accident effect.

"Enjoying the view?"

The negligent hand moved the rest of the way over his eyes as Shepard arrived in the doorway, but it was far too late.

With a squeak, Liara dove back into the dressing area to return later in a slightly different style of armor. In the mean time, Shepard's glare at Kaidan had turned unnervingly half-amused. "I didn't realize that interested you, Kaidan."

"No ma'am. I was just... the drives... then the cursing...goddess... I couldn't... grav-car accident." The more he stumbled over his words, the more amused Shepard seemed to become. It was as though she was discerning something pleasing from his discomfort - or just enjoying her ability to make him writhe intensely.

"Relax, Lieutenant. You're dismissed. Run back to the Normandy and send Vakarian down. There's a turian with a pass here I think he might help me relate to. Oh, and Kaidan?"

He was in agony. What could she want? What would he have to do to live this down? What was she going to do with Garrus? "Ma'am?"

"I really think you should take some shore leave as soon as we're able. Ondalium perhaps."

An image of the commander and himself slow dancing in a tropical restaurant imprinted itself on his field of vision. "I could look forward to some shore leave, Commander." He immediately winced. She had been verbally sending him on shore leave away from her not with her. He was not precisely in her good graces at the moment and even if he were there were two other little matters in the way, one named Jaqarand.

"Glad to hear it, Lieutenant." Her face softened to a wistful smile as she looked up at him. He began to have hope that maybe, just maybe, she had received the same image.

Softly, he felt his own smile return.

* * *

_Author's Note: For those wondering, Ondalium is a beautiful place Zing-baby invented and the armor removal dance is borrowed from Fortunesque with permission. In both cases, the imagery was too wonderful to pass up so I thank both of these writers for bearing with me. I truly recommend reading Armor by Fortunesque and Ondalium by Zing-baby for more on each of those. _


	13. Krioke, Serenade

"I did not sign on for this." The first audible words of a heated discussion between Shepard and Garrus did not bode well for whatever mission would be requested next. Kaidan scanned for his exit route.

"It is a grand turian tradition and not surprising that Quinn would choose that method to restart his business. It is fair payment for the pass." Garrus continued his side of the argument.

Just inside the CIC, Shepard folded her arms and turned to face him. "As much as I'm certain that the rumors of impropriety were mostly a fabrication. I fail to see how parading about in that manner would benefit a company called Synthetic Insights."

"Quinn is a clever man, it would not be difficult to spin the spectacle of a singing spectre into just the type of crowd-draw he'd like." The turian's mandibles flared impatiently.

"Ah yes, and meanwhile, what a boon I'd be to the spectrehood." The commander's eyes narrowed, adjusting the intensity of her stare from hot to nuclear.

"Wait a minute... singing spectre? Skipper?" Those few words were the first and last from Chief Williams before she doubled over in a fit of very unprofessional laughter.

"Laugh it up Chief. You've just become the opening act in this canary show." Shepard patted Ash's shoulder firmly.

_Exit now. Exit would be good now._

Kaidan hadn't moved over two centimeters before Shepard's falsely sweet voice drew out his name. "Kai-den."

"Ma'am?"

"How much do you know about Kri-oke?" She was coming closer.

He swallowed hard. "Very little, ma'am."

"Good. We all get to find out together."

_No, please no._ Silently Kaidan begged everything from Ash's god to Liara's goddess to grant him a reason to stay on this ship. _Let the new drives malfunction now. Right now would be good._ Staring at the console he'd recently fixed did not bring about the intended crash.

"Joker!" Shepard's voice cut hard through the silence that had been punctuated only by the remnants of one woman's choking laughter. "I know you're listening, Joker. Report to the exit ramp asap. I think we've found an away mission worthy of your talents."

"As much as I'd love to strut my stuff down there for you. I find the option of leaving the Normandy unguarded while Matsuo continues to stare lasers at it... unpalatable."

"Now, Moreau. Johnson can handle our Miss Security Pageant Noveria."

There was an extended pause from the bridge, followed by a reluctant, "On my way."

"Let's see... nar Rayya is occupied... have Moreau, Williams, Alenko, Vakarian..." A less than subtly pointed pause followed Garrus' name before Shepard continued. "Wrex, T'soni. I have a different mission for you. In the lounge closest to Synthetic Insights, you'll find a two warring corporate spies, a Mallene Calis - asari, tall, matronly - and a Rafael Vargas - human, short, slimy. They'll be hard to miss. Find out what's going on between the two and if there's anything we can use to help open this snowball up to some digging. I'll leave it to you to determine who speaks with whom."

There was an audible sigh of relief from Liara and a notable lack of one from Wrex. No one was going to make him sing - no one who wasn't a nicely humped krogan woman anyway.

* * *

The assembled group of shang-haied singers stood uncomfortably backstage. Somehow, Quinn had worked out a full ensemble of background singers and multi-tonic orchestra comprised entirely of AI engines. It would be a glorious day for SI, Ltd. if the Normandy crew could pull this off with any measure of pride and... possibly some anonymity or at the very least, compelled forgetfulness. A round of drinks seemed in sight after this venture. In fact, it wouldn't have hurt to have some right-

"Here."

Kaidan swiveled his neck over as a sober Joker held up a flask of an unidentified substance. The pilot was looking straight forward, boring holes in the air between himself and the suspiciously professional curtain. He looked oddly serious, determined. Though Kaidan had seen much of him in profile, he'd never seen him without the company of a scowl or smirk. He looked as Kaidan felt, a man pulling himself together to make the best possible use of such a humbling experience. Together they shared a look of hopeful despair and drank down the contents of the flask without asking any questions of it. It was terrible. It was hard-hitting. It was liquid steel.

"She'd better appreciate this."

Kaidan nodded. As much as they both knew the way Kaidan would have meant that sentiment to refer to Shepard, they knew that Jeff Moreau wasn't speaking about Shepard at all.

The dark drapes gave way to an exceptional light, pouring down on a very poised Ashley Williams. As her song began, Kaidan watched Joker become a man transformed. Any bet he would have taken said that the man beside him was seeing not a spunky soldier in plain clothes, but an elegant woman in a glittering evening gown - not a last-minute stand of karaoke, but a sweet, sultry serenade.

"...

Reach the stars - fly a fanta-syy.

Dream a dream

and what you see will be...

Rhymes that keep their secrets

will unfold behind the clouds

and there upon a rainbow

is the answer to a ne-ver en-ding sto-or-ry.

..."

Beside him, Kaidan caught Joker mouthing the next line along with Ash as though the words telling him to "show no fear for she may fade away" were a prime directive taken to heart. He had to hand it to the chief. By the end of her starlit song, she had managed to melt some of the passing Noverians into a staying, swaying audience. She bowed and then it was Joker's turn.

Sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage sans ball cap, the lieunant had to admit that the man they called Joker looked like anything but. With one braced leg moved in as though it might be propped on the rung of the stool and head held low as if preparing for a ballad of old. Instead, once the music began, Joker's head turned up with a trademark smirk. His hands began playing the air acoustic and the words, while potentially serious, were anything but somber.

"...

Stars appear and shadows a'fallin'.

You can hear my heart a'callin'.

A little bit of lovin' makes everything right

and I'm gonna see my baby tonight.

All of my love - all of my kissin' -

you don't know what you've been a'missin'.

..."

As he'd done throughout the song, Joker dropped his air guitar briefly to bounce a few percussion notes off a non-existent drum set to complete the set.

From the other side of the stage, Shepard quirked a knowing smile and began the first applause for him. The crowd, swollen by members attracted to the upbeat tune, surged forward, eating Joker up. Kaidan found himself infected by the smug grin of their pilot and began to feel, as he stood there on the sidelines wiping sweaty palms against pressed pants, that perhaps he really could do this.

The organization of the set was meant to work a path back to Shepard, their headline act, and, while Kaidan did not envy her seat at last position, he suddenly wished he had not taken Garrus up on his offer to swap. While before he thought he'd need those extra minutes to quell his dread, now he could only think on how it would feel to be out there and doing it... and then be done with it. _Oh, to be done with it._

So wound up was Kaidan as the clock wound down that no word from a very self-satisfied Joker could stop his backstage pacing. All of his nervous habits revealed themselves at once. His hands brushed the sides of his pants though there was nothing on them. His fingers wiped through his hair though it was straighter before he'd done so. His palms grasped the back of his neck though there was nothing for them to do there.

When he tried to stand still, he found himself shifting his weight from foot to foot, causing minor squeaks in the floorboards. He only heard parts of Garrus' electronic chanty.

"...

Wake the sea of silent hope.

Water down your empty soul.

Fight your foes, you're not alone

...

The bleeding loss of blood runs cold.

..."

Some part of Kaidan's brain was amused by the twin sounds of the synthetic music and the turian vocals, but the rest was screaming.

He was next.

Garrus didn't quite bow, but made a formal gesture that went over well with the standing turians, especially Quinn, who saluted him. He offered an odd sort of smile to Kaidan and then was off.

Forcibly restraining his hand from crossing himself or making any sort of protective gesture, Kaidan retrieved Joker's forgotten stool and sat himself down, tipping his head just slightly enough to see his beautiful Shepard from the corner of his eye. He needed this to be for her. Not them. Taking a deep breath, he began in a husky whisper that was too soft and too close to spoken word to be considered singing at first, but grew as the feel of the song coursed through him. In time, he was serenading her as openly as he could chance.

"Me revoici

dans ce bar enfumé

avec mes yeux ivres.

Je me parle a moi-même.

Ooh c'etait toi. Ooh c'etait toi.

Me revoici

cherchant ton visage

et je réalise

que je devrais chercher une autre.

Ooh c'etait toi... You were the one.

Je recherche l'affection

qu'une autre pourrait me donner,

mais après tout,

je sais qu'il n'y a personne -

personne qui puisse me sauver.

Tu etais... la seule..."

It wasn't the full song, but it was as much as dared sing for a multitude of reasons. The unfortunate foremost at the moment being his strong desire to run off the stage. He'd have loved to say it was her eyes that held him, made him strong enough to remain collected, but he couldn't see them. His Shepard was in shadow somewhere. He retired himself on his own moxie.

The crowd didn't seem to know what to make of him. Some clapped, some cheered, some stood in unreadable silence. All waited for the miracle that would be the singing spectre.

Deep in his homey shadows, Kaidan planted his eyes on the stage where she would be and let no force around him pull his attention elsewhere. This was a rare thing, a Haley's comet of a chance. At this point, no one would care how intently he watched her. They were all doing the same. Rather, they were all watching an empty spot. A voice from beyond the curtains came just as the crowd began to grow antsy. It had none of Ashley's higher-range poise or Joker's pep. None of Garrus's smooth strength, but just a little of Kaidan's complete lack of confidence.

The voice was low, lilting, noticeably untrained, but still beautiful. The sound was heart and soul. It was mourning and desire, loss and love, pain and hope. The voice alone moved the crowd to sway, to reach to the stage, to be there with someone they could not yet see. It was a sight in itself, though there were some dissenters - those who believed more in the meter of rhythm than the reason for song.

"...

Quando sono solo songno all'orizzonte e mancan le pa...ro...le...

Si lo so che non c'è luce in una stanza quando manca il so...le...

Se non ci sei

tu... con me.

Con me."

It was then that Shepard stepped out. She was expressive on the stage, moving her arms with the feel of each word. At times, when she turned some, he could see into her eyes, see the faint glitter there. The song was personal, too much so for such an event. He had a suspicion that there had been a last minute track change on her part, but he didn't yet know why.

"...

Con te...

partirò...

paesi...

che non ho mai...

veduto e vissuto... con te...

Adesso, si, li vivrò... con te...

partirò...

su navi per mari

che, io lo so...

no, non, non esistono più...

Con te io li vivrò.

..."

As he had, Shepard cut off the song a few verses short. She walked a roundabout path to the back of the stage, stopping to receive adulation, stopping by him.

"Mio sole, tu sei qui con me... con me... con me.."

She whispered to him and only Joker was there to overhear. Their translators stumbled over the halting rhythm of the song, giving nothing but gibberish for an output. Kaidan was touched merely by its sound.

All five gathered for a final bow as Lorrick Quinn introduced his new wave of composing AI and a new beginning for Synthetic Insights, Limited. In a ceremonial farewell, the pleased turian businessman handed Shepard the evasive garage pass. After turning the frigid crowd warm, the crew was now free to descend into the bitter cold outside.

* * *

Back aboard the ship, Joker and Kaidan settled in on the bridge. Liara and Wrex had yet to return, leaving Shepard, Ash, and Garrus to assault the Peak 15 station where Benezia was meant to be holed up. There simply wasn't room in the Mako for the pair of men who now busied themselves with needless diagnostics as a device for avoiding uncharacteristic worry.

After Kaidan checked the comms three times and Joker stealthily aimed the auxiliary cannon at Matsuo's office twice, boredom overtook them and they began to speak. "So... you and Ash...?"

"That would be against regs, Lieutenant Alenko," the pilot dead-panned. "Now find something better to do before I start running files on old Earth dialects."

In that moment, a wave of curiosity crashed over him. He couldn't get away from the helm quickly enough to find a more private place to look up a few lyrics, much to Joker's great amusement. "Sucker."

* * *

_Author's note: Well hey, it could happen :p and... credits... Well we have a small line stuffed in there from Kenny Rogers, but aside from that large pieces from Dune, Buddy Holly, Faunts, Billy Joel, and Andrea Bocelli in that order. If you'd really like that track names let me know (though you Mass Effectors should know the Faunts one), but otherwise no harm is meant to those great artists just tribute. They had the songs I felt would match up with the character voices and personalities in ways I could audibly hear sung by them in my head. Cheers, true ME-readers._

_PS - Oh and there were alternates... I seriously considered_ Worf's Revenge _by Voltaire for Garrus, Joker could have sung_ Come Fly with Me _in rat pack style, Williams could have chosen another song by the same band she ended up with and sung_ Keep the Secret_, Shepard could have gone with a version of_ Who Wants to Live Forever _or_ Aillein Duin_, but there was always only_ C'etait Toi _for Kaidan. Now back to our regularly scheduled program._


	14. Bleeding, Interfacing

"Medic!" Kaidan nearly tumbled from his nav-station workplace as Garrus' voice stabbed its way past the whir of de-con. A scramble to send word to Dr. Chakwas and stumbled run for the bridge later, his quick eyes lit upon the cracked arch of armor that signaled the presence of Wrex. Behind him, a smoke-scorched Garrus, bearing only half a visor, pushed in. Between them lay a double litter of female comrades so ashen that at a glance it was difficult to tell one from the other. Chief Williams walked drag, looking rather small as she bent her posture to favor one leg that shone with a combination of medi-gel and semi-sealed blood.

"Shepard!" He didn't say it. It caught in his throat somewhere behind the vital organ that had managed to lodge itself there.

The quintet made their somber way to the med-bay, down a deck. He wanted to go to her, assist the doctor. He pushed for it, but a ghost of a woman had materialized in his way. He looked down in anger. He knew this woman. She worked the ship, always there, but not. At the moment he couldn't remember her name well enough to shout it at her. It wasn't just her arms that stopped him, it was the weight and width of a military-issue laundry basket that caged him in, his waist caught along the hip curve of the contraption. It was an easy trap to escape, but his mood would not allow for the thought that would allow him to escape the crafty flow of this woman's block. He stopped himself short of trying to bowl her over as her penetrating eyes connected with his and forced him to take a breath of honest logic.

Doctor Chakwas was far more qualified to help her now and with the five injured plus the doctor, himself... they'd be lucky if one could find their elbow, nevermind any sort of medical equipment. No, she would radio if she need assistance. He could best help by... well, doing his job. An idea, that should have occurred long before were he functioning as a soldier, popped into his head.

He took that long breath in and returned the gaze of the private before him. "Thank you, Freddie."

Together they nodded then parted. Kaidan locked himself into the most capable terminal he could find - his - and began the process of wiring his way from the shipboard computer to the auxiliary ports of Peak 15 via Port Hanshan security. The final goal being to, hopefully, interface with the main VI of Rift Station.

* * *

Hours into the procedure, Kaidan was sweating with the effort of concentration. His eyes had long since lost their ability to focus on anything outside of the terminal and the talented Tali'zorah was working beside him through a linked system.

It appeared that Shepard's company had cleared several bridges of geth only to be held up at a barricade, long held by the standing militia. Liara and Wrex, upon finding no information of current value in the case of the feuding desk jockeys, had commandeered their own vehicle to meet up with Shepard and break the stalemate. Some of the data between that point and the release of asari commandos upon the crew was entirely obscured or beyond the scope of VI Mira - at least the portions of her that had been able to be restored. For all her omnivoyance, she was still an injured and partially blind VI. There was something about a cure, quarantine and some other medical data logged as some sort of success that Kaidan stored away for later review.

The really interesting view came from an amateur video feed from a tech so shell-shocked by all the goings-on that it had all come full circle to come back to a strange sort of normal to him. He was like a demented tourist on vacation as he continued on in a shaky vid. "Check it out, a spectre, a real spectre. No one's going to believe this!"

The video zoomed in as holo-Shepard moved toward a large tank. The videographer seemed to shift interests between Shepard's backside and the direction of her gaze. It allowed Kaidan enough of a view to scan for injuries. At that time, she appeared intact though her armor was a bit worse for the wear. A blinking blue light along the rear pack of her armor generator bothered him. She was running without shields. Tired as he was, he nearly yelled at the holo-woman to recharge.

"What the... what is... what is that!" A shaky zoom beyond the cam's aspect range revealed something large and... twittering? It was as a giant bug... rachni? Couldn't be. Beside him, Tali murmured her own awe at the sight of the creature, confirming his identification jump.

"I'm going to be famous. Oh man, I'll have woman around the bl...agk" The feed dropped to the ground in a red haze as the remaining end of a dark pincer-like form withdrew from a part of the spectator that Kaidan did not make too much of an effort to identify. A gurgle of thick, reddish fluid spilled out into the lower range.

A shot crackled through the area as Shepard wheeled around to end the life of the killer creature in a final splatter of gore. Someone slight, most likely Liara, came over to check the vitals of the downed cameraman. The video caught half of her chest in view, showing signs of ragged breathing and a favored side - signs Kaidan recognized as biotic exhaustion.

Behind her, in the splinter of the room that remained in view, another asari stood. She stumbled her way, puppet-like, to the large holding tank where she plastered herself against the glass and remained pinned as an entomologist's butterfly. The vid did not transmit the voice properly. Something in the tones trilled out of the asari's throat jarred the feed into audible nothingness. He did, however, hear the beeping countdown of a neutron purge as it wired down. Something else in the scene whooshed open then the crew was off and running. He and Tali alone were left to view the brilliant explosion that followed. The meltdown hurt his eyes even second-handedly. No wonder Mira was half-blind. Hell, it was a wonder she was functioning at all.

Sitting back to rub his eyes and blink into the relative darkness residing by the ceiling, Kaidan considered everything he now knew. It wasn't much - if anything - more than Shepard would know, but it was a lot more than he had known previously. Secret experiments, asari spies, underhanded payoffs, a rachni re-emergence, Benezia a thrall, Benezia dead... by her own hand in a way. He would have to speak to Liara later, provided there was a later for her. She had been the last to dive away, but not by much as Shepard lingered to pull her along.

Sighing and settling back to task, he began distilling images and vids of the incident, including restricted company files, with Tali's help. The Council should see this and, should it not help there, he had no doubt it would aid them later. A sharp bing later and the process was done. There was no more left to see. He sat back again, leaning the chair to a point of submission beyond its natural form.

"You should sleep, Kaidan. If you were AI, primary systems would have long ago forced a shutdown on you."

He glanced at Tali. She was right, but there was still the nagging sensation of earlier. "No... not until sh-they awaken."

"And if that takes days, weeks...?"

She didn't say 'never', but he heard it. Forces in his head battled. The softer summer wind he felt as a man said no, there was no possibility, but the winter chill of a soldier told him that it was always a possibility.

There were always other possibilities also. It had been hours by his last count. Some of them, if not Shepard, might be up, about, and talking. He could look for them. His gaze centered on the place in her visor where Tali's eyes reflected clearest as he placed a tired honesty in her hands. "I don't think sleep will find me right now... but you should..." If he hadn't been looking so closely, he'd never have seen the sorrow flicker across her veiled gaze. She was more than professionally worried about someone too... Hmm... "Let's see the good doctor."

* * *

Wrex had never actually stayed in the med-bay and Ashley, once her armor was removed and leg re-patched, had followed him into the dark of the cargo hold to check on the cleanest set of pistols and rifles the Alliance had ever seen.

Garrus remained outside the door. He looked different without the visor covering his face. It seemed Tali thought so as well and favorably so. The two took a stroll down the deck together, leaving Kaidan to face the possible wrath of Doctor Chakwas alone. As he hadn't done in a similar situation before, he stepped into the med-bay. Shepard's visit... So much had changed since the beacon. The doctor wasn't in. Kaidan could hear muffled voices from the lab behind the bay. One was groggy, the other, after grunting with the effort of moving, began speaking as one might to a child. It wasn't a bad idea.

Kaidan looked over the pale Shepard on the gurney. He took her hand and said the first words that came to mind. "Soft kitty. Warm kitty. Little ball of fur. Happy kitty... sleepy kitty..."

"Purr. Purr. Purr." A cracked eyelid signaled Shepard's awareness after the murmur escaped her lips.

"Know that one, do you?"

"Mhm."

"I guess it does get handed down in the childhood handbook... no matter how far out or..." He sighed, his tongue was running away from him again, away from the situation.

By his side, she stirred, protesting the lack of his voice with a feeble whisper. He sat by her and let the stories come... about Vyrnnus... about Rahna... about the beach...

* * *

_Author's note: Some more credits... Winifred Stanson or 'Freddie' was created by Badpie in the story Eyes and Ears. I hope I portrayed her alright. The whole kitty bit was borrowed from Chuck Lorre's Sheldon on TBBT. It just seemed cute in Kaidan's mouth._


	15. Grim News, Acid Spit

Despite the wonders of Chakwas' skill, Shepard's condition worsened unexpectedly. The last time she had remained awake, truly awake, for any length of time had been just after the blast, with Kaidan by her side, more than a week ago. The doctor had briefed the upper officers and usual away team the morning after the neutron purge incident - all except Dr. T'soni, who was herself ill, but recovering quickly in the lab behind the med bay.

It appeared that while the seals of Shepard's hardsuit had shielded her from most of the radiation damage from the neutron purge, her current state was due to increased intercranial pressure related to the blast. Something had tickled the back of Kaidan's mind as he considered the report. It shouldn't have been anything beyond Dr. Chakwas' ability. When he'd asked about it later, the doctor had begun comforting her temple area with a few fingers as worry drew out her features. He had never seen the woman at a loss before.

"Lieutenant Alenko, " she'd sighed as she drew her hand away from her head, "I have done everything possible to relieve the pressure in her head, but something is counteracting my measures. It seems to be related to the abnormal beta waves I noted after Eden Prime. What worries me is that one should not _be_ effecting the other. Whatever it is, it's keeping her stable, but unconscious."

The two had stood, looking down at the unresponsive Shepard for a moment in silence before Kaidan had returned to his post. It was clear enough that, with Dr. T'soni injured, anyone able to help unwire prothean damage would be back in the Serpent Nebula. The next day, XO Pressly had given the order to turn around and head back to the Citadel. It wasn't closer than any medical vessel, but had facilities superior enough to negate the advantage of proximity. Anderson had received the word and briefed Dr. Michel and her staff on the situation.

The mood aboard the _Normandy_ was somber as it became apparent how much the veritable force that was Shepard buoyed the crew. Everyone seemed to be on edge as each glimmer of hope that there would suddenly be no need to put in to the Citadel was destroyed moments after it was raised. The only one whose demeanor bore no noticeable change was Wrex. Joker was somber, Williams was silent, Vakarian had begun making foolish mistakes, and nar Rayya had almost completely lost interest in the ship.

Kaidan wasn't sure how the visible change in him manifested, but he was certain it was there. He had begun the long wait floating toward the med bay as often as he came off duty, but often stopped before actually reaching it. He feared dark news more than impropriety, but came much closer to erasing worry and rumor on the latter than the former. Whispered speculations filled the mess hall. It was nothing so grandiose as the Citadel speculation out of respect for the commander, but it was inevitable nonetheless.

As he sat before the large plate of food, known to him only as biotic-sized rations, he found himself staring - at the plate, at the walls, at the tip of Johnson's jaw as the man considered bringing back his alien possession story. Kaidan had to get his head back into the game. The slight fuzz before the comm came into full voice helped.

"Joker to Alenko."

The pilot was slower than usual, quieter. Kaidan waited a fraction of a second for the message to follow before responding.

"Alenko here." His voice sounded dull even to himself.

"You're requested on the bridge," came the dry reply.

"On my way."

The straight order caused Kaidan's mind to replace the man on the other end of that voice with someone else, someone not Joker. Standing quietly, he packed in his meal and left for the bridge.

* * *

Coming up behind Joker, Kaidan was already taking in the drawn up screens for any clue on the current situation. Their amber glow, normally casting lively shades, somehow just made the pilot look sallow.

The lieutenant placed a hand on the back of the flight seat as he drew in the breath necessary for speech. "What's going on?"

Joker never looked up from the console. "We've picked up a distress signal from Edolus."

Kaidan restrained his hand from the requisite head scratch as confusion fell over him. "Why didn't you summon Pressly?"

From the terminal to his left, a soldier drew up from the curled lean he'd taken up to examine the screen more closely. At a glance, Kaidan had assumed it was one of the many techs aboard the ship. Not a good sign, assuming.

Pressly cleared his throat though he needn't have announced his presence. "He did. We wanted your input."

Joker finally turned, giving the bridge group the feel of a sheltered meeting. There was a twitch in his face, telling Kaidan he was about to be acridly called on an oversight, but the flight lieutenant only said calmly, "It's in the opposite direction."

Pressly rubbed at the remaining patch of hair on his head as he spoke. "We're not the closest ship, but we're the best equipped."

_Unless they need a massive evac._ Kaidan didn't say it nor did either of the other two men, but they were all hoping to the powers that be that it wasn't so. The signal hadn't been specific, no voice, only the automated format.

Kaidan nodded as he considered all the information before relaying the coldest, but most logical decision he could make. He needed to be a soldier now. "Shepard is stable. We need to answer that call while there still might be survivors."

He hadn't expected his decision to be the final one, but the moment the words were out of his mouth, Joker turned to fire up the ship in that direction while Pressly began plotting the logistics of the mission.

_'It could be a trap...' _It was the other thing Kaidan hadn't said - hadn't needed to say.

* * *

All the vids he'd seen on the subject told him that the giant, toothsome worm before him wasn't sentient enough to set a trap. As he holstered his overheated pistol in favor of the bigger bang of the assault rifle he couldn't be considered proficient in, he could swear the thing was grinning at them.

He, Williams, and Vakarian had long since abandoned the Mako after the acid spit of the thresher maw found its mark deep within the vehicle's core, rendering their transportation no more than a piece of cover and a poor one at that. Good cover did not melt. If he had a way to operate the cannon, he might have had as much of a chance as his comrades at hitting the towering thing. Instead, bouncing from rock to rock, he was playing decoy as the heavy shooters moved to flank the beast.

He was just lining up another shot when the sky above him filled with the shadow of green decay. If he'd thought about it, he'd never have considered his next move a viable option. The theory just wasn't sound. In that moment though, he very much needed to live - theory or no.

He abandoned the rifle, raising his hands to bring up the widest field of crackling blue he could manage, and caught the flow of acid in a stasis above his head. An outer ring of droplets splattered around him like a bad hand at darts. He turned the goo to a forward throw. His aim wasn't perfect, but he did manage to pour the maw's own digestive fluids on top of its head in the most beautiful rain storm he had ever seen.

The corrosive shower seemed to stagger the worm, but then mouth wide open, the blasted beast actually swallowed some of the spit back where it would do the least damage. Preparing for another wave of attack, Kaidan ducked under a formation of rocks. Somewhere in the darkness there, he found the split second he needed to check in on the crew. "Shield status."

"10 percent", came Ash's voice from the left, just by another set of rocks. There was a blinking light by her signal in his HUD that dropped a bit of dread into him. Something had gotten beyond her shields and was tearing into her armor.

"24 percent" Garrus was farther away. His voice tone was distant, focused. Though he couldn't see him, Kaidan could picture the turian sighting down the scope of his rifle.

A mental count in his head timed the fire from Vakarian's position and Kaidan was up and running. Like a base runner coming home, he slid in position next to Ash.

"Where's the breach?" he asked breathlessly though he was already looking for the answer.

Never taking her eyes from the flailing creature, the chief indicated a spot on her abdomen just below her chest. He couldn't actually hear the sizzle of the corrosive expectorate chewing through the layers of her armor, but his brain supplied it as he caught sight of a rapidly disappearing spot of pink and white. The thresher's spit burned so quickly that Kaidan's urge to hurriedly wipe at the acid by hand almost overrode his ingrained training as he reached for a knife in his medkit. Coated with medi-gel, it was enough to neutralize the slow-burning flesh killer as he scraped it away.

Above him, the flash of Williams' rifle burned the night air and the oversized school dissection project swung in Garrus' direction, landing guts-first on the altar of stone the turian had been using to stabilize his sniper shots.

There was a long moment of silence before the turian's voice rattled the comms, "Not good enough, you honorless son of a nathak."

Ashley was up and bouncing in the air, her body slipping through Kaidan's fingers as he tried to patch her up.

"Whooooh! Negative contacts, LT! Yeah!"

She tossed her fist toward the air in celebration, forcing a chuckle from Kaidan. He was thankful to be alive yes, but he'd never met anyone with quite the verve for it that Ash captured and held on to - kicking and screaming - with both hands.

* * *

Later, as the trio looked over the bodies of Admiral Kahoku's men, Kaidan reflected on his newfound respect for Shepard. It had taken three of them to bring the maw down and they'd been lucky that Kahoku's men had also gotten in a few shots before they went down. Kaidan dropped to one knee to disassemble the distress beacon as he pictured the calls that had to be made. These had been trained men. Their families would want to know they'd done them proud - the admiral would want to know.

He smashed the transmitter of the beacon beneath his foot. It was his tribute to the wounded Shepard - a few less who had to know the mocking face of a thresher maw.

* * *

_Author's Note: I just wanted to add a special thanks to Sinvraal who helped me make this chapter all it could be with her wonderful beta advice. _


	16. Recovery, Dreams

Kaidan took in a slow breath as the ship's internal doors slid open to the pleasant tune of "Decontamination complete." He pulled his helmet off before stepping through, curling it under one arm without much thought. He wanted to check on Shepard, but he was quite thoroughly exhausted. The very armor he'd depended on to keep him breathing this far seemed to hang like a lead curtain over his shoulders.

Ahead of him Williams, doing quite well on her injury-magnet leg, trotted down through Navigation, murmuring something about requisitions. Kaidan's eyes lingered for a moment on the coiled cocoa remnants of the chief's bun as it bounced away. It wasn't particularly fascinating, but it was the last visual he'd locked on to before that part of his brain tuned out. He didn't see Vakarian slide past him or the salutes of several junior crew members as he moved about. The actions were automatic: remove armor, check gear, return all to locker, return salute, check systems...

In time, he made his way to the bridge, just about finished with all he meant to do before he collapsed for the pseudo-night. He found Joker and Pressly there, conversing quietly with the disembodied voice of an unfamiliar woman. Somewhere between the tactful turn of a deaf ear to the conversation at Kaidan's left and the end of one of his final checks, a second transmission came through, making his night just that much longer.

"_Normandy_, this is Second Lieutenant Kayera of the _SSV Orleans_," began the pleasant voice of a female officer.

"This is Lieutenant Alenko of the _Normandy_. Go ahead, Kayera." Kaidan shot a sideways glance across the bridge as he spoke. The pair beside him were no longer on a call as it were, but speaking between themselves.

"You requested information on the _MSV Majesty_. Is that correct?" Her tone was more statement than question.

He hadn't, but it was likely Shepard had. The name coalesced into a memory of a balding, lanky man in the Citadel tower, man who was worried about his brother. Later, Williams had brought the request before Shepard and it seemed the woman was about to live up to her name - that is, if this sheep was coming home.

"That is correct, Lieutenant. What news do you have?" Kaidan moved screens around on the terminal, mentally plotting ahead. The_ Orleans_ was in the vicinity of the Strenuus system if...

"It's a ghost ship, sir. No survivors." Kayera's voice took a quieter tone as she continued speaking, carrying that odd blend of reverence punctuated by a vengeful undertone he could relate to. "Looks like the Majesty's crew were hit bad by Grim Skull mercs. A few of the survivors made it down to Xawin, but all went to hell from there for them. We sent a crew in to extract any survivors after we found the ship afloat, but..."

Kaidan could picture the other lieutenant thinking, weighing solid fact and gut sense for the content of her report. The length of her 'but' made him uneasy as he waited for her to continue.

"There weren't any. There weren't enough bodies either, just this man, Willem, and a few Skulls. Whoever the big fish was that hit the _Majesty_ made vapor trails long before we arrived." A series of clicks began on Kayera's end as her voice drew out distractedly, "there's something else."

A file came up unbidden on the console, drawing Kaidan's eyes. It was Willem's personal log. The lieutenant read along quickly, scanning for news of the attack, information on the mercenaries, flight plan... anything. Instead, he was treated to a series of entries about a father longing to see his family one more time.

Already tired, Kaidan drew up on his wit's end, snapping just a little more than he meant to. "This is all very touching, but..."

Kayera broke into his transmission, "You're going to note several entries about a son - Westley. Official files state that a brother by the name of Garoth is Willem's only immediate family. Captain Zion believes that with what you already know here, you can make some sense of this mess."

Kaidan was confounded, but intrigued. He was also too tired to try to untangle this. "Thank you, Lieutenant." He meant there to be more, but what he could manage seemed sufficient.

The woman on the other end didn't seem to take offense as she vanished into the words, "Kayera out."

Moreau and Pressly were watching him. Kaidan could almost see the spark of irreverent wit struggle for life in the Joker's eyes before it flared up to burst out his mouth.

"Now why do you get Lieutenant HotVoice while we get stuck with the iciest asari ever to leave Thessia?"

Some cracked portion of Kaidan's mind wanted to laugh. It truly did, but the fear that such a reaction would come out strained and maniacal, twisted with his desire to choke the pilot, restrained him better than the feel of duty that generally held him in an iron grip.

"I don't know what you're talking about." In truth, he didn't.

Pressly took the opportunity to fill him in on the details of Diplomat Dantius' request that they locate her sister. Added to Kaidan's report, it was a day for lost siblings. It baffled him.

"Over a hundred thousand light years of space and not one good private investigator out there?" He shook his head slightly as it came to rest in his palm. Pressly seemed to take that as his cue to head back to Navigation, departing with little fuss.

"I guess they just crave that Alliance personal touch." Joker's attention had already returned to his flight station, leaving only the acid in his words.

"How far out are we from the Citadel?" It hadn't been long since they'd departed Edolus, but Kaidan desperately needed to hear that he had a decent amount of time to sleep.

"We're just closing in on Hades Gamma now. Hitting the relay in 3... 2... " As they approached the relay, Joker's face seemed to glow with the anticipation Kaidan would normally have associated with other urges. He felt almost envious. He himself had never quite gotten over the crawling feel the relay jumps produced as the external mass effect played peek-a-boo with his own biotics.

As they passed into normal space, Joker leaned back in the chair and cracked his knuckles. The man relaxed into the chair as though skilled fingertips were working out all his stresses. Behind him footsteps padded up the walkway.

Williams' voice came softly into the quiet, "Shepard's awake."

In his mind, Kaidan was already moving toward the med bay, but his body simply failed to comply. His fingers found their own way across the orange screen before him as they closed out the last of his tasks before he turned in his seat to address the chief.

"How is she?" His voice was more hoarse than he'd intended, his breath seemed caught with anticipation to his own ears. If she noticed, Ash didn't call him on it, leaving Kaidan to label himself paranoid somewhere behind the building worry.

"Doc says she can have visitors." Williams had moved beside the screen-fixated Joker near the viewport and had begun staring into open space. They were all acting as though this was no great news. No matter how stiffly he managed to make himself stand, how slowly he moved his feet down the corridor, Kaidan knew he was to be the first to break.

* * *

The back of Liara's blue head greeted the lieutenant as he pushed into the medical bay. The flow of her conversation with Dr. Chakwas continued around him.

"... experiencing a vision. Her mind is full of so much knowledge without the key to understanding it all. I am afraid I could only help with but a fraction of it. I am still unsure of what I did to... Oh, hello, Lieutenant." Liara's train of thought seemed to end as she noticed the new arrival to the bay.

Kaidan nodded briefly to her before his gaze flickered to the doctor. Nearly staring at her, he managed to steadily keep his eyes from seeking out Shepard.

"How is she?" He addressed the question to both women.

"Resting now despite her earlier intent not to. Liara was able to help Shepard break through her enforced dream-state. The swelling has since abated, but she is still weak. Her body hasn't seen activity in quite a few days." Chakwas gaze flitted from the asari to the lieutenant, shifting from a directed gratefulness to a future-seeing admonishment before the comm broke in.

"Doctor Chakwas, this is Corporal Johnson. You presence is requested in the mess hall." If a voice could be said to do so, Johnson's was blushing several shades of red.

"What seems to be the trouble, Corporal?" A flicker of amusement ate at the doctor's grim smile.

A groan came over the comm in place of a reply.

"It seems as though I'm needed elsewhere. If you would excuse me." The older woman hurried through the door, leaving Kaidan and Liara standing above a groggy Shepard.

After a time of silent staring in which the each had counted the squares of the floor and the slots in the wall vent, Kaidan prodded gently, "So... you entered Shepard's... dream-state?"

"Yes, I have never tried the bond before without a conscious companion. It was most uncomfortable, but I was able to help her... manage many of the prothean memories she now carries. I am surprised she is able to process them at all. It seems humans have very resilient minds."

"Well, I like to think so." Kaidan felt a smile slip in as he watched Liara drift back to a dig site somewhere within herself. He couldn't deny the amusement value of the reaction he knew would come of his words.

"Oh my! It seems that even in a ship full of humans, I am still able to forget where I am." The purple was beginning to flow into her face.

"It's alright, Liara. I was only teasing you. Ah..." He searched for some hold on the previous part of the conversation to bring her back into her comfort zone. "Why was this bond uncomfortable?" No, he hadn't meant that part.

"With a normal bond, it is more like conversing as you and I are now. With Shepard, I could see her dreams in red flashes. Some were definitely prothean in origin - messages and warnings. Others were quite inti... you... Oh!" The asari's face radiated warm embarrassment as she shook her head and quickly excused herself to the adjacent lab.

Nearly alone in the antiseptic room, Kaidan looked down upon his prone commander, daring himself to reach out to stroke her hair - daring himself not to.

* * *

_Author's Note: Thanks again to Sinvraal for the beta and to all my reviewers for sticking with me an providing that much needed encouragement. _


	17. Visions, Dominoes

In time, Doctor Chakwas returned to the medical bay. To Kaidan, she was a stick-stiff head of grey pushing into the vaporous cloud that had encompassed him. He almost found it odd that he always seemed to notice her hair first, but the thought slid away once he realized how accurate a representation of her personality it was. Then there was Shepard... laying on the medical bed, her short-cropped hair spiraled out around her, haloing her head with soft stems and spiky tips...

Kaidan's hand flexed at his side, the restraint of his mind just enough to bar his fingertips from slipping through the crown of petals caressing the face of his sleeping rose woman. He only allowed himself that one fraction of a second longer before he turned to the good doctor who remained nice enough to play Kaidan's persistence in the bay as a fellow officer's concern. She must know how he felt, they all must know.

It was time to return to business - sort of. Kaidan banished the soft smile he'd been wearing in silence to an amused twitch at the edge of his lips. "Will Johnson be retaining all of his body parts?"

Chakwas chuckled, "Let's call it a matter of confidentiality. How's my patient?"

Kaidan couldn't suppress the downward turn of his mouth. "Still sleeping, Doctor."

"Not to worry, Kaidan. A few hours of normal sleep will do her some good. Even though the immediate danger has passed, her body still has several wounds to heal, requiring a great deal of resources - as she discovered when she sat up earlier." Her back to Shepard, Chakwas consulted several instruments as she spoke. The tail end of her statement trailed away from Kaidan's ears as the doctor began rifling through a drawer under the monitor.

Kaidan took the discontinued conversation as his cue to leave. As he turned toward the door, he refused himself one last look at the woman who was slowly driving him insane. The moment he drew away from Shepard's bed, light fingertips brushed against his hand. They curled inward around his own with the slightest pressure before dropping aside as he slid past.

Outside the swoosh of the med bay door, Kaidan placed a hand against the wall. His heart took on the form of a lead sinker as it made a new home, cold in the base of his stomach. The new sensation drank in the blood from his fingertips, his feet, his eyes... His face paled as he sucked in a breath and fought for clear vision in the return of his cloudy world. Her touch should not do that to him - didn't do that to him. It was the weight of worry fading into giddy relief as he realized she would be okay that caused the reaction. He was sure of it.

* * *

Muffled words emanated from behind the med bay doors at his back. Kaidan cocked his head, listening. First it was Doctor Chakwas' voice he heard - something revolving around the word Citadel. Then there was another voice, too low to truly hear yet. Liara was his most likely suspect until the tenor of the voice came together in his head - Shepard! Kaidan quickly considered how long he had been standing outside the door... and how long it would be wise to continue to do so.

"Commander, I must insist that you lie back down. You could..." The doctor's admonishment was cut short in Kaidan's ears as the mere thought of anyone forcing Shepard to lie down provoked an undeniable chuckle within him.

"... Colony... crew... needs me." Footsteps warned Kaidan of Shepard's approach before he had time to truly hear her words. Fractions of a second clicked by as the lieutenant considered his escape or some reason for his being there. The swoosh of the doors signaled the end of his time to do so.

"Alenko." The commander's voice was curt and strong, but her appearance more closely resembled an unfortunate soul left outside on Noveria too long. Her face was blanched, more so now that she was standing, and her stance had a slight waver to it. The sight of her moved Kaidan toward placing a steadying hand on her arm before he caught himself.

"Ma'am." The lieutenant had nothing further to say as he watched Shepard hold the edge of the door, preventing it from closing. He would do anything in that moment if only she would sit down. Instead, he held her gaze, awaiting orders.

"Tell Joker to turn around. Head to... Feros." Shepard's throat caught on a cough she would not let emerge.

"Aye aye, ma'am." Kaidan began to turn away and head onward to deliver the orders, but any sense of chivalry within him forced him back around, "Are you sure... ma'am?" _Are you sure you should be standing? Are you sure you shouldn't be sleeping? Are you sure you're... capable?_ A dozen facets of his question rushed through his mind, but he could not force the words questioning her capacity from his throat. It was hard enough he was questioning her command, but then - what choice had she left him?

Shepard's expression seemed to soften. Clear eyes scanned the area behind Kaidan and to his left before returning to him. The answer came earnest and quiet, "No, but I need to do this. I will rest before we get there though I may place you in charge of the ground team when we do. If anyone asks... I'll be in my bunk."

She laughed softly at some private joke, throwing Kaidan a wink made up of only a twitch at the corner of her lips. With no one's help, she made her way to the captain's quarters, leaving Kaidan both encouraged and confused - leaving him to wonder how much she had heard during her sleep.

* * *

"Now approaching Zhu's Hope. Population: little over a dozen crazy colonists." Joker's razor tongue was in full force as the _Normandy_ arrived at Feros and began touchdown near the site of the geth reports. Shepard, true to her word, made her first appearance on the bridge since their last landing. The time it had taken to traverse the space between the Exodus Cluster and the Attican Beta had brought color to the commander's features, granting her the mask of a fully functional human being.

"Now Joker, not all of us colonist-types are crazy... some are just plain mad." She was joking again. It was a good sign.

"Correction noted, Commander. Looks like we've got a welcoming party." Joker's amusement suffered a minor blow as he turned from his data screens to glance out the viewport. The party he spoke of seemed to be a single, scruffy man waving his arms at the ship. "... well, sort of."

"Alenko, Williams, let's go meet our fan." Shepard actually smiled as she moved toward the exit ramp. It wasn't the trigger happy excitement Kaidan had seen in so many new recruits. Her fingers weren't itching toward her pistol. Instead, it was the product of a body that thrilled at the thought of motion. Kaidan trusted her judgment, but knew he'd be watching her back twice as hard just the same.

He too turned toward the ramp when the low gravel of a voice boomed from the far end of the room.

"No." Wrex stood, his bulk shadowing the entire doorway as he crossed his arms. "Not this time."

"There a problem, Wrex?" Shepard's voice was ice, all trace of amusement melted in a second.

"Yeah. I'm tired of guarding the cargo hold from space bugs." The large krogan gestured outward. "You didn't hire me for my social skills."

"Alright Wrex. Suit up." Though she was acquiescing, somehow it didn't appear the commander was conceding a point.

"Already there." Wrex became Shepard's shadow as they moved off the bridge, leaving only the commander's parting words, "Williams, keep Joker out of trouble."

* * *

The moment Kaidan stepped off the ship, his ears were assailed by the frantic plea of a sole colonist as he rapidly explained the invasion problem while urging Wrex and Shepard onward toward a man named Fai Dan. The lieutenant was contemplating the nagging feel of something off kilter about the man when the sharp whine of a rifle quickly shut down all thought but combat.

He turned about, but too late. The civilian sank between them, wearing the aimless stare of the dead. Shots from all three crew members took the geth trooper off of his feet, decommissioning it for good. Outside of the small dock, there were more synthetic soldiers, clicking and whirring as they advanced in the path of their overzealous brother. The _Normandy's_ ground team fell back behind the pillars.

"Wrex, Alenko," Shepard's voice hissed into his comm, "Cover me."

Below the staccato bursts of Wrex's rifle, the commander dashed from cover to slide in behind a cargo crate just centimeters from the downed AI. Kaidan leaned out from his pillar, showing only the slim silhouette of a target to the crossfire as he took aim at the closest flashlight-headed creature bearing down on Shepard. It was a clean shot, followed by several more, but the geth continued to roll over the lip of the walkway in larger groups.

Kaidan slid his pistol back into its holster as he grunted in frustration. Shepard remained crouched by the downed geth, fingers leafing through its guts. The lieutenant threw several waves of biotic energy at the advancing geth in an attempt to hold them off. As the machines worked around his efforts, his gaze slid toward the krogan's position as he voiced the words "wide wave" into the comm. The large mercenary nodded, grumbling his agreement.

Together the two men raised their hands, signing their individual mnemonics for the release of a wide roll of blue energy. The air filled with the clatter of metallics as Wrex and Kaidan pushed the horde back away from their commander. Those machines in the front lines crashed backwards into those behind, but some of them still advanced around the fallen.

Abruptly, a sizzle and spark erupted from Shepard's position. Her satisfied voice echoed over the comm as she raised her head to watch the standing geth begin to short out in glorious fashion and topple to the ground like so many titanium dominoes. "And they all fall down."

In the eerie quiet that descended upon the battlefield, Kaidan monitored his combat radar. To his left, behind a pillar, Wrex clicked out the heat sink of his rifle and slammed in another. In the front, Shepard remained behind her low cover. There was slight rustle from her position as she eyeballed the downed geth, pistol drawn.

"All clear, commander." Kaidan exhaled in relief. "Nice hack."

* * *

The nagging feeling Kaidan had experienced earlier began to take clear shape as the team questioned the colonists of Zhu's Hope. There were typical grievances: water shortages, food shortages, and electrical components in disrepair. There was also a point at which all complaints were simply replaced by the words "Ask Fai Dan."

The ground team finally located the man with the answers at the far end of a derelict ship, but there were no answers to be had just yet. As Shepard opened her mouth to respond to the colony leader's welcome, metallic clicks reverberated from the far hall. Quickly at arms, a woman to the Fai Dan's left shouted the alert, "We've got geth in the tower!"

The air soon filled with the loud pops of gunfire as the _Normandy_ team traded rounds with the geth troopers filing down from a long stairwell. Kaidan was almost certain he heard Wrex laugh as the team advanced up the tower, leaving a growing wake of crackling, twitching geth pieces.

The geth seemed to stream out of every corner down ramps and stairways that lacked a great depth of halls and rooms off the main passageway. More than that, the further the team ascended, the less likely the possibility of doorways to the outside became. Constantly assessing the situation, Kaidan began to wonder if the machines had nested somewhere above, waiting for their arrival or... what? He still lacked a more plausible theory as he leaned around a corner, aligning the first sign of movement in his sights as he did so.

"Please, I want to live!" A man in white stood shaking. He was certainly not geth. Kaidan waved him by as he scanned for more hostiles. The presence of colonists in the upper reaches of the tower made the nesting theory unlikely.

As the lieutenant rounded the next corner behind Shepard and Wrex, a swathe of light suddenly streamed in. The top of the tower was simply not there. Where the ceiling should have been, there remained only a crumbling hole... and the belly of a dropship. The loud whine of the ship, previously lost in the firefight, hit Kaidan's ears full force. Rubble began to fall as the geth transport moved away from its dock, adding to the ruckus.

Shepard was the only one not moving away from the tumbling walls. She simply stood staring at the geth ship as though watching an old home vid. Weaving his way through the falling rubble, Kaidan fought to reach her. The top chunk of a weight-bearing pillar crashed down beside the commander, but still she did not move.

Through the crumbling dust, a flash of white hit the lieutenant's peripheral vision. Without enough time to draw his pistol and grab the commander, Kaidan shouted, "Wrex, two o'clock!" then dove below the line of fire, bringing Shepard with him. The shock seemed to wake her from whatever stupor had grasped her and, while Wrex took down the remaining trooper, Kaidan and Shepard crawled down to safety with the krogan not far behind.

* * *

Back at the colony entrance, Shepard remained speechless. She received Fai Dan's thanks with mute civility then moved on into the derelict ship. Wrex and Alenko exchanged a glance that resulted in Kaidan's nomination to speak with their faraway commander. As the lieutenant advanced in, Wrex remained behind, glaring at a salarian salesman in what Kaidan supposed was some odd form of entertainment for the turtle man.

Inside the vessel, Kaidan was regaled by varren stories from an anxious man and warded off by suspicious looks as he poked his head into the room of another man tending his ailing wife. He finally found Shepard sitting on a bed in one of the farthest rooms, alone and looking small as she held her head in her hands. He lingered in the doorway as he announced his presence. "Shepard, we need to talk."

"I know." Her voice was quiet. Her eyes refused to turn up to him.

"What happened in there?" Finally entering the room, Kaidan came over to sit beside her.

"I lost it. I nearly got you both killed." Shepard was still looking down, studying the metal grating of the floor.

"We got you out alright." Kaidan's hand did not know where it wanted to be. It hovered somewhere between the space outlining his commander's back and the far side of his lap.

"That's exactly what I mean. I wasn't all there and I should have been." She finally looked up - looked at him. "You shouldn't have had to save me from being an easy target."

Kaidan's mind began analyzing all that had occurred, pairing it with all he knew of Shepard to find the right set of variables to yield the result he had just witnessed. The running colonist flashed into his mind. Colonist. Mindoir. Akuze. Perhaps seeing another colony on the verge of destruction had been the breaking point. He opened his mouth to speak, but his commander was already continuing her confession.

"The moment I saw that ship, I was somewhere else - someone else... someone proto-human. I was looking up at that same ship with a spear in my hand when the sky turned red. Troopers descended from the sky like angry valkyries and all the world was screaming." Her eyes wandered for a moment, tracing the outlines of the man-made room before returning to her lieutenant's face.

When she spoke again, her voice wavered in defeated remembrance that slowly strengthened into a shade of hopeful determination. "Some days, I've barely got a grasp on the pain of my own memories. To add someone else's, let alone a whole culture's, is just... too much right now. You were right. I'm not fit for combat... yet."

* * *

_Author's note: I was original going to end this chapter after the geth dominoes, but it would have been rather unfinished. On Sinvraal's advice, I added the rest so you can thank her for that (and I'll add just a general thanks to her for her patience and editing skill). As always, thank you also to all my reviewers, especially Cate Lynn, Lawliet's Shinigami, Fortunesque, Tiger Snaps, Zing-Baby, Steph7085, and Ricard who seem to make sure that no chapter goes unreviewed, and also Badpie whose writing factory skills are always an inspiration. We've got a bit more Feros coming up then likely some dalliances, but then... Virmire... dun dun dun._


	18. Cypher, Threesome

In all of his years of training, Kaidan had witnessed women emerging from all manner of strange places. From viewport windows and overhead cooling shafts, he'd seen late night lovers creep back to the safety of their own rooms before morning inspection. Nothing at BAat, however, compared to the sight of an asari woman sliding out from within the root system of a sentient plant. The latter part alone was mind-boggling.

Behind Kaidan, Wrex and nar Rayya stood ready. Their weapons caged the goo-covered commando between the last leg of a dying plant creature and the grim glare of one overworked lieutenant. Kaidan sizzled in an aura of dark energy as the newly-emerged asari woman examined herself in disbelief.

"I'm free! I suppose I should thank you for this." The nameless woman's relief trailed off as she became aware of the three points of threat surrounding her.

"Want to tell me what you were doing in there?" Kaidan's voice was hushed, cold. He had lost count of how many copies of this woman he had killed. This asari was still standing by merit of her lack of chlorophyll pigmentation alone.

"My name is Shiala. I am... was one of Matriarch Benezia's acolytes. When she joined Saren, hoping to sway him from his path, so did I. When she lost her way, I followed. Saren is... very persuasive. He brought me here to communicate with the thorian, sacrificed me in return for its knowledge. I have lived... I have... oh, goddess!" Wracked with consecutive spasms, the asari crumpled to her knees in a grotesque fashion, coming to a jerking halt in her progression downward each time a spasm passed through. There were six in all, each in sync with the pop of a thorian limb-like vine as it fell away, into a large canyon. When the great plant landed, so too did Shiala.

Kaidan too bent toward the ground as he moved to crouch by the twitching woman, driven by an inconsolable need to aid. "Are you alright?"

The asari gasped, her dark eyes as wide as saucers, "My life. Life... has been too long driven by the force of the ancient thorian. My body can not... remember." Her eyes swiveled to lock intensely on Kaidan's as she clenched his upper arm. "Know this so that she may know... Embrace eternity."

The lieutenant found himself drowning in a black pool. He struggled, gasping for air until he broke through the lower surface. Thousands of images whisked by as he floated meditatively upon a grassy hill. The vortex of thoughts and feelings distilled into one cohesive roll before slamming into Kaidan's chest. The lifetime experience of thousands, millions, grew inside him.

When Kaidan became aware of the cold concrete room below Zhu's Hope again, Shiala was laying at his feet, breathing raggedly. "Let me..." was all Kaidan could think to say as he reached a hand out to... do something to help her.

The blue woman sighed, the slack in her features coloring her as serene as her skin tone. "This... is what I deserve."

As Kaidan's hand finally came to rest upon the woman's cheek, life went out of her. The lieutenant looked up at his team, suddenly wishing Liara was among them. There were many dead that they'd left with rites unobserved, but this woman in his hands felt like a comrade. What were the asari rites?

"Should we... bury her?" Kaidan's voice remained soft as he directed his question upward, the cold of earlier completely melted away.

As the lieutenant turned his eyes down to the body once more, it shifted suddenly then rose out of his hands. It wasn't until Shiala's remains were hurtling over the nearby cliff, that he realized it was no mysterious work, but Wrex's hands that had lifted the body. The krogan had thrown the deceased asari unceremoniously over the edge.

A mechanical inhalation behind Wrex signaled the shock Kaidan hadn't yet had time to process. "Wrex!" Tali exclaimed, "What are you doing?"

Never turning to look at the indignant quarian, the krogan grunted, "I made her one with the plant."

It began to click in Kaidan's head. Wrex's toss had been a symbolic way of merging the asari woman back into the greater whole, joining her with the collective life force of the thorian and all other life. Kaidan wasn't sure yet how he knew any of that. His thoughts were ticking by at too fast a clip for him to acknowledge it all.

Then came the pain. Kaidan suddenly found himself staring up into the purple of Tali's visor. Words... her lips were moving. He couldn't hear them.

The lieutenant made a choice then. He would not black out. He would not be carried back to the med bay again nor would he find himself vulnerable on the bed Shepard had so recently vacated. He would stand up under the intense pressure in his head. He would stand up under the pain that was too often his companion.

The work of making it to his feet was more difficult than the decision had accounted for, yet somehow he made it. Words were still not making sense in his ears, but he could feel Wrex's rumble and that was something he could build on. Moving one foot before the other with deep concentration on the floor, Kaidan led his team back to the colony.

* * *

The lieutenant was alone in the comm room, writing the Feros mission report, when he heard Shepard's footsteps. The sound echoed around him like shouts through water, but each step closer became clearer, sharper. By the time his commander was close enough to speak, only the faintest of liquid echoes remained. As Shepard drew up a chair beside him, Kaidan spun to face her, his salute lost somewhere along the way.

"Good work out there." Shepard crossed her hands over the chair arm separating them.

Meeting her gaze, Kaidan found himself forced into a smile, "I think I'm beginning to understand how you feel."

"Oh, do you now?" A playful smile tugged on the commander's lips, causing her lieutenant's heart to run its own physical training routine.

Kaidan knew, oh he knew, his commander had left him a wide open line into something much more pleasant. He wished he didn't. Somewhere below the stranglehold his honor had on his tongue, other parts of him were shouting a far different response than the one he gave. They begged for him to tease his commander with the knowledge of his starring role in her dreams and expand upon it with fabricated detail until she relented, confessing all the reason behind those dreams under the guise of playful banter. His tongue ached to say those words. His ears ached to hear her rebuttal, but his head would not allow it.

Instead of gratifying his senses, Kaidan's mouth merely spoke the words to clarify his original point. "With all these... visions."

Something inside those screaming parts died just a little as his words came across, draining the smile from his commander's face. Despite that feeling or perhaps because of it, Kaidan continued, "I have a message for you... from Shial... the asari woman we contacted, but..." He looked down, flushing slightly. "I have no idea how to get it out of my head."

"I wonder..." Shepard stood and walked out of the room, leaving Kaidan alone to amplify his own misery.

* * *

Kaidan had completed his report by the time Shepard returned. In truth, he hadn't expected her to, but that didn't keep the familiar spark away when he saw her head poke through the comm doorway. Behind the commander, the ship's resident asari trailed in, looking a little more violet than blue.

"Oh no," Liara whispered as her eyes came to rest on the seated form of the lieutenant. Her gaze flickered from Kaidan to Shepard and back several times before she slowly inhaled, resigning herself to whatever she perceived the situation to be.

"I have never tried this before," Liara began. "I have no idea if it will work across two dimensions."

"What's going on?" Kaidan rose from his chair, eyes flickering from T'Soni to Shepard.

"If there is even a chance that it will work, we need to try." Shepard took a slow breath in, seeming to organize her thoughts before offering an explanation. "I need to get into your head, Alenko, and I know only one way to accomplish that though even that may prove futile. Dr. T'soni has agreed to assist us in attempting a dual mind-meld wherein she will act as a conduit between us, opening all three of our minds to the transfer of thought. It is my hope that through her, you and I can connect these prothean puzzle pieces to create something of value - something we can use against Saren. I know that given recent events, I am asking a lot. This is above and beyond the call of duty. Will you try with us?"

It was Kaidan's turn to take in a deep breath as he mulled over all of the implications of Shepard's words. In truth, he didn't like the idea one bit, but it seemed necessary to make something fruitful come of their individual affliction. Steeled by the possibility of easing his commander's burden, the lieutenant nodded. At least Shepard was asking permission to invade his mind.

Holding out a hand to each Kaidan and Shepard, Liara seated herself in the middle of the room. Kaidan hesitated, watching Shepard slip into position and place her hand in Doctor T'soni's. Jealousy and nervous tension warred within him in the few moments before Liara grasped his hand. Her fingers felt cool to the touch, exceptionally smooth. The sensation helped to calm his mind.

As he closed his eyes, Liara's soft voice flooded his ears. "Are you ready, Lieutenant?"

"What are our chances of success here, Liara?" Opening his eyes, Kaidan turned to face the azure blue expression of the asari woman he was about to share an intimate experience with.

Dr. T'soni sighed, "I do not know, precisely. We may succeed, but it may also be possible that my split focus will be insufficient to create any transference at all. I believe that the most likely outcome is that we will pass disjointed messages that are unable to be decoded, resulting in a failure."

"Well, that's reassuring." In a way, it was really almost a comfort to Kaidan. "I'm ready."

"Relax," Liara whispered as she began to guide them. "Try to open your minds to the message of the protheans."

Kaidan's blood chilled as he anticipated the next two words that would slip from Liara's lips. "Embrace eternity."

He was weightless, floating at the end of a cool, blue rope. Somewhere at the other end of this rope, a warm flame of intense beauty burned. The cloud that was Kaidan flowed toward the fire. The fire flickered, weaving in his direction as though blown by a stiff wind. A tendril of cloud-Kaidan reached forward, reaching to touch the flame. It was then that he could see his color - white. He was the wind into the fire.

Contact. Along the slim, watery connector that was Doctor T'soni, bright red visions of chaos flowed from Shepard into her lieutenant. Within Kaidan, the steel grey cypher met each image, analyzed it then returned it to its sender. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours, but eventually all of the tension of the visions evaporated into one single strain of flowing thought.

When the trio broke apart, no one spoke. With dignified grace, Liara stood and left the room. More had passed between them than prothean memories.

"Kaidan, I..." From her seated position, Shepard leaned toward her lieutenant, placing one hand on the ground between them. "I didn't mean to torm... for you to be tormented like that..."

The lieutenant closed his eyes, attempting to sort through the tidal wave of so many feelings. He wanted so much to take her in his arms and... Abruptly, the thought of Jaq, the man Shepard hadn't yet broken away from, materialized. So far away from the comm room for a moment, Kaidan was on the beach again watching the brown-haired man touching Shepard, holding her in his arms, telling her that he loved her... The image was clearer now that the lieutenant had seen it in his commander's mind and the longer it continued, the more embellished it became until it was more than Kaidan could bear.

Adding a few more turns to the rack Kaidan was stretched upon, Shepard continued to try to make sense of the situation. "I didn't know you felt..."

"Well, I guess you do now." Kaidan's face was devoid of expression as something within him locked down. Everything he wanted in that moment was everything that would destroy his life as he knew it. Worse yet, was the thought - the surety - that Shepard wanted it too, but would make no move to ease his pain. When the lieutenant left the room, he tied all of his pain, all of his yearning into a pretty little box and handed it to his love along with his report.

* * *

Kaidan didn't know where to go after he stormed out of the comm room. His head was still buzzing from the flood of information he'd gained and leaked over the course of the day. His mind felt riddled with holes and paranoia hit hard. It seemed as though all around him now knew every last detail about him... how he couldn't step up to the task of initiating a kiss, how he rehearsed the very same thought in his dreams night after night, and just how frustrated he really was.

The cool surface of his favorite console slid under his palm without a thought. He almost enjoyed its feel for that brief nanosecond before a static spark coursed through his fingers. Bringing the quasi-wounded hand up before him, Kaidan flexed his fingers as he stared off across the hall through them.

Liara.

She would be in a similar state, if for entirely different reasons. Kaidan hadn't known the depth of her interest in him and couldn't imagine how it must feel to gain proof without a doubt that your interest was taken up with another. Giving it a second thought, he decided he knew exactly how that would feel.

The lieutenant's feet marched him across the steel-grated crossbars of the ship to the med bay. With only a nod to the good doctor working within, he pushed the door signal and listened to it beep and whir somewhere in the back of his mind. He was off duty now and could well afford some downtime.

"Liara?" He called into the darkness.

The asari cringed when she heard Kaidan call her name; his concerned voice poked at the fresh wounds on her heart. She sighed, knowing that she couldn't turn him away.

"Did you need something, Lieutenant?" Liara questioned. Her cordial tone was contradicted by her plastic smile and puffy eyes. The gravity of what had transpired hung thickly in the air.

"I..." Kaidan began, "I'm sorry. Had I known..." His voice trailed off as he found himself unsure of what to say next. He thought about what he might have done differently had he known that Liara was interested in him.

Nothing.

He wouldn't have done anything different. There wasn't much he could have done differently to begin with; he didn't send Liara any mixed signals that he could recall. Perhaps all he could have done would have been showing much more of an outward interest in Shepard. But the commander wasn't ready for him, and pursuing her earlier would have been a disaster. If he had the chance, would he have tried to save Liara from this pain? Would he have taken it on himself instead?

No.

Yes.

He didn't know; instead of pondering the imponderable, Kaidan wrapped his arms around Liara's shoulders and hugged her as a friend ought to.

There would be time for personal debriefings later.

* * *

_Author's Note: This chapter enhanced by Sinvraal-vision - and now with semi-Happy Ending!  
The last portion of this chapter resulted from something Fortunesque and I were messing with. The first portion is mine, the last (from 'the asari cringed' and on) is hers. Enjoy. :) _


	19. Raining, Storming

The gentle tink tink of rain pattered against the opaque sleeping pod cover as Kaidan slept. Slowly, it became more insistent, calling him from restless dreams into a state of slow-moving awareness. Tink Tink Tink. Rain? It didn't rain inside the _Normandy_.

Kaidan slowly shook his head against the deceptively thin bedding under him. The eerie quiet of the unspoken request that he rise from bed chilled him, compelling him to consider his actions carefully before raising the pod cover. It wasn't the general alarm and it certainly did not feel like it was time for his shift.

Mentally preparing his options, the lieutenant slowly slid open the cover. Grateful that he did not need to seek out a pistol to be ready, he set his eyes on the target-to-be and reached within for the familiar hum of energy. However, there was no muzzle tip awaiting him on the other side, no irate pirate, no grievous systems damage raining down on him. Instead, a small, blue body filled up the visible space.

"Liara? What is it?" Kaidan's voice was rough with disuse as he blinked himself awake, heart pounding. The asari stood just before him, lowering her hand from the place she had been tapping on the pod.

"I am very sorry to disturb you, Lieutenant, but I believe I have have discovered something of importance." Liara whispered, half scientifically thrilled and half uncertain.

Kaidan rubbed his eyes then began the task of pushing back the spikes of hair that had stuck to his forehead and neck. The lingering images of his frantic dream faded as the cool air of the ship began dissipating the sweat of his unconscious exertion. Finally awake enough to be presentable, he stepped down onto the deck. A few last trailing fingers rubbed the bridge of his nose across his cheek as his body began, at last, to realize there was no emergency here.

"Alright, what is it and why didn't you tell Shepard?" Caught somewhere between nervously awake and the return of fatigue, the lieutenant touched Liara's shoulder, gesturing that she should follow as he headed toward the mess hall.

Dr. T'soni remained quiet for the short trip, seeming to hold a breath that she released only when the pair entered the sparsely populated mess hall. Patiently, she observed the few insomniacs sipping cups of make-believe coffee. In the middle of the late shift it was uncommon to find much of anyone not on duty or sleeping away the day's work. However, bolt-out-of-a-sound-sleep-silently-screaming dreams did often come standard with the uniform.

Kaidan worked up a cup of the blandest coffee known to man before tucking himself away at a corner table. He waited for the asari doctor to continue for a moment before gesturing for her to take a seat. "So?"

"Lieutenant, this is hardly a suitable place..." Liara seemed reluctant to even sit, but eventually did so.

"Whatever it is, the commander will need to know anyway. Besides, acting like that will draw rumors. Just smile and pretend you're talking about astral phenomena." With coffee in hand, Kaidan began to feel like a whole person again.

"It is just... I am not sure about the validity of my... notion. I would prefer it if you could confirm my theory before I sent the commander on a... wild goose hunt." Liara fiddled with her fingers, clasping and unclasping them. Funny, Kaidan hadn't realized other species had such similar nervous habits until now, but then what were opposable thumbs for?

"Chase. Goose chase. You know there are many others aboard the ship... on duty at this moment who could assist you." Kaidan sighed as he read the look in his companion's eyes. "How can I help?"

Liara's entire face seemed to brighten if only for a moment before the sheen of self-doubt closed her off. "I have been attempting to sort the images of the visions for concepts of great importance to the protheans - locations, people. I believe I have found something. I believe that central focus of these visions is one final location, but there are other... unknowns."

"Such as?" Kaidan began to eye his coffee cup as the liquid within dwindled.

"Well, I am quite familiar with the images that would pertain strongly to Shepard and have been able to sort them out. Other images, I am unsure of. They might either be something to study further or... your memories."

"Oh." The lieutenant's head came up in white shock as his cup clinked to the table more forcefully than he'd intended. The coffee could wait. "What are the... what do you see?"

Dr. T'soni looked off to the side as she began accessing her memories. Her voice grew softer. "There is a long stretch of beach, tapered fronds hang down..."

Quickly, Kaidan cut her off. "File that under memory. Anything else?" She didn't need to be tormented with that vision.

"No... I do not think so. With that clear, I ca discern the final location though I do not know where it is... yet." Liara looked up into the eyes of the man across from her. Neither broke the gaze as they pondered the implications breaking the puzzle could hold.

* * *

"Alenko. Just the man I was hoping to see." Shepard seemed to have been laying in wait for the lieutenant. She cornered him just as he emerged from the sleeping area for duty.

"Ma'am?" Kaidan blinked. He could see his console station from where he stood and yearned to get to it, or anywhere else really so long as he could escape the conversation with his commander he knew would come.

"We're heading to the Farinata System to locate a friend of yours - Chairman Burns. It seems he was kidnapped by some very... disappointed L2 constituents after the reparations vote." The commander eyed her lieutenant as she spoke, on alert for the subtleties his reaction.

"You want me to appeal to the sense of compassion of a desperate group of biotics... as a fellow L2... on behalf of a man who considers total limb paralysis and constant auditory hallucinations a minor inconvenience? Sure-Aye aye, ma'am." Though Kaidan managed to keep his voice level, he didn't like the idea in the slightest. Memories of those he'd trained with, friends who had been broken by the implant that was meant to make them functional, swam under the mocking gaze of a larger-than-life Chairman Burns.

In truth, Kaidan had never met the man. Burns was only as real to him as a face on the news vids and a signed signature on too many denied requests for aid. Even the signature appeared to be laughing as the letter it accompanied sat primly in the box of items belonging to a particular friend, Diana, the day they moved her to the psychiatric ward. Kaidan had never seen her again, but had brought her back to life for him briefly when he'd told an injured Shepard the girl's story.

He had to believe that if there had been more medical funding from the start, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Now, reparations after the fact was all any L2 or their family could hope for. As yet, those requests too had been denied. The small, twisted smile dancing on Shepard's lips grated at his nerves while his thoughts grew deeper. Then, slowly, he began to see the foundation of his commander's smirk. For a man such as Burns to be rescued by an L2... It just might result in some of the quickest reparations in the history of Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies.

"We will be boarding their ship at 0900. Be ready." The hint of a smile still remained on the commander's lips as she dismissed her lieutenant.

"Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

As the comm room door of the _Ontario_ slid open before Shepard, Alenko, and Vakarian, Kaidan tried very very hard not to delight in the sight of Chairman Burns on his knees. The trio entered, weapons drawn and stood at the ready.

A balding man holding a pistol to Burns' head spit daggers in the form of words toward Shepard. "See how it is? You write letters and everyone ignores you, but get the chairman to pay you a little visit and they send in the cavalry. So... how bout I kill Chairman Burns and finish this charade."

"How about we continue it for just a little while longer?" Shepard drew a bead on the apparent leader of the little group. Kaidan could almost see the calculations - just three potential hostiles in the room with three soldiers. It was good odds for everyone except Burns. The commander slowly began to stand down, entering negotiation mode while Garrus and Kaidan kept their weapons trained on the unstable L2s.

"Please, I was trying to help you people!" With his hands crossed over his head, Burns sobbed for his life.

Kaidan cringed. Nothing good ever came of the words 'you people'. Burns was not helping his case.

"Let's just talk about this for a moment. The chairman can be helpful to your cause in other ways..." Shepard's voice held a similar tone to the one she'd taken with Talitha, the Mindoir survivor, but to Kaidan's ears it was lacking. She didn't have the background to relate to these men and they were beginning to notice that she sounded a lot like every polite receptionist and waffling politician who told them to be patient, that their needs would be considered in time.

"He had his chance. He voted time and again against reparations. Some L2s are nearly crippled from side effects of the implants." The bald man's gun stayed steady against the back of the chairman's head.

The hostile to the left of the leader leaned in for a few words as he eyed the tearful chairman. "Maybe she's right. He can't talk if he's dead, but he'd send a bigger message if we cripple him."

To the right, the female group member moved her aim from Vakarian to Burns. "That sounds good to me - to the pain!"

"Please, I had no idea things were so bad for you, " Burns cried pathetically.

"Then you weren't doing your job!" The leader growled.

Garrus eyed the opening granted to him by the female member, but didn't take it - yet. This negotiation was going downhill quickly. Shepard opened her mouth to speak again, but Kaidan simply couldn't chance the words that might come out of her mouth any longer. "Wait! Don't you think there's enough against us already?"

"What do you mean?" The man in charge seemed staggered by Kaidan's choice to lower his pistol and advance on his own. For a moment his guard wavered as he recognized a fellow sufferer on the other side of the stand-off.

"You know what I mean - the convenient placement of your record always at the bottom of the pile, the lessened pay for 'increased medical risk', the stares on the street where you live, the... people who are never home when you're around... " Kaidan trailed off as he tried to stay afloat of his memories.

When he spoke again his voice was harsh, dedicated. "I've seen the same things you have, but how much more open do you think the threats will be when these closed-minded people have proof on vid that L2's are violent? What do you think they will do the first time an L2 twitches in a way that looks threatening? Where will the reparations be for his family when he's gone or your families when no one will hire you?"

The voice that responded came from the man on the left with mocking disdain. "So what, you're an oracle now? Didn't know training covered that one. What makes you so high and mighty? What makes you think you can walk in here, pull your soldier-boy guns on us and tell us not to be violent? We have every right to be violent." Swinging away from Burns, he drew his pistol on Kaidan. Quickly and quietly, Shepard took the opportunity to line the man up in her sights.

"It's the only thing they'll understand." This time the voice was from the right and softer in tone, as though she were patiently chiding a child.

It was more than Kaidan had thought he'd had in him, so much repressed anger that had built under the surface for so many years... with every remark, every sidelong glance, every slight. His words were a fire that he pushed toward the balding man with the gun. "They don't see me as violent. They believe that I protect them. How will they see you?"

The pistol wavered in the leader's hands. The man had been quiet since Kaidan had mentioned the long-term effects his actions might have on his family. "You're right, man. I don't want to die. I just want what's right."

"No!" The angry man from the left hastily pointed his gun at Burns once more, eager to fire. One shot, Shepard's, echoed through the small room. With a face white in shock and hand just about reaching his wound, the bloodthirsty L2 crumpled to the ground.

All eyes turned to the third member of the hostage-taking party. "But... what will.. what will happen to us now?" Her voice stammered along as her weapon-bearing arm slumped to her side. In a few steps, Garrus relieved her of her pistol as Kaidan did the same for the leader.

Once he noted all of his captors were weaponless, the chairman rose from his knees and began brushing off his pant legs. "Why this lovely officer here will arrest you, of course."

The whir of a pistol powering to ready slipped through the air, but only in Kaidan's mind. As he holstered his own weapon, he envisioned pulling Burns to do what was right like a puppet dancing at the end of a muzzle. He was still glaring at Burns when he tucked away the repossessed pistol with much more force than was necessary.

Burns seemed to lose his nerve, his assuredness that he was safe with the rescuers he had yet to even thank. "... and ah... I'll see to it that your reparation requests are accepted first thing in the morning. It will be some time before the committee will approve funding, of course and a general reparations bill will have to go through hearings and a full approval..."

With an exasperated sigh, Kaidan took his eyes from Burns and awaited Shepard's orders. He knew, just as well the other L2s in the room, that none of the chairman's promises would be filled. Nothing would change, not even with the mighty power of Spectre Shepard. To his side, Garrus made a show of very slowly packing up his rifle. He too was quite familiar with the workings of politics.

"Vakarian, why don't you radio for Fifth Fleet to come in for a pick-up and escort the chairman to meet them?" Shepard's voice marked the coldest version of politeness Kaidan had ever heard.

"Aye aye, Commander. Chairman Burns, after you." The chairman looked twice at the turian before preceding him out into the hall. There was a long delay before the lieutenant heard the comms click on for pick-up.

Shepard and Kaidan waited quietly for a time. The two would-be murderers squirmed as they envisioned the sentencing to come. The lieutenant too, rested uneasy in the tense silence, because he could feel Shepard's eyes on him at all times. It was as though she were studying him, ready to document his actions for some sort of strange journal. Eventually, Kaidan couldn't take it any longer and began speaking to his fellow biotics on how they had been doing and what they could be doing. In the end, no one was arrested.

* * *

Kaidan was jogging circles in the cargo hold of the ship when Shepard found him next. She simply sat on a supply crate, watching him until he tired himself out. Realizing he couldn't escape this conversation, Kaidan stopped running. In an effort to stop panting before he spoke to her, he grabbed a towel and took his time walking over to Shepard.

She had the nerve to smile at him before speaking. "Alenko... I've never seen you angry before, have I?"

It didn't matter what she said, Kaidan's reply would have been the same. "Why? Why would you send me in there?" His voice was still somewhat breathless, but it didn't hold the anger it might have been a few laps ago - the anger that seemed to amuse his commander. Instead, it was quietly accusatory.

"I thought it might help you release your frustration, get your mind on the task at hand." Looking up, Shepard's voice softened, "Kaidan, I made a m... I underestimated the situation. I didn't know what it was like for you living with... more than the migraines."

There was so much the commander did not know, so much that resulted in her lieutenant's repeatedly-inflicted pain. Leaning down to meet her eyes, Kaidan placed into his next statement every ounce of effort it had cost him to manage the twin tasks of blockading his emotions and acting with expediency. "Shepard... when have I ever not done my job?"

Lieutenant and Commander, man and woman, stared at each other for a long moment in the darkness of the hold. Moments away from touching, each could feel the other's heat on their skin. A bead of sweat dripped from Kaidan's forehead to the ground between Shepard's feet with a silent plop. The click of Ash setting aside another finely-cleaned weapon echoed across the steel beams of the lower ship. The gentle hum of the Mako undergoing yet another of Garrus' test procedures vibrated through the motionless air.

"I hear Liara found a location in the beacon." Shepard's voice was nervous, unsure as it cut through the tension.

"Not quite yet." Kaidan's voice was hardly more than a whisper.

Joker's voice was like a snore into the quiet. "Ah, Commander? Admiral Hackett just patched us through a distress signal. It's pretty shaky, but there's definitely something about geth."

"What's the origin of the signal?" Shepard looked up as though she could see the pilot while she answered.

"Virmire."


	20. Heroics, Sunsets

The shores of Virmire were beautiful, tropical, and full of geth. As Shepard steered the Mako through the watery, pod crab-laden roadway, Alenko monitored the bouncing red and orange dots that were armatures, troopers, and drones. There seemed to be no end to the shots fired as the small advance team cleared the way for the _Normandy's_ landing.

The lieutenant's voice rose and fell with each partially-submerged rock they scaled as he called out shots to Williams behind him. "Armature - six o'clock, two drones at three and five."

"Big boy in my sights now, LT. Firing. Yeah! Not so big now with no legs, are you?" As the chief wheeled the cannon around to cover the drones, the Mako shook with impact. "Oh no you don't, you flying monkey..."

An artificial rain pattered down atop the roof of the armored vehicle as Shepard sliced to the right, spinning up a wave of turquoise water as she tried to outmaneuver the drone shots. Through a clenched jaw, the commander called to her lieutenant, "Damage report!"

"Shields at 50..."

Another cannon blast ripped through the turbulent air. In its wake, Williams scanned the area, seeking further prey.

"Armor integrity 73." In the abrupt, ringing silence following the last shot, Kaidan's voice suddenly seemed too loud.

Ash's voice, however, was too quiet, almost disappointed as she read no further hostiles on the scanner. "Negative contacts, Commander."

Soon after, tents, salarians, and a large alien craft came into view. "Must be the salarian base," Shepard thought aloud as she raised Joker on the comm. "How's it look, _Normandy_?"

"No geth in your vicinity, just three salarian squads. That thin strip of non-responsive AA guns looks inviting. Nice of you to roll out the red carpet for us, Commander." As Joker responded, a mental image of the pilot aiming the stealth ship like a bar room dart intruded upon Kaidan's thoughts. It was not a pleasant vision.

"Happy to be of service. Find a clear place to land, but be ready for a full burn. Depending on the kind of trouble these salarians are in, we might need air support." Despite the minor joke, Shepard never smiled. She simply parked the Mako under the nearest cover and stepped out into the watery passageway.

As he exited behind Chief Williams, Kaidan wondered if, like him, Shepard's heart was still pounding from the recent skirmish. Crushing the errant thought, he turned his attention to a more serious concern. Ash, trudging up the waterway before him, hadn't said a word since the last geth went down. Still flushed from the last battle, her jaw bore a grim determination of someone about to do something heroically stupid.

They were getting closer to Saren now with every step towards the beach, towards his base. It was possible that chief's vendetta was about to be every bit as perilous as Kaidan's inconvenient non-romance. Williams was hardly one for control.

* * *

Captain Kirrahe of the salarian Special Task Group was not pleased to see them. "You're all the reinforcements the council sent!?"

Last of the team to arrive, Shepard was the first to address the captain. "Your message wasn't clear. We were sent here to investigate..."

"That is a repetition of our task. I've lost half my men investigating the breeding facility." Kirrahe paced as frustration washed through him.

The stiffness Shepard exhibited as the salarian cut her off drained out under the shock of one word. "Breeding?"

"Yes, yes. Weren't you brief-oh that's right. As if the geth weren't bad enough, Saren's been building a contingent army of krogan." Kirrahe seemed to consider further explanation as he was cast in a large, rounded, curious shadow.

"How is that possible?" Wrex ceased his advance just before the salarian captain fell within grabbing distance and tipped his head inquisitively.

Kirrahe sighed, his large, wet eyes sliding to Shepard before he dared continue with his news. "Apparently, he's discovered a cure for the genophage."

"What!?" Wrex thundered. "If there's a cure, why are we still standing here? Let's bash some heads until they hand it over." The energy spilling from the krogan burned like a steam bath on Kaidan's skin as he stood beside him.

"Wrex," Shepard started carefully, "If Saren is able to amass this army, none of us will be alive to reap any benefits from the cure."

"Exactly my thoughts, Commander. If that cure leaves this planet, the krogan will become unstoppable. We can't make the same mistake again." Whether he meant to or not, Kirrahe laid his prejudices on the table with his fears. It did not go unnoticed.

Wrex lumbered forward, finger jabbing in the salarian's direction as he leaned in to growl, "We are Not a mistake!" Just as quickly as his anger rose, the angry mercenary retreated. Behind him, the team released a collective breath in stunned amazement that a finger was all the krogan had pointed at the captain.

"Is he going to be a problem?" In an oddly krogan-like gesture, Kirrahe tipped his head to the side, peering at Shepard through one wide eye as he spoke while the other watched Wrex leave.

From his place at attention flanking the commander, Kaidan could see a variety of impudent responses roll across her features before she settled on a very bland, "He'll be fine. I'll talk to him."

"Very well, we'll reconvene here after my men and I have reassessed the best plan of action with our current... assets."

As Kirrahe retreated, Shepard held up a hand for the silence of her anxious crew though it was unnecessary. "Williams, Alenko, find out what you can from our salarian friends and prepare as needed." She took a moment to rub the area between her eyes with the side of a finger. To Kaidan, her eyes seemed to say 'I don't need this', but she simply turned and walked after Wrex.

The chief and lieutenant exchanged a long glance in a strange mental stand-off. Finally, Williams broke the silence with a simple and direct, "I'm going after her." Kaidan couldn't argue.

* * *

When Shepard returned with Ash in tow, Kaidan was ready.

The beautiful eyes that had grown more weary by the day looked up at him. "I assume they have a plan?"

Kaidan shifted, not liking the plan he was about to relay. "Yes, ma'am. We've converted their drive system into a twenty kiloton ordinance..."

Williams didn't attempt to hide her admiration. "Nice! Drop that baby from orbit and that turian pigeon can kiss his tail feathers goodbye."

Shepard, however, wasn't ready to celebrate just yet. Her wary eyes continued to monitor her lieutenant "What's the hitch?"

"Saren's station is more fortified than an Eletanian cockroach. We need to bring it down by the foundation. The best location is on the far side of the facility." Blueprints and details flowed again in Kaidan's vision as he tried to fit it all into words.

Tactics ticked by in Shepard's eyes as though a console screen scrolled before her. "The Normandy could bring it in, but there will be resistance - ground forces, AA guns..."

Kaidan's voice fell. This was where it began to get muddy. "If Captain Kirrahe splits his team across the front, we will be able to sneak in the back."

"That would work, but..." Shepard's head came up quickly, "They'll be slaughtered."

Coming up from behind Kaidan, Kirrahe saved the lieutenant further explanation. "We're tougher than we look commander, but it's true. I don't expect many of us to make it out. That makes what I'm about to ask even more difficult."

There was silence as the gravity of the situation fell like a dark mantle upon all of their shoulders. Slowly, Kirrahe continued. "Most of my officers have been picked off by the geth - or worse. Only I and Rentola remain. I need one of your men to coordinate our third strike team."

The commander blinked slowly, "We are already shorthanded..."

"I'll go, Skipper. We need all teams at their best for this mission to have a chance." Ash seemed resigned - and excited. It was a curious mix that Kaidan's nerves singing in warning.

"Just a minute, Chief..." He hadn't known exactly what he was going to say before it began streaming out, but there had to be something...

"You know I'm right, L.T. I couldn't arm a nuke - not without exploding it in our faces anyway - but I can give these geth a grand ole 212 welcome." The chief's weapon was secured away and not cocked and ready, but the impression of that dangerous click was there.

Kirrahe broke in coldly before the true bickering could begin. "Either of these two will do, Commander."

"Williams, accompany the third salarian strike team." Shepard waited a moment until Ash's initial excitement had passed then caught her eye with a hard gaze. "Do us proud."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

The salarian teams, Ash included, pulled in to strategize their points of entry, leaving Shepard and Alenko to return to the Normandy one man short - or two, actually.

As they walked away, Kaidan began, "Where's Wr-"

"Itching to move." Anticipating his question, the commander was already on top of it. "I sent him back to gather a small team to investigate this cure."

"Commander, are you sure that's wise? We're already so spread out." Concern deeper than duty etched the lieutenant's features.

"We'll move quieter in smaller teams and we can cover more ground." Just outside the ship, Shepard slowed, turning to her lieutenant. "If there's anything good that can come from this mess, I don't want to miss it." Her eyes narrowed. "And the next time someone decides to assault my slice of galactic space, I want to be prepared with whatever forces we have."

Trying desperately to battle the thought that something deep inside the commander had finally snapped, Kaidan landed upon the obvious question. "How will you divide the teams?"

"Wrex will be taking nar Rayya and Vakarian down into the facility before us." Shepard hesitated. She didn't need to explain herself to her lieutenant, but on the eve of this battle, she seemed to take solace in talking out the well-placed plans that would never again be so perfect. "I trust Garrus to keep Wrex in check and Tali protected. If there's anything there at all, Tali will know how to preserve it just as well as Wrex will know how to find it. She won't try to study it in the midst of battle... Liara will be coming with you and I. If any of us should fall... the others should have the brains to make damn sure that bomb goes off."

Kaidan watched the cold metal of the hull press against the tense shoulders of his commander. As Shepard's words died out, Kirrahe's echoed in the lieutenant's ears: _I don't expect any of us to make it out_. Slowly, very carefully, Kaidan placed one hand on the hull just over his commander's shoulder, leaning in as his fingertips began to bear the pressure of his weight.

"Before things get really crazy, Shepard, I want you to know..." Know what? How it was always her? How the path that had brought them together would continue to stumble his attempts at just being human with her... even if they both survived it?

Kaidan pulled his hand away as he turned his face to Virmire's setting sun. The amber colors that danced across his face seemed to grant him an odd sort of strength. "Don't you think about falling, Shepard. Don't you dare. You're the super-adhesive that's holding me together."

From the corner of his eye, Kaidan noticed the commander's hand reaching up toward him. It was just a faint gesture with little chance of hitting its destination, but he took it too much to heart. The last ounce of duty in him that day turned him on his heel before he did something he'd never regret.


	21. Freedom, Insanity

Neither the commander nor the lieutenant were sleeping as dawn rose above the tainted paradise that was Virmire. Inside the _Normandy_, the payload was secure; Pressly had the deck and Joker had begun the liftoff sequence. Outside, a stern Shepard surveyed her seven finest crew members, Williams included.

Pacing a long line, the commander began her speech in cadence with the echoes of the salarian captain's words across the field._  
You all know the mission and what is at stake._

"You've all come here for different reasons. You each see this mission with different eyes..." For a moment, Shepard stopped pacing. Her determined eyes met Ashley, Tali, and Wrex's in turn, punctuating each of the last three words with a pause. "a chance for vengeance... redemption... salvation."

The gleam in Ash's eyes seemed to turn razor sharp in return. Tali stood just a little prouder and Wrex looked as though he was ready to bulldoze an entire army with his will alone.

The commander's eyes softened when they fell on Kaidan. Memories seemed to steep her voice in quiet reverence. "Those lost on Eden Prime can't remember us for what we are about to do."

_We would be legends, but the records are sealed._

The lieutenant bowed his head quietly as Shepard began pacing once more. "Those living the colonies now won't remember us beyond tonight's news vid."

_Think of our heroes..._

By the time the Commander had reached Garrus, her voice was again thick with cold tenacity. "We'll bear these scars anyway so they can go on living -" The turian nodded his firm agreement. Shepard continued on. "whether it's safe in their beds or safe in our memory."

_But they are not all that we are._

Taking a step back, the commander stood before her crew. As the anger of so many wasted lives rose within her, her gestures turned harsh, accenting each word with absolute resolution. "We fight today to free all of our people from those who would destroy entire colonies..."

For a moment, the softness returned as Shepard's eyes touched upon Liara's. Her voice was quiet, steady, maternal. "Because we got in their way. Before soldiers there were mothers..." The small asari looked up to her commander with wide, resolute eyes.

Shepard continued. "On Feros, Saren brought his geth down upon Zhu's Hope." There was a pause on both sides of the field as each leader added punch to their simple point.

_We held the line._

"We set them free. On Noveria, he bred a new army of rachni."

_We held the line._

"We set them free." Shepard's broad gaze again swept across her crew, silently asking each of them more than she had before - maybe all. Today he again seeks to grow both his army and his thralls."

A wave of tension rushed across the field as each commanding officer brought everything they were asking to a single, powerful point. Shepard lifted her chin as her hand came up before her.

_In the battle today -_

"For the 212, for free krogan children..."

_We will Hold the Line!_

The commander held her final words until the wake of celebration across the field had passed. Her words, when they came, held all the cold edge of a deep space glacier.

"Let's kill the bastard."

A collective yell arose from the line of crewmen. It was part "Hooyah!", part "Yeah!, Hell Yeah!" and part wordless grunt, but all battle cry.

* * *

As a geth rocket whirred over his head, Kaidan found he dearly missed the Williams' rifle, Wrex's shotgun, and Garrus' precision shots. The three pistols wielded by Shepard, Liara, and himself simply did not have the punch needed to fell the geth rocket trooper before it had fired several explosive shots.

The team had begun their assault using a variety of biotic tactics and AI hacks, but wave upon wave of geth soldiers had worn Kaidan to the bitter edge of his ability, forcing him to rely on his sidearm. Shepard's omni-tool was faring even worse than the lieutenant's over-worked amp after a low dive out of the line of fire slammed it into into the hard concrete of the facility floor.

Despite the dozens of crackling, twitching, fallen corpses, the geth seemed as refreshed as they day they were born - or made. At present, three shiny, new rocket troopers and an array of crisp drones had the team pinned behind several cells in what looked to be a medical lab. Two rows of sleeping pod-like holding tubes lined the walls to the East and West, providing cover for T'soni and Alenko. Between them, their commander crouched behind a low, metallic counter.

"Cryo fire in the hole!" Shepard's voice over the comm was strained as she briefly ducked out of cover to hurl a primed grenade at the rocket trooper before them. Kaidan and Liara pulled further behind their respective shields of opportunity, but there was nothing that would fully keep the cold from seeping into their suits as it burst across the room.

The expected explosion was followed by a series of eerie cracks rather than usual silent ringing. Shivering behind an empty holding tube, Kaidan could see a round beam of light fracture into a prism of shadowy shards, radiating outward along the tube's reflective cover as a trooper's eye went dead. In a fair semblance of panic, the second synthetic beast quickly rotated its neck, severing several over-stressed cords in the process with a final crack.

With the sudden absence of two minds from their collective consciousness, the drones hovered aimlessly for a moment, firing at random. Seizing the moment, Liara aimed a wave of charged gravity at the closest drone. Like some sort of bizarre game, it crashed backward into the remaining two, sending them flying in opposite directions.

"Pull," Shepard chuckled to herself as she aimed her pistol at the flying discs. Her shots were echoed by Kaidan's as he fired upon the remaining trooper.

By the time the final drone fell, Kaidan's pistol was hot in his hand. The last geth stood, raining showers of sparks from multiple damage points, but it wasn't enough. The long, cylindrical head craned toward Shepard as his rifle began to glow with power. Later, he'd wonder where Liara's cover fire was. Later, he'd wonder why Shepard had left herself exposed, but for now no thought but action filled Kaidan's head.

He slammed into the trooper at full force, driving his shoulder into its synthetic chest as though the hardened creature was no more than a wooden door and he, no more than a old school cop. Metal and man toppled over in a clamorous mess of oil and blood. Sparks were everywhere - dancing on Kaidan's skin, spinning tales of a fuzzy, new reality behind his eyes.

Somewhere, there was an explosion. Somehow, the lieutenant staggered to his feet while the geth didn't. For a brief cloudy moment, Kaidan wondered about the dead weight he felt where his left arm normally was. Screaming agony came to answer him all too soon, but the pain, the pain was good. Through the pain, he could move his fingers. Through the pain, he could place his arm in position. Through the pain, he could plunge his shoulder back into its proper place.

"Garrhh..Ah!" Or maybe he couldn't.

Eyes like distant crystalline lakes danced within his vision. A beautiful voice asked, "Are you ready?"

The angel didn't wait for a reply before sliding the hot knife of agony into his shoulder. Kaidan coughed a few times as the racing pain returned to normal levels. There was even comfort in places... pleasure.

He opened the eyes he didn't remember closing to find Shepard still peering at him. Her hands still rested upon his body - one clasped around his arm, the other braced against his chest. His angel hadn't left him yet.

As was inevitable, the whole of the situation came flooding back in - the fall of the geth, the mission, the poor cov...

"Liara?" As the single word escaped Kaidan's lips, Shepard's eyes flickered with unknown emotion.

"Here, Lieutenant." The asari woman brought her somewhat less blue form into view as the blood dripping from her head fins washed her face in shades of red.

"Son of a..." Kaidan murmured as he reached for his med kit.

* * *

As the _Normandy_ team licked their wounds and prepared to move onward, a half-crazed salarian voice called across the grates and tubes of the lab like a mirror illusion of itself. "Who-who's out there?"

An examination of the end of the room beyond the fallen troopers revealed a series of holding cells, broad rooms with transparent doors and a single conscious occupant.

That occupant, the owner of the beckoning voice, was no less frantic and hardly any more delighted to see his visitors than Kirrahe had been. "What do you want-I told you everything! Wait, no. You are Alliance - Ha! I knew someone would come. Tried to break me. Tried, but they couldn't. I shut it out!"

Shepard raised a cautious palm. "Slow down, I need to know where you came from - why you're here."

"Private Menos Avot of the 3rd Infiltration Regiment, STG, Ma'am! Captured while on reconnaissance six days ago. Glad to answer, Ma'am! Never and questions from these bastards - just whispers and poking and cutting. I'd say anything to get out and get some payback. That's not too much to ask is it? A little payback?" The poor private was all jitters. Each fiber of him seemed to strain for immediate release as he babbled answers.

Both of Shepard's hands were up in the air at this point. Behind them the commander raised a single brow, cocking her head toward this creature as she attempted to decipher the oddity before her. "Calm down. We need to-"

"Please, I need to get out. This room is too small and it keeps talking. Out! I _need_ to get out! I need to do what it says. I have to. Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!!!" Before Shepard could utter another word, the salarian was charging full tilt toward the cell door. His final dash for freedom ended in a dull thonk and dim splatter, but somehow... he seemed to be at peace as the whispers finally found a place to leak out.

There was a moment's pause as the crew considered the situation. It was Shepard who first opened her mouth to break the silence, but it was her comm that actually did so as it crackled to life with Garrus' voice.

"Commander, we're taking heavy fire. Tali, watch your twel- look out! Wrex - wait! Dextromit, That's- " The turian's metallic voice broke off as a large explosion washed over the comm frequency in varying degrees of static.

When the voice returned, it bore a much darker sound. "Negative contacts, Commander. Wrex is down, but stable. Returning him to _Normandy_ for further treatment."

A hard expression shadowed Shepard's face as she took in what news there was to have from the transmission fragments. "Understood. What is your status, Garrus?"

The turian's answer was accompanied by a grunt as he, presumably, began to undertake the task of making the incapacitated krogan mobile. "Flesh wounds only. Tal- nar Rayya also has no threatening injuries. May-urgh-may have achieved our objective before the battle-master surprised us. Will know for sure once decoded."

Another pause fell as a series of shifting sounds were heard then Vakarian's voice came again in much clearer tones. "Commander, there's something you should know. We spoke with a woman - Thanoptis - who was leading a particular area of research on this facility. It seems Saren's ship has a sort of indoctrination property. Those who remain in its presence too long experience.. persuasive whispers, too strong to resist. Their habits change to match the will of the ship - or so I am told."

Shepard's eye fixed on Liara as she bent to address the comm. It was as though the two were sharing a thought or rather, a memory. "That actually makes a lot of sense at the moment. Carry on, Vakarian."

Garrus seemed almost to grateful to offer a last few words to the signal. "Vakarian out."

Shepard moved to address Kaidan and Liara when the comms came to life again.

"Commander, there's more." Tali's voice rang this time, breathless as she rushed along. "I had a quick look at a room behind this lab. There may be another beacon."

_Could there be good news in all of this? _Shepard shook her head slowly as she clicked several glowing keys of her omni-tool. "I have your position. We will proceed there."

At last there was silence in the echoing chamber of lab tubes, silence enough for a breath at least though not for Shepard.

Her voice was a stern mask that leaked into her eyes, leaving little room for any thought but the mission. "The lab location is one hall down and one floor up from our current position. It is also along the only passage to the drop site from here. We look, but we make it brief. If for some reason, the beacon... If there is a repeat event then I expect you two to continue to the drop site without me. Is that understood?"

"Aye aye, Commander." Kaidan nodded reluctantly.

"Yes, Commander," Liara added in sync with the lieutenant's reply.

"Alright then. Let's finish this thing."

The crew marched down a hall of tempered metal grating. To Kaidan, it seemed footsteps should have alerted every geth within two klicks, but none came. The thought occurred to him that perhaps the bomb's proximity had somehow scattered away them like ants from a sonic pest repellent. Silently, he shifted his grip on his pistol. His crew did not have a habit of attracting such luck.


	22. Vanguard, Destruction

For Kaidan, watching Shepard walk into the unearthly glow surrounding beacon was like watching a swirling flame devour a curious and dearly beloved moth. Echoes of silent energy radiated off of the cavernous metal walls of the communications tower. His skin crawled with its presence as he stood waiting. He wanted to reach out for Shepard and erase the burden of this mission by ignoring it out of existence. He wanted to shout _No!,_ make her his instead of the galaxy's. Instead, he just stood there and watched her fly away.

The team had encountered far less resistance en route to this beacon than the lieutenant had expected. Every shadow had seemed like an assassin. Every corner was a loaded gun. Every bend of the stairwell was an opportunity to be caught off guard just long enough for endless sleep to slice into him. The long hall of sleeping krogan babies, floating in tubes of green gel had not helped to tone down his survival paranoia.

With a soft thud, Shepard's feet touched the ground again. Her eyes were open and alert as she gazed across the room, as though seeing something entirely different from what was actually present there. There was a danger lurking in those eyes, something predatory, animalistic, committed. It gave her entire body the impression of wrought steel. Slivers of blue crossed onto the commander's hardened arm as Liara very carefully laid a hand upon her commander.

"Shepard, What did you see?" Her soft voice came hollow as though across a great distance. It was only when the asari's eyes began to glaze over that Kaidan realized she wasn't waiting for the commander's answer, but was instead, taking it.

The two women stood in silence as one slipped inside the other. They were like frozen statues, daring Kaidan to tear them apart. Every fiber of his being burned to pull Liara away, but he didn't know just what that would do. The small fraction of his brain that was always analyzing from afar realized that like Shepard before him, all that he didn't know was likely hurting her.

His hand reached for Liara, but another was quicker. Shepard's arm thrust out across space, pinning the slight asari against a walkway rail. Her voice was the low rumble of incoming thunder as she glared down into wide blue eyes. "Never. Without my permission."

A waterfall of stumbling words flowed from Liara's mouth as the Shepard storm loomed near. "I was just... but I... I could... I needed... " At last she hung her head in flustered frustration.

It was painful to watch. To the side of this confrontation, Kaidan struggled with his own words to make sense of the situation, but none came. Shepard's next sentence stopped all thought progress dead.

"I understand, Liara." Gently, the commander released her blue crew mate and stood back. "But no matter how much of this Prothean mind trip is in me, I am still _not_ an artifact to study."

Receiving no answer as Liara recovered herself, Shepard sighed and gestured the team onward. Two footsteps across the metal grating later, all progress was halted by a single, soft sound.

"Ilos."

"Ilos?" Shepard queried.

Liara nodded. "The beacon points through the Mu relay... to Ilos."

Leaning against a rail, Kaidan scanned his mind for shreds of data concerning Ilos. Meanwhile, his mouth continued on unchecked. "Well, at least it doesn't point to the beach."

"What?" Shepard wheeled about to face her lieutenant.

Caught at the cookie jar, Kaidan stood more upright with both hands behind his back. "Ah, nothing, Ma'am. Just thinking out loud."

Shepard nodded curtly. "When those thoughts are useful, let me know." Turning again, the commander began to lead the way out of the tower.

Following behind, Kaidan began to see streaks of red glowing in the air, building themselves into a phantom console. Before he was certain he had not slipped into insanity, he had to ask. "Shepard, do you see...?"

"I see it and I don't like it." Slowing her pace, the commander investigated the crimson outlines in space. Her fingers reached for an omni-tool that wasn't there.

Liara pulled up on Kaidan's heels, frowning with worry. "This is not g-"

"You are not Saren." The red being spoke, shaking the metal plating of the deck below the team's feet. If Shepard's voice earlier had been a storm warning, this voice embodied a looming monsoon.

The commander slowly looked up from her point of study, seeking a face to address in what appeared to be a large, luminescent beetle floating before her. "No, I'm not. Who are you? What are you? Are you some sort of VI?"

The voice rumbled on while its body shifted, hovering in space. "Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind fumbling in ignorance. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign."

"I ah... don't think that's a VI, ma'am." Kaidan's head was pounding as he tried to hold a firm gaze on their enemy. The low spectrum reds and deep bass voice snaked into his head, crushing, pushing. It was unlike any experience he'd had before, but very much like his own personal nightmare.

"I don't think it's a Reaper ship either. It's an actual Reaper." Shepard's eyes had traveled up the full length of the AI calmly. It almost seemed as though she were simply speaking to a very tall man rather than the embodiment of the threat they had been chasing.

"What you call us - what the Protheans called us - is irrelevant. We simply are." The rumble that was Sovereign never changed pitch yet the more it spoke, the more threatening it seemed.

"You - you were what wiped out the Protheans... and the race before!" Liara's expression screamed Eureka rather than fear as she stepped forward. Kaidan was incredulous... or as much in disbelief as he could be without holding his head in pain.

Though its features never moved, Sovereign seemed to pin the asari down with its gaze. "Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation - an accident. We are the pinnacle of evolution. Before us, your extinction is inevitable."

"Oh my!" Liara stumbled back as the full weight of the threat fell upon her.

Shepard began speaking, her lips moving first in echo than in near silence as Kaidan placed a hand to his head, attempting to stop the pain. The length of the exchange was marked only by increasing dread each time the immortal being spoke. It seemed there would be no end until a thin echo in Shepard's voice provoked a tidal wave of intensity. "...just a machine and machines can be broken!"

"Enough!" Bellowed Sovereign. "We are legion. Our numbers will darken the sky of every planet. Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over."

Then the red, the red was gone, but the pain continued. Over Kaidan's shoulder a window burst inward, shattering as though of its own will. There was chirping then, chirping inside his head - no - chirping on the comms.

"Commander, don't know what you did but that ship, Sovereign, just pulled a turn that would shear any of ours in half. It's coming your way and it's coming hard." Joker - Kaidan had nearly forgotten about him and the rest of their outside forces in the time they'd been encased by the darkness of the base.

"Orders, Commander?" The lieutenant could barely hear his own voice.

"Head for the drop zone. It's time to blow this place to hell."

* * *

The fog of Kaidan's mind began to clear as his fingers began to prep the nuke. There was a cold terror that rode with touching a device with the capacity to level everyone as far as the eye could see. It diminished the importance of any other thought. Not the pain in his head, the cold pool of water at his feet, the odd expression on Liara's face as she bent beside him, or the distance of Shepard as she cut down geth after geth behind them mattered in that one moment.

He had just turned to check Shepard's status when the comms sprang into life again. It was Ash. "Commander, can you read me?"

A sharp bang signaled the last of the visible AI's in the area. Turning her head to the side, Shepard responded in haste. "Charge is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point Now, Williams."

When Ash's voice came again it was almost obliterated by gun fire. "Negative, Commander. The geth have us pinned down in the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!"

Shepard's eyes were wide, her body tense. "Joker, get them-"

"Negative, Commander! It's too hot!"

A sharp glance over for a status check was the last look Shepard gave her lieutenant before she began running. "Keep the bomb hot. Ash, I'm coming for you."

Kaidan worked as frantically as the delicate operation allowed while behind him Liara pushed back the wave of troopers that had just crested the hill into their clearing. Slowly, the geth forced Liara to give up more and more ground. When she pressed into Kaidan's back, he made his decision.

As he drew his pistol, he uttered one final statement into the comms. "Commander, there's too many geth. We won't survive until you get back. I'm activating the bomb."

The reply came fierce and short. "What the hell are you doing, Alenko? Stay put, I'll come for you."

"Just making sure the bomb goes off, ma'am." Dark energy flared along Kaidan's arm as he turned his eyes to his beautiful, blue companion. "Run. I'll hold them."

He'd only fired two shots before the ground beneath him became light - too light. His boots tread on layers of air as insurmountable gravity flipped him head over feet. Whispers of a command much like his seeped into the chaos. He couldn't quite make them out before the ground came up quickly and with it... blackness.


	23. Sacrifice, Living On

As the _Normandy_ sliced through space away from Virmire, the weight of paradise gone wrong sat heavy on the shoulders of her crew. In the med bay, the aftershocks of the blast rocked through the walls in concussive silence. Across the floor, a discarded omni-tool rolled toward the bed then clicked into an audio playback of the comm traffic during the mission.

"Fly, Kaidan. Fly to her," a soft voice crackled, barely above a whisper.

Swoosh. Crack.

Thunderous wind, staccato gunfire, and a surprised human yelp filled the channel as the helmet and its owner were catapulted away. A single ground-shaking thud stole away the voices of the bomb team, replacing them with muffled chatter.

"Get down! Get down! Troopers at your six!" It was a female voice, far away and far more commanding than the first.

The air of the tiny room filled with the shouts of soldiers and the snap of rifle fire. There were more than a few of the guttural grunts that sounded like fatal wounds.

"Holding cover..." A sudden break in the firestorm brought static and another female voice, much closer to the recording helmet. "Close one."

"T'soni, Alenko. Status!" Three peremptory words washed over the field in breathless haste.

Silence answered.

Running footsteps followed.

The thud of bodies heralded an end of the temporary ceasefire.

Shots began ringing out again and a shuffle ensued as a familiar female voice echoed in the background - Ash. "Commander, there's no time."

No longer running, Shepard's voice came over the comms again, demanding an answer from the static. "_Dammit_, Kaidan! What's going on over there!?"

Finally, the owner of the first, whispery voice came over the comms, panting. "This... This is for my mother."

"Liara, what are you-"

A loud crash pierced the comm channel. The other side went dead.

"No..." It was though all the air rushed from Shepard at once, dragging with it all hope, all liveliness, but there wasn't time to deal with it now.

A voice from the field called, "Commander, over here! It's Alenko."

The sole occupant of the med bay reached down to click off the recording as the door swished open. The man finally spoke as a familiar presence advanced into the room. "You weren't coming back for us."

It was petty. It was pointless. It was irrational and argumentative, but he couldn't bear her sympathy right now. Someone had to be to blame... someone who wasn't him right now.

"Kaidan, I..." Shepard began to issue an explanation, began to move to comfort her lieutenant, but seemed unable to do either of these things. Swaying lightly on her feet, the commander stood as a convict before a line of executioners.

Heedless of the response, Kaidan's head snapped up, his forthcoming tirade seemingly undeniable. "She wasn't even a soldier. Why did you take her into that mess?"

In calm words, Shepard ventured a reply. Her hand floated by her side, both drawn to and repulsed by the man sitting on the bed before her. "Kaidan, you know why."

The lieutenant's right shoulder tensed, but could not complete the action of pointing in accusation through the sling. His legs fought to move forward from the edge of the bed, but could not bear the weight of standing over the woman before them, the weight of pressing her into a corner until something broke. Finally, Kaidan settled for curling his fingers harshly around his battered omni-tool instead, staring Shepard down from the side wall of the med bay. She had to be broken now. He couldn't be the only one.

"You didn't need her to set the bomb. Even if the beacon had... if you had fal- even after you were called away, you still had me. Liara _didn't_ _need_ to be there. She should have been safe on the ship decoding data discs or plaguing Wrex with questions..." Kaidan's head fell, his body seemed to fold in on itself as he wrestled with the demons in his head.

Shepard waited.

She left it unsaid that the lieutenant alone would never have survived to arm the nuke had he been the only source of firepower. It did not need to be spoken, but it was still there.

There was no fire in the lieutenant's voice as he continued, speaking more to himself than his commander. "... Johnson, LeFou, Pryde... They would have been more than capable to provide cover fire for the mission... or even just after they dropped the payload." _It was too hot for the Normandy to fully land and you left the Mako..._ "I should have seen what she was planning or just provided better cover, but I was too worried about... Ash."

Shepard's weight on the bed was nearly imperceptible as she seated herself beside him. "Ash is fine, Kaidan."

Kaidan's eyes traced the crevices of the floor, but he was seeing the chief's face in the team's last approach in the Mako. "Is she? There was something about her... something in her voice when there was nothing more to kill... something that reminded me of Wrex - worse than Wrex. It was as though she were expecting to go out in some blaze of glory."

"Is that why you were going to volunteer for Kirrahe's team?" Shepard's voice was soft, giving almost no impression of the eggshells she was treading on. It was like... like butter over thin ice.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead awkwardly as he spent a moment attempting to make sense of his analogy. It was a beautiful reprieve if only for a fraction of a second. "Why? Why would she do that?"

The bed creaked as Shepard reached toward her lieutenant without touching him. She didn't speak for a time as she seemed to ponder the answers she could give.

"How much can a person lose, Kaidan, before they turn to measures greater than themselves? Liara not only lost her mother, but watched it happen. She herself was almost captured and subjected to the same indoctrination that lead to Benezia's downfall. Liara was powerless in the face of this... this war. Then just as we get closer to stopping Saren, we find Sovereign. The beast stares down at her and gloats over the destruction of a race that, though extinct, had been her sole companion for years. I think the moment Liara found a way to make a difference - to help stop this cycle before it wipes us out too - she had to take it."

There was too much truth in the lieutenant's head and too much that didn't make sense. "But why me? How did saving me make a difference?"

There was another sentence, another set of words that washed across Shepard's face before she settled on a simple sentiment that seemed to run away from her anyway. "I guess we'll have to see... Kaidan, I have no doubt that you are important to m-this mission and Liara knew it. Perhaps better than we did ourselves."

The lieutenant didn't respond. His thoughts were caught in an endless loop of fond memory and self-reprimand. It seemed odd now to have felt - to still be feeling - protective of a woman decades older than himself. It didn't stop him from feeling as though he had failed in that duty: failed to truly notice her, failed to command her in Shepard's absence, failed to keep her alive...

Though Shepard hadn't moved beside him, the commander suddenly returned. "Lieutenant Alenko, are you a certified mental health officer?"

Slowly, Kaidan looked up, meeting her eyes. He couldn't deny the reaction to her tone, but he could allow his grief to delay it, keeping his response quiet. "No Ma'am..."

Commander Shepard wasn't satisfied. "Are you trained in xeno-kinesics, precognition, or any form of telepathy?"

"No, Ma'am." Kaidan somehow located a sharper, crisper tone within himself.

"Then there's no way you could have known what she was going to do." Half-way through, Shepard's voice lost its formality. It became like a hand resting on her lieutenant's back. She didn't demand an answer in the silence that followed, but instead stood to leave.

"Commander... Shepard, you don't understand." Kaidan again found his eyes straying to the increasingly interesting patterns of the med bay floor. "When... When I activated the bomb, I knew what I was facing. The troops were coming in too fast. I was not going to doom Liara to my choice. I ordered her to flee while I..." Kaidan struggled. For a moment, his voice seemed unable to form words. Then it came all at once. "It... could have been her sitting here."

When no answer came, the lieutenant looked up at the still woman by the door. An eerie mask of calm hid something unusual, something shattered just below the surface. The woman, who no longer seemed to be Commander Shepard, closed her eyes a moment before looking pointedly at the omni-tool still in Kaidan's hands.

"I know."

It finally occurred to the lieutenant that he may have been out for quite a time while Shepard reviewed the mission data - all the mission data. His mouth worked, but there were no sounds. He found he was no longer angry, no longer hopeless. Instead he felt a deep, selfish shame over what should have been his valiant moment, his... blaze of glory.

The med bay's link to the ship's comm system chose that moment to click to life, bearing the too-upbeat voice of Joker. "I forwarded the mission update to the Citadel, Commander. We got confirmation on those reinforcements! Ambassador Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel. The Council's massing a joint-species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth."

Life sparked back into Shepard's voice as she looked upon the comm speaker as though it were the pilot standing there in the flesh. "I _knew_ they'd come around. Back to the Citadel Joker! I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet."

"Yes, Ma'am!" The comm clicked off.

Shepard stopped on her way out the door to take a good hard look at her lieutenant. "Turn it outward, use it. We will take each loss we've suffered out of Saren's turian hide, pound by pound. We will make each death-"

"...count." Kaidan joined Shepard on the last word of her small speech. He stood, though it pained him, and saluted left-handedly. "Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

_Author's Note: Alrighty... I was holding off comments until all of Virmire was done, just to give it a little more flow, a little less break, and to keep myself away from tempting spoilers. Now ah... raise your hand if you saw this coming. I'm hoping I did a good enough job where I've prepped you for it, but didn't give it away in advance. I guess I just thought that it was time the _other_ romantic interest got to die. I hope that doesn't disappoint the Liara fans too much, heh.  
_

_As always, a big thank you to Sinvraal for bearing with my writing flights of fancy and helping to keep this story grounded and making sense. Thank you also to Cate Lynn and all my reviewers for their support and... an odd thanks to Ricard for the 'blaze of glory' thought. If you want a good laugh, read his _Random Acts of Virmire_. Now, here's fair warning that as it's been so far... nothing in the rest of this story will be just as you expect. _


	24. Fallout, Rosebuds

Thump.

Shuffle. Shuffle.

Thunk.

Kaidan inhaled sharply and groggily raised his good hand to his eyes. The dull glow of the the med-bay supply room door slipped into his vision briefly. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew it was far too early.

Thock. Slide.

Giggle.

Giggle? Kaidan's half-hearted attempt to massage his sleep-addled body into awareness ceased as his mind snapped to full power. Reluctant to face the room without an answer, the lieutenant remained on his side, staring down a blank med-bay wall. Despite the view, his eyes flickered back and forth as he processed the data his ears strained to collect.

A female voice, hushed and husky, drifted across the void. "The dark is my word. My voice... velvet on your skin. Secrets are my tongue. Drowning sweet... upon my kiss..."

Sounds that had been previously just half there became full of stark meaning. Breaks between the disturbing noises crystalized into implied action. Images, like summer mosquitoes, danced wildly through Kaidan's head.

"Tell me more, Chief. Tell me... interesting things." The second voice was all too definitely Joker's. Somehow, even his whispered overtures sounded snarky.

At that moment, Kaidan wished for two things: a teleporter and an invisibility potion. However, as neither he nor the current scientific community currently had access to either, a backup plan was needed. He decided he could make do with a pillow, which he would have thrown in the direction of the cooing, kissing voices, had he any hope that it might come back. He still needed it to carry out whatever he could of the night's sleep.

A second, more reasonable thought, noted that there was a great probability the puffy projectile would return with a vengeance. So instead he simply lay there, feeling defeated by his newfound fear of pillow-inflicted injury.

Eventually, he would have to stop them, but that time was not now. Soft whispers from the back of his mind slowly came to draw him under. Soon, an entirely different set of lips floated through his dreams bringing him hours of sweet words and phantom kisses.

"Kaidan," they whispered. "Kaidan."

"Shepard," the lieutenant's sleepy voice murmured, "could I have this dance?"

Thwomp. Kaidan sputtered as a standard issue pillow smacked his face with full force. Grasping the offending fluffy object in one hand, he sprang to a seated position, ready to strike. A moment's glance revealed his target in the form of a bemused brunette.

"Easy tiger. Commander sent me to fetch you." Brown eyes squinted down at the lieutenant as an odd expression crossed the chief's face. "The hell they give you anyway?"

Warmth flowered against Kaidan's palm as he rubbed the side of his face. He couldn't quite remember the last few things he'd said or done, but was starting to think he really should. "Standard dose. How long was I out?"

"Well, you managed to tiptoe your way through the land of Nod all the way to Citadel space. We're docked now, but we're being ordered to clear out for a surprise inspection." Ash took a moment to shake her head. "World's coming to an end and brass is worried about shiny belt buckles and bulkheads."

"Where's Shepard?" The lieutenant pressed his head a little bit harder into his hand as the memory of his latest dream flooded in.

The hint of the same odd expression returned as the chief quirked a brow. It was gone before Kaidan could find its meaning, leaving no hint in her voice. "Already ground-side, preparing for her 0800 meeting with the Council and the ambassador."

Something in the way the word ambassador rolled off Williams' tongue brought up a pocket of humor Kaidan had been suppressing deep within his belly. He didn't want to laugh. With all that had happened and all that seemed to be about to happen, he knew he shouldn't laugh. The problem was, the laugh simply didn't listen to him. It bubbled up his throat and escaped into the heavy air. It didn't last long, but oh how good it felt.

"Sounds like she'll need backup." Still bearing the whisper of a smile, Kaidan pushed himself off the bed.

Ash nodded firmly. "Definitely."

Together the pair donned their invisible armor of invincibility made their way to de-con.

* * *

A hulking mass of krogan stood just outside the exit of the Normandy, staring down Doctor Chakwas. Something in his demeanor reminded Kaidan of a child - a very large child - whose overprotective mother had insisted upon wiping his nose in a schoolyard.

"Black out for a few seconds and everyone makes a fuss." Wrex grumbled.

The doctor's eyes were cold steel as she folded her arms before her. "I would hardly call your little adventure with skull bones and grenade fragments 'just blacking out for a few seconds'. I may not have been able to keep you in my med bay, but if you continue to refuse medical attention, I can keep you from active duty."

A loud thud accompanied Wrex's step forward. His hand swung up as though he was drawing a pistol. The single finger he pointed in Chakwas' direction was almost as menacing. "I don't work for you."

"Wrex," Kaidan cut in as the doctor's firm lips began to press out an answer, "Good to see you up and about."

The krogan version of wheeling about reminded Kaidan of a planet spinning in orbit. One solid red eye pinned the lieutenant down before the turtle man nodded approvingly. "You humans recover slowly. You should fix that."

The twitch of one giant, scaly lip was all the clue Kaidan had that Wrex was being friendly and possibly even joking. With his good hand, the lieutenant slicked back his hair and offered up his own smile. "Well that's easy. Just lend me some of your DNA."

The single eye dropped lower as the krogan cocked his head in what Kaidan assumed to be playful thought. "Could set you up with a nice krogan woman. Cure all your ills - if you survived."

Just beyond Wrex, Williams tumbled into laughter. "His babies would be smart and brutal."

"Not to mention imaginary," Kaidan murmured under his breath. Holding the smile for a moment longer, he gave Wrex a solid glance and nodded his farewell. If there was shrapnel buried along that skull, he couldn't see it beneath the web of scars. "Wrex."

"Alenko." Slowly, very slowly, the large krogan turned back to Doctor Chakwas.

Kaidan turned to glare to Williams, but she seemed to be skipping ahead of him, sing-songing stories of kro-man babies with beady eyes and poofy hair. At that moment, the lieutenant dearly missed snow. It was the perfect weapon for this sort of situation. Lacking it, he merely marked down the experience with a devious plan for some later comeuppance at Ash's expense. Briefly, he wondered if she blushed as easily as Liara did.

Liara... had.

The lieutenant's feet dragged just a little more as memories fell upon him. It took all the energy he had been using to wall off his inappropriate feelings for Shepard to bring the mission at hand into functional perspective.

Pondering nothing more than one foot after the other, Kaidan followed the chief to the Council Tower.

* * *

The day did not get better from there. The meeting proceeded as planned with the wise glow of the Council washing over Alenko, Williams, Shepard, and Udina from on high, but the words soon turned sour. One by one the Council members spoke, relaying the fortifications they had set into motion. Each of them seemed content that the fence they'd built would erase the dire problem that was not yet tangible to them.

Shepard's passionate replies fell on deaf ears as though she were speaking in a Prothean tongue rather than Galactic Basic. They needed a translator, someone who could turn a soldier's experience into terms insulated politicians could relate to. As Kaidan stood behind Shepard on the petitioner's platform he saw the curtains of ignorance drop over their ambassador's face.

When Udina turned his weaselly eyes to Shepard, Kaidan wanted to choke him even before the beginning of betrayal poured from his mouth. "Now is the time for discretion, Commander. Saren's greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat. This is over."

Two slow blinks later, Shepard unfurled a tide of disbelieving anger, "Secrecy? The boogie man's greatest weapon is secrecy. Saren doesn't need secrecy. He has armies of geth with dropships and high powered rifles. Those tends to be a bit more effective at killing people than secrecy." Shaking her head slowly, the commander tried to gather her thoughts beneath the ministrations of one hand on her forehead. "Swords," she muttered, "We're bringing swords to a fire-fight."

Taking advantage of Shepard's brief silence, the turian Council member peered down. "Ambassador Udina, I get the sense Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go."

Shepard was shaking. With arduous care she chose careful words over spew of insults that seemed to lurk just below the surface of her expression. "And neither should you be. This is the life of countless citizens in Council space you have in your hands now. This isn't a game. You don't get to choose when war comes to you any more than you can choose to stop the batarian raids. These Reapers are-"

"That is enough, Shepard! There are serious political ramifications here that you cannot possibly comprehend. Humanity has come a long way because of you, but I will not let you send us backwards. You are becoming more trouble than you're worth." Udina didn't even have the decency to turn red with anger as he verbally tossed the commander into the trash compactor.

"You bastard!" Kaidan spat. "You're selling us out! You-"

"It's just politics, Lieutenant. You've done your job now let me do mine. We've locked out all of the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded." The ambassador turned away as he spoke, pushing the issue behind him.

"Politics!" Kaidan inhaled sharply as he fought the sweet, tempting urge to make any move toward Udina. "You won't have a constituency left to elect you when-"

"That's enough, Lieutenant." Shepard's hand materialized firmly on Kaidan's shoulder. Her jaw was locked down hard as she eyed the ambassador. Her next words were a low hiss that made the small hairs on her lieutenant's neck stand on end. "Nobody stabs me in the back. Nobody."

Udina turned to snarl a last, self-validating word, but his attack was lost as he faced Shepard's retreating back. Kaidan struggled to maintain the dignified silence his commander had created for their team. Turning away from the snake in ambassador's shoes without another word seemed to be a monumental task, but somehow, he managed.

* * *

Despite Ash's prodding, Shepard was silent during the long elevator ride back to the Presidium.

"So will it be an acid drip from a string dropped through the bedroom ceiling or is that too good for him? Perhaps we could tie him to our hull and see what happens when we break atmo." As she spoke, the chief continued to clench and unclench the fists resting at her sides.

Kaidan considered the look in her eyes pure venom until he witnessed the silencing gaze the commander leveled at her subordinate. Suddenly the torments recently described by Williams seemed relatively pleasant.

The long elevator ride ended in a quick haul back to the Normandy. Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, who had pulled the crew off the frigate for inspection, was nowhere to be found. Smart man.

Shepard became a storm through the ship as she personally checked every system until even she was convinced the _Normandy_ wouldn't be dancing anytime soon - even for Joker. Kaidan tailed silently, moving from terminal to terminal as he tore into his mind for any possible override. It was useless. Desperation began to bleed from the commander's actions, coming to a full tide when she reached over Joker to access the console before him.

"Woah, hey Commander," the pilot started as he threw his hands up out of the way. "I hate to say it, but she's just a very expensive apartment right now. Pretty nice one though if I do say so myself..."

"Commander," Ash began as she laid a hand on Shepard's shoulder, "There's nothing that can be done now. Assuming permission to speak freely... I think we could all use a drink."

Shepard opened her mouth in protest then closed it with a nod. "Inform the crew they have temporary leave, but keep them on alert. I need to make some calls."

"Aye aye, Ma'am." Tension creased each of Ash's features as she moved off the bridge, a maelstrom in waiting.

Behind her a vortex of deadly quiet spun into existence. Kaidan shifted uncomfortably on the deck, torn between his duty to take leave and his need to do something productive. The frustrated groans of a certain pilot, cricket-like in their cadence, did little to ease the strain.

"Dammit!" Shepard suddenly cursed. "They cut the comms." The co-pilot's chair creaked as the commander leaned toward the console. For a moment, her right hand seemed to be on a collision course with the terminal, much to Joker's increasing dismay. Then offending limb simply touched down upon the console's edge, as Shepard crashed into supporting her head wholly with one palm.

"Commander?" Kaidan stepped forward to place a hand on her shoulder. Barely had he touched her when Shepard rose abruptly from the seat.

"Alenko, gather what evidence we have on the Reapers and meet in front of the human embassy in ten. We're going to see if Captain Anderson can't push some buttons from behind his desk." Shepard waited for only the briefest of confirmations from Kaidan before continuing toward de-con.

The lieutenant sighed as he watched her walk away once more. The fingers of his left hand flexed briefly by his side, shaking off an inconvenient tingle.

"You know, Alenko." Joker's voice drifted somberly over the pilot's chair. "You keep letting her go, one day she won't come back."

"I know." Kaidan half-whispered as he walked off the bridge.

* * *

_Author's Note: Not to spoil too much of the story illusion here, but yes, it appears I am still alive. I'll leave the details of my absence to inquiring minds. Thanks to Sinvraal for her ongoing patience and insight. Thanks also to Cate Lynn and Fortunesque for helping to prompt me on. Now, who knows where we go next... hrm... _


	25. Spiraling, Soaring

Captain Anderson wasn't at the embassy. When Shepard had found only the ambassador in residence in the office, she had abruptly turned to leave. She had the speed and good fortune to be on the other side of the embassy door when it clicked shut in Udina's open-mouthed face. Kaidan hadn't been so lucky.

"I'll have you know, Lieutenant Alenko that acts like that will not be tolerated especially at trying times such as these. I could have her stripped of rank for such insubordination!"

The lieutenant nearly choked on his bitter reply. The ambassador's mistaken concept of his command power seemed to be growing by the second. Even if the man could act on his threat, Kaidan wasn't sure exactly what he was expected to do about his commanding officer's actions. He was certain though that Shepard had spared the ambassador the brunt of her 'insubordination'.

"With all due respect, Ambassador," Oh, how it hurt Kaidan to form his mouth around the word respect while speaking Udina. "Commander Shepard is under a great deal of pressure at the moment-"

"Pressure. I'll give you pressure. The entire Council is looking at us right now like the little farm boy that ran home screaming that a wolf was coming. What if this assault of Shepard's never occurs? What then? A full mobilization of every fleet and the public in a general panic - all for nothing!" The little man furiously tossed data pads about on his desk as he spoke.

"And what if it occurs exactly the way she said it would - exactly the way you aren't prepared for?" A tight tremor coursed through the lieutenant's shoulders as he turned on his heel and stalked through the door without another word.

Kaidan could still hear the Udina's shrill voice ringing in his ears as he trudged behind Shepard from office to office. His head pulsed to a strange rhythm of the ambassador's words laid over a throbbing beat of a multitude of official refusals. No from the Fifth Fleet, No from C-Sec, No from their strained connections to the Shadow Broker - it was amazing how many different ways the same answer could be phrased.

"Where the hell is Anderson!?" Shepard fumed as she punched the slick alley wall. The sound went largely unnoticed among the crowds of the Ward. The numerous voices collided into Kaidan's already busy mind.

A female voice cooed nearby. "How could you say that? He will be a perfect baby - even without the treatment. Especially without the treatment! He'll be so much like his father..."

Across the hall, the voice of a volus hissed, struggling to remain confidant. "I know you've been following me. I know what you want and you won't succeed. You won't. Our research is too important."

Somewhere else, a different female voice was quickly accompanied by several others in hushed chatter. "Are you sure he said to meet him here? How can we trust that he'll deliver?"

A reedy male voice threaded in from a place too close by. "Hey-hey... you got any... ah... anything for an edge of mental acuity?"

And over top of it all, fervent shouts laid a new bass line. "Remember The First Contact War! Remember Eden Prime! Vote Terra Firma!"

It was too much. The lieutenant placed a firm hand upon the commander's upper arm, guiding her away. "Commander, we're only getting further away here. Let's take a moment to cool down, think it over, get a fresh start."

Shepard seemed to hardly register Kaidan's presence as she raised a hand to rub her forehead. "There's just... There must be something I'm missing. Something we can..." Her words trailed off as she met her lieutenant's eyes. "You're right. We need to regroup."

Seemingly out of other options, the tense woman allowed herself to be lead. Kaidan hadn't had a plan as to where they were going, but as the pair neared the bright lights of Flux, he found himself feeling oddly daring. Something in the defeat that had begun seeping out from the edges of the force that was Shepard, pushed him harder to make whatever he could right for her. By the time the two had crossed the threshold of the club, he realized how dual-toned his previous words had been, but this time, he didn't care if she noticed.

No. He wanted her to notice. He wanted to take this moment of military impotency and wring all of the joys of being just a man from it that he could. Stacking on far more mental armor than he ever had for a geth juggernaut, Kaidan pushed his way toward the pulsing, throbbing pain waiting to happen that was more commonly called a dance floor.

"Shepard," he began as he turned to her, one hand outstretched in invitation. "Would you..."

The lieutenant trailed off as he realized he no longer had the commander's attention. Her eyes seemed focused on something further into the room.

"Is that Captain Anderson?" Angel eyes flicked quickly to Kaidan, directing his gaze to the dark man who sat hunched at a solitary table.

The man, who looked more like Anderson with each passing second, seemed somehow alone despite the crowd surrounding him. It was as though he'd built himself a wall of shot glasses and sorrow. Mentally, Kaidan raised a warning flag from the barricade of bourbon. This was a man who was best left to himself.

Shepard seemed to ignore this herald as she pushed headlong through the crowd. She arrived at the Captain's table with her head held high as though she would be receiving orders instead of the more likely answer. "Captain."

"Shepard." Anderson nodded curtly as he looked up. "Heard about the lockdown. That's tough."

The response seemed to stagger the commander - not physically, but alongside her, Kaidan could see the wall she had so recently rebuilt begin to crumble. Still, she pressed on. "Do you have any useful intel that might get us airborne again?"

"No." Anderson's words were direct, but his eyes flickered briefly to one side. Another brick began to slide down inside Shepard's eyes before he spoke again. "Not yet, but I am working on something. I'll keep you posted."

The commander nodded, anxious to move into action as she snapped off a farewell. "Sir."

Kaidan wasn't far behind. A second of sympathy transferred between the two men as the lieutenant took his leave. "Captain."

* * *

Back aboard the _Normandy_, Shepard seemed determined to fully test the durability of the floor between the navigation hall and pilot's console. Back and forth she strode. Each time she reached the co-pilot's seat her hand would hover over the controls as though she could power them on by force of will alone.

"Commander!" Joker growled from under the console. "Our _nearly_ best and brightest worked on this most of the time you were gone. Not the leave-taking type I guess. Anyway, since then, I've been under here trying everything they don't know... and fixing everything they thought they knew," the pilot continued on, muttering.

If it hadn't been for his feet sticking out, Kaidan never would have seen Joker though he had to admit, the snappy voice helped. The lieutenant found his gaze drifting over his commander despite his best internal orders.

"Either way," Joker interrupted Kaidan's thoughts as the pilot finally poked his head out from under the terminal. "Lockdown's final."

Joker took a moment to stare pointedly at Shepard before returning to... whatever it was he was doing. Kaidan couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Jeff Moreau anywhere other than the pilot's seat. He'd certainly never seen him - or anyone - under that console before. A low whine penetrated the lieutenant's ears as he pondered the flickering directives flying across the terminal screen. It was then he realized the sound wasn't from the machine at all - having dismissed the commander's presence, Joker was singing to himself.

"Show no fear, for she may fade away..." The pilot's voice was thin, reedy and not at all like the clear, confidant show he had put on for Synthetic Insights earlier. It was that sound, more than anything else that finally pushed Shepard and her lieutenant off the bridge.

* * *

Kaidan hadn't been following Shepard. He'd been intent on the auxiliary console just outside her quarters. It just happened that the commander was heading that way also. Three taps into the code he'd been preparing in his head to compliment Joker's effort, the lieutenant was interrupted.

Slam.

Slide.

Over the glow of the terminal, Kaidan saw her collapse. As Shepard sat crouched against her locker, the lieutenant couldn't help comparing her to a fried circuit board, a drained engine, anything without a pulse. He was moving before the sterner of his thoughts had a chance to catch up.

"Commander, are you alright?" The lieutenant crouched beside his commander. His hand rose of its own volition, pulled by the expression on her face and the ache to smooth it out. He let it fall just before it was able to experience the texture of her skin.

Shepard sighed. "We're out of the game for now - grounded. Official channels are closed."

"That's... not what I asked... ma'am." Kaidan inched forward.

There was no reply. As the commander hung her head, the lieutenant slid in beside her. The chill of the lockers against his back was not so cold as the pit in his stomach as he looked upon the echo of a woman he knew.

He just wanted her to smile again. "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, we may as well get a good seat."

There was no hint of a smile upon the commander's lips. The lieutenant wasn't sure why he'd expected otherwise. Kaidan realized he had no idea what to say next so he just kept talking. "Commander, you know you can count on me... or any of the crew when you figure things out."

Finally, Shepard responded. "C'mon Kaidan-"

The lieutenant mentally slapped his forehead. _When she figured things out..._ No pressure. Yeah, no pressure at all. Then he listened a little harder and realized that wasn't what she was saying at all.

"-I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

A shoulder? He could certainly give her that. Kaidan turned to find Shepard's eyes locked onto his. Without breaking the gaze, he tentatively slipped his hand around the commander, reaching for her shoulder to draw her in against him. The moment his palm pressed into Shepard's upper arm, the lieutenant found he couldn't get enough. He was momentarily lost as his hand kept moving, pulling her closer to him. Something about the feel of Shepard's arm below his fingers felt odd, more yielding than he'd expected, but for once he ignored the warnings in his head.

"Commander, you know I care for you..." The soft voice faded as somewhere inside, the lieutenant lost the race against his persistent doubts. They pulled him back away from Shepard, made him find a way out that he desperately didn't want. "But I don't want to muddy things. We're in a hell of a spot here."

The commander was still looking at him, gazing up at him. She seemed stronger now somehow as she managed a slight chuckle. "You can't just pull out a good, old-fashioned it'll-be-alright, can you?"

"I... no." Kaidan shook his head slowly as he stood. He had bent, offering his hand to the commander for the second time that night, before the hint of a smile found him. "It's that easy is it?" Shepard's hand was warm in his palm. Her eyes were still focused on his. "Okay then." He pulled. "Everything will be..." Shepard's body was warm against his suddenly. "...alright" Kaidan whispered as he peered down at the woman he loved, the woman he was now holding.

The lieutenant began noticing everything about the commander he hadn't truly been able to before - the way her body somehow managed to be soft and hard all at once, the glow that brightened the ring around her irises, the small crinkles at the edges of her eyes, the way her weight threw him gently off balance. Together they seemed in tune with the ship's slight drift as it sat docked with minimal systems operating.

Slowly, they began dancing. It wasn't anything that would be seen at a formal gathering, but it worked for them. Gently, hardly moving their feet, they swayed across their small space of floor. Kaidan closed his eyes, for once at peace with the moment. Instead of the words that would ruin the moment, a soft song began rolling within his throat. _You were the one... you were-_

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got the comms up in time to receive a message from Captain Anderson. He wants to you meet him at that club down in the wards - Flux."

_Joker!_ Kaidan's mental voice roared. _No Joker, bad Joker._ Outwardly, he sighed and stole one last look at his Shepard. "Guess he has a plan."

The commander gave a slow nod. Her eyes bore a mix of soft regret and deadly intent as she broke away to head toward the exit ramp. Once more, Kaidan watched her go, but somehow this time, he couldn't stop smiling.

Halfway to the door, Shepard stopped suddenly. "Oh and lieutenant... " Kaidan's heart warmed as he saw the impish smile return to his commander. "... that wasn't my shoulder."


	26. Cracking In, Lifting Off

Shepard had chosen to meet with Captain Anderson alone. In the meantime, Kaidan's duty was to recall all crew members from too-brief a leave in hopes that the _Normandy_ might soon be lifting off. It had been a surprisingly easy task considering the added strain the crew would be voluntarily walking into.

Perhaps Ash had said it best as she hopped through the door from de-con fully armed and shouted, "Hoo-yah! About time, L.T. Point me in the direction of that bird man and let me at 'im!"

A multi-tonal cross between a cough and a chuckle arose behind her as Garrus interjected, "I almost resent that, Chief."

On Vakarian's last word, Wrex chose to make his presence known by issuing a king-sized slap over the turian's back. "Consider it.. a favor to the galaxy."

Tali's small form trailed in behind the massive turtle man without a word. There was something about her posture that made her look smaller than usual. Her rested over one side of her neck as though covering a wound. Kaidan had no time to shift into a fully protective mode though as his comm requested his attention in Joker's absurdly smug voice.

"Lieutenant Alenko, you have an incoming message. Should I patch it through?"

Shepard? Kaidan pondered. No. She would have contacted him directly. Perhaps they were getting help from the Fifth Fleet after all. With his newly lifted spirits barely contained, the lieutenant answered quickly, "No, I'll be up to take it."

"Alright," the disembodied voice the pilot answered a little less buoyantly.

"Williams," Kaidan spoke crisply as his eyes fell upon the chief. "Find Pressly and let me know the moment the commander gets back."

"Sure, L.T. ah... I mean aye aye, sir." Ash fired off a salute as she snapped into the moment.

* * *

On the bridge, the lieutenant found Joker next to the frozen image of a blonde haired woman in uniform. Something about her seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Cautiously, Kaidan leaned down against the back of the pilot's chair.

"What's the message?"

Biting back some sort of reply, Joker mutely clicked the transmission into playback mode.

A cool voice began speaking into the silence between the two men. "Lieutenant Alenko, this is Lieutenant Storm of the _Tokyo_. Heard you're looking for something I can help with. We should be in range for two standard hours from the date of this message. Storm out."

The moment Storm stopped talking, Joker's mouth went into action. "Again - why do _you_ get all the hot ones?"

Kaidan shook his head slowly. "When did this come in?"

"While we were down. Your window expired... oh somewhere between your foray into Flux and your two-step out by the mess." Joker leaned back into the seat as though nothing more was wrong with the world than the lieutenant's inability to manage his love life.

Caught in the the tangled wire of the pilot's bait, Kaidan seethed for a moment, "You were spying on us!?"

"Spying no? I am the all-seeing Moreau... that or I have this uncanny ability to predict human action when prompted in the right direction." Somewhere below the ball cap, Joker seemed to be grinning madly.

"You've been encouraging me all this time just so you could..." Kaidan gripped the chair top tightly as he sought out just the right words. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Me? Why nothing. Nothing at all. You on the other hand - should probably get back to your vixen here." As though seeking yet another source of amusement at the lieutenant's expense, the pilot gestured toward the frozen vid screen.

With great effort, Kaidan schooled his response into something emotionally manageable. "Why? I thought they were out of range."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Based on their last given location, the amount of time I was able to keep you distracted, and my estimate of their trajectory, they should be in range of another buoy in 3... 2..."

As much as he ached for the good news the mystery woman might hold, Kaidan wasn't ready to concede victory to Joker just yet. "You can't know that."

Without waiting for an answer the pilot began punching in the transmission sequence. "No, but you could always give it a shot. We're on Citadel power now, baby."

The lieutenant sighed as the image of an unfamiliar man came up on the screen. Somewhere behind the mental workings that prepped him for the conversation to come, a small part of him put aside the pilot's name on a vengeance list - right next to Williams.

Oblivious to scheming of the man beside him, Joker carried on. "Got a message for Lieutenant Storm."

Kaidan watched impatiently as Joker exchanged technical pleasantries with the _Tokyo_ crewman. It seemed to take an hour for the pilot's call to be transferred to Storm's frequency, but it was only a few seconds before the unknown man was replaced by by a far more visually pleasing woman.

"Storm here."

"Storm, this is Lieutenant Alenko-"

"Ah, Alenko. One moment..." The vision of Storm blurred as the woman ducked to the side of the panel, seemingly fiddling with something. When she came on again, her tone was quick and clipped, but still somehow friendly. "My source in Hackett's office tells me you're looking for a lockdown override. I won't ask why you need it, but I should be able to help you with that."

Kaidan blinked. "That's great news! But how?"

"There should be a code on your primary console on the base screen below your operating window. Usually, it's in the upper right, but it depends on the model. I need you to find it and read it to me..." As she spoke, Storm pushed a hand back through her hair. Her eyes flickered across the screen with each direction as though she were mentally accessing the cues she was asking for from the lieutenant.

The little voice in Kaidan's mind that had previously been dedicated to plotting the demise of a certain pilot, kicked in a warning at the information request. He glanced down at the console before him to find Joker had already pulled the _Tokyo_ lieutenant's file. Much of what the personnel file held was standard, but not all of it. As discreetly as was possible, the _Normandy_ pilot mouthed the word _Torfan _to the lieutenant standing over his shoulder. Kaidan shook his head and pointed instead to several commendation's Storm had received while serving under Admiral Hackett after the bloodbath on Torfan. She had been cleared of all charges and, to Kaidan, that was good enough.

From that point on, the exchange of instruction and implementation went smoothly with Kaidan receiving the orders and the pilot plugging them into the terminal. As the lieutenant began to feel superfluous to the conversation, he moved to excuse himself from it - if only to the co-pilot's chair to run other diagnostics. He did not want to be far away if this workaround happened to actually work.

The orange image of Storm broke from her concentration and turned toward Kaidan. "You don't remember me, do you?"

The lieutenant raised his head to meet the vid-image's gaze once more. Stars. Something about the star tattoos on her wrists sparked a small pocket of memory. "Admiral Hackett's Office. You were my guide when they were recruiting me for this wild ride. I probably don't want to ask how you know about this override, do I?"

Storm chuckled. "Everything goes somewhere, Lieutenant, and I go everywhere."

Kaidan's amused reply was cut off by the insistent beeping of his comm. "Alenko," Shepard's voice began in hushed tones, "Take Williams and meet me at the Embassy. We have some... local color... going on."

The lieutenant spared a quick glance and nod back to his amber ally before making haste toward the door. He hoped she'd understand, but if not, well... she'd have Joker.

* * *

Shepard's definition of local color turned out to be a baker's dozen of C-Sec officers and a purple-faced ambassador. The sight of so many men - turians mostly - in such a small hallway was almost comical to Kaidan as he drew up with Williams behind his commander and Captain Anderson.

"Captain Anderson, this kind of insolence will not be tolerated," Udina barked in an encore performance of his confrontation with Kaidan. "You cannot simply barge in to my office, go through my personal effects and... You! Shepard - I suppose I should know better than to expect more from you."

As the ambassador continued to berate the two wolves who stood before him, the lieutenant began to click the pieces together. Udina's office - the code. Anderson must have been trying to retrieve the ambassador's personal code for the lockdown on his office terminal with Shepard. No, the commander would have been called in later... likely after whatever time all these C-Sec officers arrived. How was he to tell them that they no longer needed that code - or at least he hoped they didn't.

Kaidan held his hands out. "Commander, Captain, 'Ambassador', I'm sure this has been some sort of misunderstanding."

"There is no mistake here, Lieutenant. I caught them red-handed in my personal files." Udina puffed up his chest as he spoke. The lieutenant couldn't help but notice that the amount to which he did this seemed to be directly proportional to the number of armed guards he had standing behind him.

"In your personal files..." Kaidan drew the thought out as he awaited a sign of confirmation from the ambassador. "What would Captain Anderson want with your personal files?"

"Couldn't have to do that asari mistress, could it?" Ash piped up with a grimly mischievous twist of her lips.

"That's preposterous! I would never have anything to do with that witch!" Udina sliced his hand through the air, growing anxious as the C-Sec collective behind him began to grow restless. They had better things to do than respond to the sort of call this was looking to be. "No... No! The codes. They were after the lockdown codes! Although the joke's on you, Commander. Yes it is. I had a feeling you'd think I'd be stupid enough to store them on my personal console, but that just isn't the case as you've certainly seen for yourselves."

"Surely you don't think that even I'd believe I could go very far on a stolen warship. Do you, Ambassador?" Shepard replied with malicious promise. "No, the captain and I were simply following... other leads to make good use of our time here. Since it does appear that we will have quite a lot of it now."

"Well I- I... " Udina's face turned a new shade of purple as he fought for the verbal high ground.

"I think we're done here, men." The lead officer briskly dismissed his men, but took a long moment to stare down the ambassador before leaving himself. "Spectre Shepard has caused us her fair share of problems, but nearly as many as you have Udina. Remember that, the next time you consider calling us for a personal matter."

"You know L.T." Ash nudged Kaidan as they awaited Shepard's dismissal. "I think we propagated a little anti-human sentiment just now."

"Nah," Kaidan whispered, "he did that all by himself."

Finally Shepard turned and signaled her crew to leave.

The lieutenant couldn't help but glance behind him as he retreated. "It's a shame though."

The three _Normandy_ crew members were halfway down the nearly empty hall when they heard Anderson's voice echo after them. "Ambassador Udina, if I may have a word with you in private."

"What could you possibly want now Ander-" The bone-crushing smack that broke off the ambassador's next tirade seemed loud enough to be heard from the space outside, but if any of the C-Sec officers noticed it, they chose simply to ignore it.

Turning his head from the scene of the incident, Kaidan caught a good look at his commander's face and the very satisfied smirk it held.

* * *

The moment the trio was back aboard the _Normandy_, the lieutenant found himself rushing - as professional as possible - to the bridge. He hovered over the edge of the pilot's console as he awaited word from Joker on what miracles he may have been able to pull off.

Shepard sidled up to him wearing a smirk that was half-amused and half-disconcerted. "As... fulfilling as that last mission may have seemed... you know we were unable to retrieve the codes, right?"

As Kaidan stumbled over his answer, Joker chose that moment to enter in his two cents. "We were handed a very helpful break by Lieutenant BlondeAndBeautiful of the _Tokyo_. Just putting the finishing touches on it... now."

The commander's gaze shifted thunderously from the pilot to Kaidan. "Lieutenant.... what?"

Despite his best wishes, Kaidan began blushing. Inwardly, he chastised himself - he had no reason to be ashamed even if the other lieutenant was beautiful. He shook his head again. Something had to be done about this preoccupation of his before it got him killed. Realizing that he'd been silent under Shepard's pensive gaze for far too long, Kaidan opened his mouth to answer.

Fortunately for him, any answer he may have given was drowned out by an exuberant yelp from the pilot's seat. A flash of green from the terminal caught the lieutenant's eye as Joker hopped onto the comms. "Ladies and Gentlemen, hold on to your butt-kicking boots, we are out of lockdown!"

As the _Normandy_ took off with all haste, Kaidan and Shepard shared a look of steely delight. For that one moment, there was nothing between them but the mission. It was a glorious moment.

* * *

_Author's Note:_

_Ok, firstly, I forgot to thank Cate Lynn in the last chapter for inspiration behind the wonderful 'bad Joker' line. Now then, thank you as always to Sinvraal for her guidance (whether I'm too excited to post to take it or not...), and a special thank you to RICARD for letting me borrow his Hayley Storm. I hope I did alright by her, but if I've left you readers confused go on and check out Storm Warning, Storm Cycle, Fade to Black... Yeah, good stuff. _


	27. Sinners, Saints

Kaidan didn't feel the rush of the _Normandy_ as it momentarily dropped from FTL speeds to a brief weightlessness then back again. He didn't feel the residual eezo charge as the ship burst through the relay. No, as the lieutenant sat alone at the far table in the mess, he was far too wrapped up in his coffee to notice much outside of his head.

The dark, steaming liquid was so bitter, it was considered by many of the enlisted to be a regulation nerve enhancement - a peril of constitution guaranteed to make a man out of a mouse.

_"And are you a mouse, Alenko!?"_ the deep voice of the past barked in his head.

_"No, Sir!"_ his mental self answered back with artificial tenacity.

It was enough steel to bring him to his feet, but not enough to make them move. The very thought of what he was planning dropped ice into his extremities, making walking a monumental chore. It was funny, he thought, the things that one worries about. It seemed that the closer to the known they were, the more they grated.

Coffee forgotten on the table, the lieutenant leaned against the bulkhead, pondering anything that would allow him to stay there. Ilos. It was a far-off place, draped under a landscape he'd never seen and full of critters he couldn't imagine. Once full of critters, he corrected himself. Now, it would be full of geth - deadly synthetics that had likely already spread like an electronic blight upon the surface of the land, like a virus. Thinking in those terms made the undeniable truth he felt at the back of his mind merely a problem to be solved, a glitch on a circuit board. What if they could infect the geth hive mind with their own virus, turn them on each other by manipulating the synapses capable of determining friend from foe? They might then turn on each other in one large maelstrom of clashing bodies, releasing their fluids upon the bed of earth...

Fluids.

Bed.

Was he picturing geth sex? Kaidan slapped a hand to his forehead if for no other reason than to physically force out the ideas he could not reason away. One idea, really. He wanted Shepard. He wanted to really know her before there was no chance for that at all. For all his worry, it wasn't the geth or even Saren that truly bothered him. It was the end of the way things were. Death on such a massive scale as the turian had described was too abstract for the lieutenant to fully grasp. Instead, his veins were stilled by the idea that, with Shepard, he'd committed himself to a court martial that could strip him of his commission, transfer him to a forsaken outpost, or ground him entirely.

It would be rather difficult from any of those positions to see Shepard again, even briefly. One simply didn't run into an old friend out in the blackness of space and remark on what a small world it was. There were too many small worlds for that. And he'd deserve that fate. Somehow, in some way, there was a time where he hadn't done his job, hadn't done his duty. That was the only way the necessity of stealing a warship to fulfill that very duty made sense to him. He must have missed a route. Most likely, it was somewhere in his infatuation with Shepard.

Shepard. It all came back to her. With little reward, he'd broken rules with her that he'd considered inviolate. Each time, it had gotten a little easier. Each time he'd gotten away with it, the rule had seemed to fade. Now here they were throwing the entire regulation book in the face of those who had structured his world. What was one more rule now?

Kaidan marched himself down to Shepard's quarters intent on laying bare his thoughts and hopefully more...

* * *

The lieutenant was still in his head as he walked the corridor, playing out the conversation to be in its most favorable facet.

_"Commander?" _He'd have to start that way. That part was easy.

Then she'd say,_ "Something you need, Lieutenant?"_

Then what?

Then maybe.. _"If things don't go well on Ilos. Well, I just wanted you to know that... " _That what? Kaidan cursed himself as he stuttered across his own fantasy. _"That I've enjoyed serving under you."_

And that I'd like to serve on top of you for a while... No, too subtle, followed immediately by too sleazy.

Not that she'd mind though. Even if she picked up on the subtle, she'd say something official, something classy. Something like... _"It's been a pleasure serving with you as well, lieutenant." _Oh God, please don't let her say pleasure.

Maybe she wouldn't say that. Maybe if he could only manage a better lead in, she'd say something more like... _"Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate long ago..." _

It was too much to hope for that she'd drop to the level of his current thoughts and whisper, _"Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of your serving under me."_

Stunned by that thought, the lieutenant still had gotten no further than 'I've enjoyed serving under you' by the time he'd reached Shepard's door.

* * *

"Oh Ohh... lieut-en...nt.." a female voice cooed from beyond the commander's door.

Her breathy alto was soon eclipsed by a silence that held the bare breath of a series of unmistakable groans. Though he was quieter than she, his voice was no less enraptured as he sighed, "God... you're beautiful."

"You are..." was all she managed in reply before her whispered response crescendoed into into a delicious moan. "Where do you want me?"

For a few brief moments that extended across the universe, all was pleasure. There seemed to be waves upon waves of it, coming anew with each fresh moment.

Neither of the pair seemed to care that their intimate song was being played for an audience of gossips just beyond the locked entry as their pitch and tenor rose with an enviable fervor.

Kaidan was stunned. Hand raised, just outside the door, he couldn't force himself to move. Instead he simply stood there as some strange statue while rotating through all the relevant emotions.

Jealousy - Who was she in there with?

Confusion - That's not the commander...

Shock - Wait, that's not...

Slow Acceptance - Well, good for them.

Envy.

Finally free of his mental bonds, Kaidan wheeled about and stalked off in no particular direction - just anywhere. Away.

* * *

The lieutenant found Shepard on the bridge. He hadn't intended to, but upon finding himself staring at the short curls of hair dangling over the top of the pilot's chair, he felt it was where he meant to be after all.

Mimicking the usual pilot's uncanny sensory ability, the commander seemed to pick up on Kaidan's presence long before he actually reached her. "Disturbing, isn't it?"

"Moreau and Williams? Just a bit." The lieutenant carefully kept his voice level as he placed a hand across the top of the commander's chair.

Shepard canted her head to the side to look up at Kaidan "Actually, I meant the series of events that lead us to steal a prototype ship just so we could rush to be the heroes no one seems to want us to be, but that one's a bit disturbing too. I think I blocked it out of my mind the moment I let them use the room."

"Oh. Yeah, there is tha-you _let_ them use your room?" The express train that was Kaidan's thoughts came to a screeching halt as the implications of Shepard's words dropped down upon him.

Tipping the chair just slightly, Shepard caught a better look at her lieutenant. "I don't think there is anyone left on the crew who doesn't realize that this may be the last ride. Some of them didn't even make it on board. That leaves more for those of us who are left. More work. More risk. Why not more privileges while there are some to be had?' The commander's voice trailed off somewhat as she returned her attention to the console before her. "Besides - Chakwas kicked them out of the med bay. Something about a lack of space with the extra supplies she picked up."

Kaidan rubbed hand over his forehead, trying to keep the image he'd been carrying of Shepard - and possibly himself - in her bed from merging with the new data. It was a fairly efficient cold shower. "Why...? No.. how...?" He sighed, realizing he no longer had an audience for his verbal reservations.

The lieutenant dropped a hand very surely on his commander's shoulder as he came around the chair and crouched to her level, beginning his words once again. "How-"

"-do they do it? There're just some things I just don't need to know." Shepard stared straight ahead.

"No," the lieutenant asked softly, "how are you?"

There was a long moment of silence before a reply drifted up from the chair with a sigh. "I keep telling myself we're right. I don't believe me yet."

"Shepard, I wouldn't be here if I didn't think we were doing the right thing." Kaidan kept his eyes on the commander's face, leaning just slightly to try to catch an expression from her profile.

She didn't flinch. The stone wall that used to be his commander answered, "Was there something you needed lieutenant?"

"Yeah... " Kaidan raised his hand to caress the far side of Shepard's jaw, slowly turning her face to him. "You."

The warm, confidant joy that had found itself into the lieutenant's veins seemed to collapse the barricade his commander had erected. They melted together over the arm of the chair as they shared their first real moment of physical intimacy.

For the few moments that he shared the kiss with Shepard, Kaidan couldn't remember how to think. Instinct that was deeper than thought dug down into him, telling him that if he were to lose her now, he wouldn't be able to stand it. Without breaking the moment, he opened his eyes, tracing the face he loved that was so close to his. Soon, he found himself looking into angel eyes and when those eyes began to bubble over in mirth, Kaidan found himself responding in kind.

Despite it all, despite the looming doom he should have been worried about, Kaidan began laughing with Shepard. It was a beautiful release.

* * *

_Author's Notes: Thank you as always to Sinvraal for her invaluable advice and to all my reviewers for the encouragement - especially RICARD who has been my ear lately. Sorry for making whoever's reading this wait for this one - it's likely not what you were expecting, but when is it ever? To be honest, I like it better, but I may be tempted to expand upon it later. For now, this just seemed to... fit. Yeah._


	28. Diamond Steel, Thin Ice

Kaidan's mind was a brilliant, crystalline fog as he caressed his commander's cheek. Crouched by her side at the pilot's chair, he found himself simultaneously satiated and deliciously ravenous. Without permission, his mind began to imagine the details of the bridge as he never had before. Instruments of utility became lustful opportunities as he allowed his world to unravel.

Drowning in his mind's desire, the lieutenant did the only thing he could to gain control of the situation. He stood and straightened himself for duty. As his hands coursed over the cloth and leather wrinkles of his regulation grays, he looked softly down upon Shepard. A wave of confusion passed through his commander's eyes, but it didn't last. Soon the angel gaze was sheeted in steel and fully focused on the readouts before her.

Kaidan slicked a hand back through his hair as he leaned in on the chair arm. "Anything to worry about, Commander?"

Shepard chuckled softly to herself as she addressed only the most basic level of the question. "Everything looks A-Ok, Lieutenant. Good speed. Minimal drift. We should be reaching the Mu Re-"

"Corporal Pryde to Bridge." The tense voice of the weapons systems officer made itself a foreboding presence at the pilot's console and set Kaidan's nerves on edge.

"Go ahead, Pryde." The commander's reply was strong, confidant, and bore the annoyed fatigue that could only be acquired by the beginning of a third straight shift. Business as usual.

"Commander, we've got some company at port forward and heading in. Slowing for active scans."

Shepard nodded into the dead space of the bridge. "Thank you, Corporal. We'll take it from here."

"Looks like hostile company," Kaidan added as he slid into the co-pilot's seat. "That's a batarian frigate." The lieutenant sighed as he turned toward Shepard. "You think they're planning on bargaining their way out of Reaper rule?"

Shepard's jaw clenched. "Don't know. Not sure why else they'd be out here." Shepard roughly clicked on an all-ship signal. "Attention all hands, we have hostiles at ten o'clock. Prepare for possible evasion or negotiation attempts and get me a firing solution."

To the commander's side, Kaidan's mouth turned to a hard line as he began pulling up the trajectory of the ship that shouldn't have been there. He had the required answers needed nearly before they were asked of him.

"How far off?"

"Just over 1500K. They don't seem to have spotted us yet... if that's their intent."

Shepard turned from the screen before her, seeming to assess the open space between herself and her lieutenant as it became alive with brutal possibility. "Possible destination?"

"Indeterminate, Commander. They're moving fast enough to jump and the Hawking Eta Relay behind us links straight to the secondary relay in the Horse Head Nebula. Could be almost anywhere from Terra Nova to Acheron. Does seem like they aren't interested in us though." Kaidan briefly looked up from the console, gauging Shepard's reaction in the orange light. One batarian ship wouldn't be cause to jump to battle stations, not for the average soldier...

"Pick up any of their friends yet?" The commander's fingers pressed into the arm rests of her chair as she stared intensely at the terminal ahead. Abruptly, she stood and began a restrained pacing behind the lieutenant.

"No, Ma'am. Just the one. Bearing away now. Resume FTL speeds?"

For a long moment Shepard simply watched the graphical blip on the screen fly past. Her voice was low as she spoke again, mostly to herself. "Wherever they go, hell shall follow. I don't envy the colony where you're going." Abruptly, she raised her head, turning back toward Kaidan. "Resume course for the Mu Relay. We can't stop now." Slowly, she reached for the comms again and gave the all-clear to the crew.

"Should we notify Fifth Fleet, Commander?"

There was a tense pause as Shepard seemed to ponder the answer. "Yes, but do it discreetly. We may be fugitives, but let's not be outlaws too."

Watching her, the lieutenant couldn't help himself. He managed only a slow exhale before the words came. "With all due respect, Commander, they could be on legitimate business."

It was as though a steel trap snapped shut over his tongue as Shepard focused on him. "Not unless they're heading to Omega. Last I checked that was the other way."

"Point taken, Commander." Kaidan resumed his checks on the screen ahead. It wasn't his job - not technically. In fact, the job pretty much did itself once FTL speeds were reached. It wasn't his shift either, but it was his duty at that moment to maintain whatever normalcy that could be had while headed into the unknown.

When all that could be checked had been and there was nothing left to do, but leave the _Normandy_ to do what she did best or risk tearing her apart, he turned to face Shepard once more.

Beep. Beep. The terminal warned of the approaching relay. No response from the commander. Beep.

Mechanically, the commander took hold of the helm, initiating the transmission sequence, acquiring the approach vector, and guiding the ship through the beautiful blue path to destruction. Once Kaidan's gut returned to its normal resting place and the _Normandy_ was gliding through normal space on her way to Ilos, he found his voice again. "Commander, are you alright?"

The voice that came was still, like the waters of a dark pond. "I am perfectly fine lieutenant. Why do you ask?"

Kaidan's hand found its way back through his hair again as he fought the urge to get up and do.. something. "Back there, you almost blew a ship out of the sky for little more reason than that it was there." He sighed, turning his voice harder than he wanted it to be. "I need to know that your head's in this - that you won't be rushing into Saren's sights the moment he comes into reach."

"You're walking a thin line, Alenko. Don't think that being... _near_ me has earned you a promotion." Shepard sat stiffly in the pilot's chair, no longer looking at the lieutenant.

"I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am." Kaidan pursed his lips into a thin line. "It's just that we seem to be flying a bit more blindly than usual. Perhaps it would help m-the crew if you briefed them on the post-arrival plan for Ilos."

The commander turned in her chair and pressed a hand to her head as her gaze flickered across the bridge. "Blind? The only person on this ship who had even seen this planet before is dead and the only readout I've been able to get on the lay of the land is 'jungle terrain, hot air, large mass, long day'. None of that is encouraging."

Kaidan nodded slowly as he flipped his screen to the Ilos entry. "It does look like an awful lot of cover for the geth. Hmm.." The lieutenant the screen closer as a small piece of data caught his eye. "High oxygen levels. That could work for us. If we could get them cornered, a few small blasts would go a long way."

"It could also burn us up." Shepard shook her head. "We should be going in with a full armada - not like this... We're getting close now. Do you read any life forms or shield signals?"

"It looks like the entire dark side is blacked out - no animal life at all, but still plenty of plants. Brushing past the curve of the planet now... Yes, multiple shield signals, but only one life sign."

"Saren." From Shepard's mouth the word was as a curse. Moving back to the comms she called Pressly, Joker, and her remaining ground team ops to the bridge. Her lips twisted into a wry smile as she clicked the signal off. "Play time's over, Moreau."

* * *

The added bodies on the bridge did little to raise the spirits of the crew as they searched for a landing zone.

"Two klicks is too far! Get us something closer," demanded Ash as she leaned over Pressly's shoulder at the navigation console.

The older man threw up his hands. "There _is_ nothing closer - I've looked!"

"Can we do a drop in the Mako?" Shepard was frowning as she asked, fearing the answer as she paced past the numbers displayed on the active consoles.

"Negative." Pressly shook his head. "The closest run I can find is twenty meters."

"With a descent angle that steep... that's practically suicide." Kaidan's mind was awash with options that all added up to zero. This seemed to be their only choice and he didn't like it at all.

"I can do it." Joker's voice was soft in the clamor, but came again stronger, harder as he made himself heard. "I _can_ do it."

A thin, eerie veil passed over the commander's eyes as she assessed her pilot. To the staff lieutenant at her side, she became an apparition of death to come, the armor-shredding casing of a silver bullet pulled from myth and etched with Saren's name. Her voice was just as cold. "Take us down, Joker."

Kaidan took one last look at the floating paradise on the screen before him before following Shepard to the Mako below. As his steps echoed on the steel around him, he felt that he was already dead and invincible in that knowledge. He would be an avenging spirit and steal life back from Saren's hands - the life of the unnumbered civilians on planets he'd never seen, his own life, and Shepard's. This would end because it had to and he would have a life with her.

* * *

_Author's Notes: Ah, so here we go. Apologies for the wait, but y'know... Holidays. As always, credit where credit is due to Sinvraal, the editing queen. We're wrapping it up here folks with only Ilos and the Citadel left to go - if there's something you want to see before then, pop in your bids now :p_


	29. Maze Traps, Heat Wrath

The descent to the planet below had Kaidan cursing Joker eight ways from Sunday. After he stepped out of the Mako, the lieutenant still felt he'd shrunk a few dozen centimeters. Logic dictated that he blame it on the Ilosian gravity difference, but a growing part of him still wanted to check for missing parts.

Kaidan wasn't able to continue contemplating the matter until later - after the crushing landing, after the slamming door of Saren's base, after multitudes of geth had descended upon them through the vines of planet Ilos. It was as though the trees themselves were giving birth to their adversaries and knowingly concealing the crew's primary objective. For hours it seemed, the lieutenant and his commander had labored hard beside Vakarian and nar Rayya, slamming geth into stone barriers and blowing apart their mechanical brains. But now... now there was silence. Now there was too much time to think.

Not a single processor stirred as the air that should have housed a host of tropical birds descended upon the fatigued team. The dense atmosphere made each breath a task and made recovery from exertion all the farther off. Even cooled by his suit's environmental systems, Kaidan could feel the oppressive heat of the planet. It blurred his vision as he read the combat radar output one more time. It wasn't the lack of hostile signals that made him feel either his unit or his vision was defective. It was the fact that he couldn't read the hardsuits standing next to him that really gave him pause. The signal was effectively scrambled. For the moment, he not only had no idea what was coming for them, but he also lacked a lay of the land. He had no idea where they were.

To the lieutenant's side, Tali and Shepard conferred quietly over a shared omni-tool display while Garrus surveyed the horizon through the scope of his rifle.

"You down too?" The commander asked as she looked up to Kaidan's position.

He nodded. "Everything reads functional, but there's just nothing there. Could be something in the atmo or it could be some leftover Prothean tech put to good use for the home team."

"Look at these ruins - still so intact after so many centuries. Their builders must have had access to incredible knowledge..." Tali trailed off wistfully as she scanned the area.

"But how do we use them to find Saren?" Shepard's query was part command and part contemplation as her eyes too trailed the verdant expanse, seeking an alternative route to her only goal at the moment.

* * *

Even in the Mako, the trek toward Saren's back door was difficult. Something in the air wore on the lieutenant's nerves, grinding them down until only years of training kept him from snapping at his allies. The close quarters did not help. Beside him, Shepard gritted her teeth as she steered through meters upon meters of jungle flora. Behind him, Garrus and Tali sat on edge, rarely moving and never speaking.

Relief, in the form of a long path of cleared ruins, crashed into view and Kaidan drew an easy breath. Barely had it escaped his body though when a shimmering blue barrier manifested into place behind the Mako, effectively locking the crew in a narrow hall too far away from their objective. There was nowhere left to go now but forward. Forward to answers, to and end to this madness, to... another puzzle.

As the crew stepped out into the ancient hall, a floating, spiraling memory of a Prothean that once was cycled before them. To Kaidan it was as though tangible streams of orange data drifted through the air, nearly taking form. Each time his eye thought it had a fix on what a Prothean might have looked like, the image changed, reconstructing itself into another blurred, but not entirely amorphous blob. It was like watching a vid through tremendously weak transmission signal except the audio was coming in crystal clear.

"I do not sense the taint of indoctrination on any of you, unlike the other who passed by recently. Perhaps there is still hope." The voice of the VI was like electric gravel, neither warm nor cold in its timbre.

"The other?" Shepard's question was closer to a growl than a query as frustration laced her voice.

"You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years, but to stop it - you must understand or you will make the same mistakes we did."

The lieutenant felt his commander's tension pull him a little closer to the edge of anger. The weary team had pushed on for too long on this planet, their stay lengthened unnecessarily by dead ends and wrong turns. It was little short of a miracle of training that they weren't at each other's throats by now. To come that far only for a riddle...

"Understand!? I've been trying to understand since I found myself looking down at a body of a human husk on Eden Prime. Many of my people are missing or dead - including several of my crew. The armies I should have had at my back skittered away just after a giant machine tells me it is the apocalypse of all religions. What do I need to understand? What do I need to do to kill this thing!?" Shepard's hands clenched at empty air as she held herself back from attempting VI strangulation.

To Kaidan's right, Vakarian and nar Rayya stiffened at the wrenching outburst, but were silent.

The commander gathered herself as the VI whirred in pensive silence. When she spoke again, Shepard's voice was thick with resolve and seemed to hang heavily in her throat before hitting the air. "What happens after I kill Saren?"

The answer was quick and clinical. "If you kill the tainted one, then a new general will rise to lead the armies. He is not necessary to the Reapers, only a tool."

Shepard tensed for a moment then was silent as she took in the new information that she had already somehow known and pushed back.

The lieutenant took a step forward. The strength he found in his voice surprised him as he lifted his head to the VI vortex, "What do we need to know to stop the Reapers? How do they attack?"

"The Citadel is the center of your civilization as it was ours. It is the strongest single link between your nations across the reaches of your solar systems."

Garrus flared his mandibles, "The Citadel is the most heavily fortified location in known space. Any attacks on it would be pure suicide."

"Any outside attacks." Tali's quiet voice chimed into the relative darkness of the VI enclave. "On the Flotilla, we are harassed by outside ships, yes, but we are seldom fired upon. Those are not the attacks we fear most. Any contamination to the water supply or rip in the air filtration systems would be more disastrous than any artillery damage."

Vakarian turned slowly, contemplation painting his face as he did so. "Are you suggesting that the great weapon of the Reapers is food poisoning?"

"No." The VI voice invaded Kaidan's ears as he watched nar Rayya for her answer. The effect was unsettling. "The Citadel is the trap. It is an enormous mass relay that links directly to dark space.

Shepard inhaled sharply. "The Reapers can wipe out the Council and the Citadel fleet in a single surprise attack!"

For the first time, the VI's voice changed. It seemed sullen somehow. "That was our fate. Our leaders were dead before we even realized we were under attack. The Reapers seized control of the Citadel and through it, the mass relays."

"All those colonies..." The commander glared down into the orange fragment of Prothean technology. "I can't let that relay be activated." Her eyes roamed downward, beyond the glittering image and to the hardwired core of the console that held the soul of this being. "We're going to need you to be a little more forthcoming..."

The VI flickered briefly as though its energy source was waning. "Within my program are files that will direct you to the Conduit, our own small scale relay, and will override Citadel security, giving you temporary control. You will do what you must."

Shepard nodded and pried open the protective casing that had obscured the team's access to the VI files directly. As her able hands worked, Kaidan found he couldn't shake a certain worry... "You had said there was another. Did you give him access to these files as well?"

"He did not need it. He has..." The vortex flickered once more. "the Keepers."

Suddenly, the lieutenant found himself staring into an electrical void. As Shepard raised her head from the console to survey the new commands added to her omni-tool, Kaidan realized the VI was no more.

"What did he mean about the Keepers?" The voice in the darkness was Tali's.

"It means we've no time to waste." The commander's body was half into the Mako before her words had fully fallen onto her crew's ears, but they didn't need to understand her to follow her lead.

Kaidan soon found himself vaulting through time and space in an exit as violent as their arrival. Feet still straddled the threshold of the vehicle as Shepard floored the accelerator. Metal and flesh jolted through the fading blue barrier before them, flying towards a destination unknown. Vague impressions of words thudded against the lieutenant's ears as his own heartbeat roared over them.

"Joker, get the _Normandy_ to the Citadel _now!_"

The lieutenant didn't hear a reply, but the words continued.

"Do _not_ question me, Moreau. You have her there and have her ready to dance."

For a moment, relative silence descended upon the ground crew. A dual-toned voice behind Kaidan put words to the question in the lieutenant's head, battling the Mako's suspension to be heard. "Where are we headed, Shepard? The base was to the South."

"He's not at the base anymore, Garrus. He's at the Citadel and I know just the Conduit to take us there."


	30. Victory, Failure

Sideways. Everything in the Citadel was sideways. Yet for Kaidan, who had two feet firmly planted on the wall, it seemed almost normal. Normal - except that most of what he could see was on fire.

The drive in - if it could be called that - had ended rather abruptly when the Mako smashed through the Presidium's false sky and parked itself nicely perpendicular to the waters below. Actually, Shepard had parked it, but it was such a surprisingly graceful move - given the circumstances - that the lieutenant was hard pressed to fit it in with his view of his commander's driving style. On further inspection, Kaidan found that the Mako itself didn't seem to be worse for the wear of its unusual journey. More depressingly, he realized that neither did the Citadel. The crew's crash landing hadn't made much of a dent in the wreckage that had preceded them.

"Everyone alright?" Shepard's voice crackled over the comms as she scanned the scene from the other side of the Mako.

Kaidan and Garrus were quick to reply in the affirmative, but there was only silence where a third voice should have been.

The commander turned sharply, crouching to see into the armored vehicle. "Tali, respond."

"I'm fine, Shepard. One of the seals of my suit cracked when we landed. I've blocked off the area, but I need to check the other seals for damage."

The comms hissed dead air as the commander evaluated their situation. Metallic footsteps echoed behind the team. "We need to move. Vakarian, can you defend this position?"

Garrus shifted his gaze across the corridor and nodded. "We'll rendezvous with you in the Council Chamber just after I whitewash this hall with geth blood."

As the turian expanded his sniper rifle across the Mako's hood, Shepard turned to her lieutenant. The tone, when she spoke again, was laced with dark promise. "Let's go upload a virus into the Council terminal."

* * *

Embers fell in dream-like cascades as the lieutenant and his commander stormed up the narrow passages leading to the top of the Presidium tower. A metallic screech set Kaidan's nerves on edge as he missed his footing along the wall. _Get up. Keep going. Those synthetic bastards aren't far behind you._ Shepard's feet were already ahead of him, pounding their way to the only victory they could hope for. With effort, the lieutenant closed the gap wrapping them both in a shimmering, blue barrier as the first pings of gunfire ricocheted off of the Citadel bulkheads. No shot would breach Shepard's shields - not on his watch. Whatever it took, she would reach the top alive.

Open space flooded in around them. _Almost there. _Trees captured in synthetic stands rushed by. _Just a little longer. _The fountain where he had... _Almost. _The stairs._ There._

Saren.

The rogue Spectre, who had become the sole object of Kaidan's enmity stood at the Council terminal, the primary hub of the Citadel, clicking commands with metallic claws. It never could have been easy.

Before him, Shepard slowed, never once releasing the turian from the sights of her HMWP VII as she approached. She had just begun to unleash verbal hell upon her target when a clicking black disc skittered across the floor between the two Spectres. Kaidan caught only the sight of his commander's boot tips as he dove for cover.

Cra-boom!

The explosion sent his ears ringing, casting Saren's voice in a demonic pitch as he rose up on his hovering platform, taunting them. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard. Soon Sovereign will take control of this station and the Reapers will reign again!"

"Sovereign hasn't won yet! I can stop him from taking control of the Citadel - from taking control of you." Pinned behind the stairwell, Shepard's position was weak, but her voice was strong.

The turian appeared to ponder a moment. Unfortunately, it was the same sort of pondering that was usually accompanied by the twirling of a mustache. "You really believe you can stop this. They have molded an excellent pawn out of you - impressive considering the rampant insolence of your species."

Shepard was barely restraining herself. "What are you talking about? The Reapers will kill everyone - even you. Why would you kneel before your own extinction?"

Saren floated closer, a stone's throw away from Shepard. Kaidan tensed while the turian leaned in, offering a clean shot to the lieutenant. His finger squeezed down as a flicker of motion caught his eye. To Kaidan's left, his commander motioned for him to stand down. He didn't understand, but still he followed orders.

"Is that your best attempt to sway me, Shepard?" Saren jeered as he continued to ignore the lieutenant. "Will you regale me with tales of my brother and how I might make him proud to stand and fight the good fight? Don't you think I've considered all the odds? There is no stopping this - not from this side."

There was motion again from the commander's fingers so subtle Kaidan almost didn't see it. She didn't wait for confirmation from him before shouting again to the enemy. "You can't possibly think they've reserved some special place for you."

The lieutenant braced himself against the stairwell, awaiting his moment.

Shepard continued, her voice strong, confidant, and disgusted, "Look at yourself, all the power your believe you have is theirs and they will take it away the moment they don't need you anymore."

And then he was moving. Kaidan sprung away from the wall, sprinting toward the console behind Saren._ Just a little further..._ He was just sliding into cover beside it when the air seemed to crush in around his throat, lifting him skyward. In truth, it wasn't the air, but a rather large turian fist that held him painfully aloft. Slowly, the fingers of agony pushed forward, painting the lieutenant's muscles in burning red.

"Kaidan!!" Shepard's cry echoed across the chamber, but as the world began to blacken and he did not see her again, the lieutenant assumed it was only in his head. Strange how the crumpled armor pushing against his throat still seemed to chafe in the blissful peace that was enfolding him.

_Dammit, soldier! Fight! _

Kaidan opened his eyes, but there was nothing to see but embers. The embers from the Presidium remained, burned into his eyes and floated in a see of sparkling darkness. He lifted a hand. It was too heavy. Something primal in the back of his mind reached out, lifting his hand for him in what he could only imagine would be a field of blue. The hand was not empty. Blindly Kaidan took aim at his destruction and fired. The results were not as he expected.

Snap. Pop. Crackle.

Waves of sharp, pulsing energy shot through the lieutenants veins. The lieutenant was vaguely aware of his own body jerking and thrashing without his consent, but it was so far away.

"Kaidan! Can you hear me?" An angel looked down upon the lieutenant. She was beautiful in some sort of orange glow...

_Shepard_, Kaidan thought. Then he thought no more.

* * *

"Make sure he's dead." A female voice. It was, wasn't it? It was so... floaty.

"If he wasn't before, that deep fry you gave his circuits certainly did the trick. Most of his body is ash, Shepard." Another voice, multi-tonal like itself and an echo combined. Familiar.

Wait - ash?

Experimentally, Kaidan began pushing life into his furthest extremities, willing them to move. _They were still there weren't they?_ They felt as though they were still there. _Move. Dammit soldier, move._ He was on his hands and knees. He didn't remember getting there or crawling to the edge of the floor, feeling the rough surface of the wall with his palms. He felt sick as though he couldn't shake some twisted dream and it was somehow infecting him. Then he was standing.

"The commands have been uploaded into the system, Commander. We have control." Tali. Kaidan recognized Tali's voice. She was alive and apparently doing better than he was.

"Can we close the arms?" The first voice. It was... Shepard.

"Negative, Commander," Garrus responded as he paced the platform, sweeping his gaze from the outside view to the quarian at the Council terminal. "Sovereign's already inside. We should be able to activate the turret system though. I doubt any damage we do to the station would be worse than the Reapers."

_Could we be too late?_ Kaidan pulled himself toward the group at the terminal.

"Turret system is at fifty percent, but there are too many... ships... so much debris. I can't get a lock on the Reaper vessels! ...but I can do this..." Tali punched commands rapidly into the console, finishing only as a red glow began to emanate to the platform from the sky outside.

Joker's voice buzzed through Shepard's comms as the lieutenant drew near. "It's shields are down! Now's our chance!"

Shots rang out from all angles. Everything from Callie torpedoes to GARDIAN lasers seemed to explode in the strangest set of fireworks the crew had ever seen. And then darkness descended as though a large chunk of the sky had come loose. The shadow expanded, filling the room, as the debris hurtled toward the Council Chambers. Kaidan couldn't move.

"Go!" Shepard spun around ready to follow her crew to cover. Instead a quiet 'oof' hissed out of her mouth as she collided with her lieutenant. Together they slammed into the ground. There was no time to move. The sky was already upon them.

* * *

_Author's Note: I didn't realize until after I finished this that in the entire chapter Kaidan doesn't actually say anything, but still it works. Wonder what that means. Anyway, apologies for the delay, but hey... we're almost there. Question is... do I continue this into ME2 or not? Many thanks to Sinvraal for her wonderful editing advice and to RICARD and Cate Lynn for listening to me whine about being blocked on this chapter. I think it all worked out for the best and hopefully you readers feel the same way. Cheers to you all!_


	31. Heavy Burden, Lifted

Kaidan opened his eyes, but the world was still dark. There were shapes to the darkness - grey ridges above the black voids. A dull pain pulsed red before his eyes, letting the lieutenant know that he should not try to move his right leg anytime soon. The pain was good. It meant the leg was still there - still potentially useful. His left leg troubled him. There was no pain there and, though he tried mightily, he could feel no movement. _It's alright_, he told himself, _It could just be wedged in too tightly to move right now. No need to panic. Easy. They will come if you can keep it together._

After accounting for ten fingers and two arms, Kaidan's sense of recent memory broke through the fog. _Shepard._ Instinctively, he checked for a suit readout that wasn't there. Whatever had happened to him before had fried the entire system. The lieutenant reached out, tentatively probing for the other hardsuit that should be within his limited reach.

"Shepard," Kaidan tried. His voice croaked miserably as the tomb of rubble pushed against his efforts. "Can you hear me?"

He waited. When the span of time he considered long enough had elapsed, he began counting seconds. _She's fine. You came through relatively alright with only a thoroughly damaged suit as a barrier. She should be much better off, shouldn't she?_

"Shepard, dammit. Answer me." The lieutenant brushed aside random bits of rubble beneath his fingers because it felt like a useful thing to do. The impotent quiet was beginning to tear at his last line of calm.

Coughing. Kaidan froze. _Was it..? No, it wasn't him._ "Shepard!"

"How long was I out?" came the hoarse, mumbled reply.

Relief coursed over the lieutenant as a wave of muted laughter. It hurt so much, yet felt so good. "I have no idea."

"Did we win?" Shepard's voice was growing stronger, benefiting from her hardwired medical exoskeleton.

"You killed 'em dead, Commander." Kaidan didn't care if he didn't make sense. She was alive!

Shepard chuckled quietly, but it didn't last long. "God, Kaidan, when you dropped out I thought... "

"I'm fine." _Liar._ "I'm not saying it's something I'd like to experience again anytime soon, but it worked - whatever you did. What _did_ you do?"

"Overloaded his circuits. Never thought I'd be crashing a turian today." The pile of wreckage shifted slightly as Shepard tested her range of motion. "Can you move at all?"

_Move? You're alive. If you asked I could fly._ Kaidan shook his head slightly. Delusions. Not a good sign. "I'm pinned, Commander."

The heap of debris shifted sharply as Shepard strained carefully against the overwhelming weight. "I can move a little, but it seems it's best if I don't. We are lucky, lucky bastards, Alenko. By rights, we should be decorating the floor right now."

Kaidan swiftly blocked the image from his mind. _Something useful. Think of something useful._ "The weight must be at least partially carried by the bits of Sovereign along our sides. Unfortunately, that little break we caught is keeping us trapped here."

In the quiet that fell between them, the lieutenant flexed his fingers along a piece of what he assumed had been the ceiling. _You're not trapped. This is all fine._ His hand jerked away from the metal as something moved on top of it. Fingers.

Shepard grasped the lieutenant's hand in hers, "They'll come, Kaidan. We'll get out of here."

"And if they don't?" His voice sounded strained even to himself. "What if it's too late, Commander? What if Sovereign was only the beginning and we've lost?"

"Then I would be honored to spend my last moments with you, Kaidan." Shepard's voice was soft and warm like the best summer memories that soon floated away. "But that's not going to happen today. Can you lift any of this with your biotics?"

The word biotics sounded funny to the lieutenant as though it was a wild animal his commander was approaching for the first time. He'd have to think on that later. Now, there was the hard truth. "I don't think that would be a good idea. When you did... When you overloaded the geth wiring in Saren, I'm fairly certain it fried my amp as well."

There was a stunned silence. Kaidan could almost picture Shepard's expression though her voice was a little more subdued than he imagined. "I didn't take that into accou- Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Funny how the more times he reassured her, the more he believed himself. "But it looks like we'll have to sit this one out."

It was quiet again. The lieutenant didn't know how long it lasted, but with Shepard's hand in his, it was more than bearable. He had actually begun to doze off when the commander spoke up again.

"Kaidan?" Shepard's voice was quiet and lacking some of the punch he'd come to expect from her.

"Hm? Commander?" Sleep was calling, beckoning to him. It would take the pain away.

The darkness pushed again at his foggy mind, asking hesitantly, "Why did you kiss me?"

The lieutenant blinked, trying in vain to see the woman trapped with him in the rubble. He was definitely awake now. "You know the answer to that, Shepard."

"I think I hit my head on the way down." The earlier caution fell away. The commander's voice was now like a cat ready to pounce on her captive audience.

"So you need me to refresh your memory, is that it?" Kaidan sighed. "Did you know this wasn't the first time we were stationed together - not exactly anyway. You used to walk down those halls with your head held high, but not rigid like the other recruits. It wasn't there because someone told you it should be, but because that was the best way for you to see whatever it was you were thinking at the time." He laughed softly to himself, "You nearly walked right into Admiral Hackett once, but just a few moments before you wove your way around him with such grace that he was none the wiser. You're different, Shepard. You always have been."

She was silent, waiting for him to continue and he did, recounting so many ways the remarkable woman had touched him.

"I had this plan, that last night before Ilos, to really make it count. I even walked up to your door, but it seemed someone had beat me to the punch. When I found you again... I just got lost."

"Lieutenant Alenko, were you planning to seduce your superior officer? I didn't think you were the type." It was the verbal equivalent of an arched brow. Shepard was amused. It wasn't the reaction the lieutenant had hoped for, but he'd take it.

"After this, I think it'll be pretty low on the list for our courts-martial." He was blushing, but she couldn't see it. The darkness was empowering.

"Over here! I think I've found them!" The owner of the voice was indiscernible, but still it was the voice of rescue. Except Kaidan wasn't sure he wanted it to come now.

Ship parts and building debris shifted around the _Normandy_ couple as a crew above them worked to clear it out. The first face the lieutenant could see was that of Captain Anderson. With a chunk of black starship in his hands, the older man looked utterly relieved - relieved and then mildly amused. Kaidan realized he was still holding Shepard's hand. Reluctantly, he pulled away. There would be enough questions to answer without adding scandal to the fire.

* * *

Kaidan woke up in the too-bright environment of a medical bay. At least, he assumed that's what it was. Most med bays he'd been in didn't have large sections of wall missing. _How did he get here?_ He didn't remember passing out or climbing out of the ruins in the Council Chamber, but he must have done both. The lieutenant tried to sit up, but a small hand pressed against his chest, urging him back toward the bed. He smiled as he just made out the image of a cute redhead through the haze of his mind. Unfortunately, laying back cleared his vision, revealing not Shepard but... "Dr. Michel, how long have I- Shepard is she alright?"

The doctor laughed quietly. "Rest now, Lieutenant Alenko. Shepard will be fine. As will you, if you were wondering."

Her answer only provoked more questions. "How-"

"Rest." Dr. Michel pushed firmly against his chest then turned away to adjust something on the console to her right. Then she was gone and Kaidan began feeling awfully... shiny. No, that wasn't the right word... His head was too heavy. It sunk of its own accord into the pillows below.

"Care to hook me up with any of that?" Shepard.

The lieutenant opened his eyes. When did he close them? "Hey, Commander."

"I think we're a little beyond titles now, don't you?" Shepard sat on the edge of the bed. Her left arm rested in a sling and the lieutenant couldn't quite see the old scars on her face below the new cuts, but still she looked beautiful.

She was waiting for a response. Kaidan didn't have one. "What happened to you?"

Shepard smiled. "A sentient alien ship and some idiot fell on me. Actually, I think you took the worst of it - my hero."

Kaidan knew there was subtext to that statement, but it didn't stop him from grinning like the idiot she described him to be. Something was happening though. She was becoming fuzzy at the edges - fading away.

The commander turned to look at something behind her then leaned forward. Her hands combed through her lieutenant's hair as she placed a kiss on his forehead. "You play nice with those drugs now. I have to go kill some politicians with my mind."

Then she was gone. He was still smiling. It would hurt tomorrow.


	32. What Was, What Could Be

There was no advance in modern medicine that could compensate for an overworked doctor. In the days following Sovereign's fall, crewmen of all rank and species were rushed from ship to ship and ward to ward, inundating every survivor with medical training from clinical physicians and ship doctors to field medics and proficient students. As a result, the post-battle ceremony more closely resembled the end of a horror vid than the dignified affair the politicians seemed to want it to be.

The Council was speaking now - words of sacrifice, duty, and honor. Their faces were clear and passive, their words hollow as they described the victory. They were drowned out by the silent presence of all the wounded gathered in what was left of the Presidium. The scars that had only begun to form on their faces gave their own speech for those who had been aboard the more than twenty vessels lost. The Shenyang, The Jakarta, The Cairo... Those were only the most recent losses and the beginning of the count of too many dead. Private Bhatia, Admiral Kahoku, Corporal Jenkins, Liara...

Lieutenant Alenko dropped his eyes to the ground. He wanted nothing more than to leave this mockery and retreat into his own private battle with another hundred ghosts that would never truly leave him be. Instead he turned off the impulse, burying it deep within layers of habit and duty. He watched numbly as Shepard received the Star of Terra, watched as anonymous hands pinned a commendation on his chest, then watched as all of the assembled crew drifted away. They looked more like virtual characters than people to him now - nameless, faceless obstacles to be avoided.

Stiffly, the lieutenant made his way down the small flight of stairs connecting the ceremony platform to the main floor. From that point, progress consisted mostly of waiting. The few spaces in the crowd that allowed movement seemed to grow fewer and fewer as the mass of weary soldiers collected at the exits.

A muffled, metallic bump to his left announced Joker's arrival at his side. Unceremoniously, the pilot flicked several fingers against the brace on Kaidan's leg as he mimicked an old communicator with his other hand. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for... No wait, it's just one small step. Not exactly rocket booster hardware, is it?"

Moreau's comment was irreverent at best, completely unrelated to the grave situation at hand, and exactly what Kaidan needed. A raw smile cracked through his stony features without permission. "Give me some time with it and it'll fly."

The two stood a while, silently observing the rows of uniforms that funneled out of the room. Occasionally, Joker's mouth twitched as though compelled toward some comment or other that was promptly killed by the mood of the room. It wasn't until only a half dozen other souls remained that he spoke again. "So... I'm supposed to give you this message."

When the pilot didn't continue Kaidan's eyes flicked downward to the little illuminated screen in Joker's hand. There was something there he couldn't quite... an encrypted message. It could have been anything from a lowly prank to a change of orders, but the mystery of it pulled him in. The datapad was in his hands before he consciously thought about it. Somewhere outside the tunnel of his concentration, Alenko was aware of the pilot leaving. The words 'good luck' drifted in the air behind him just as the lieutenant's cipher clicked into place.

Me revoici dans ce bar enfumé.

Palaven on Zakera. 2100.

Reservation Harmon.

As predictable as a scene from an old romance vid, Kaidan checked the time then the room around him. The crowd around him had dispersed completely. He didn't need to hurry. Even moving as slowly as he was now, he still had a few long moments for himself.

* * *

It was 21:03 when the somber lieutenant in civilian dress stepped through the door of the predominantly turian establishment. A VI behind the counter trilled a greeting as she scanned Kaidan's ID. "Good evening, Mister Kaeding. Miss Harmon is expecting you. Please follow the blue lights on the floor to your table."

Kaeding? He paused a moment to study the virtual hostess. She showed no outward signs of a virus, but how had...? In a moment Kaidan's fears were quelled. The reservation in a nearly empty venue, the aliases, the hacked VI, it all pointed to her. He had interpreted the message correctly, but what was he to expect now?

The glowing sapphire beacons along the aisle soon lead to a corner booth where an off-duty engineer sat spinning a bottle of Serrice Ice between her fingers.

"Shepard," Kaidan half-whispered.

The bottle stopped spinning. Eyes that seemed to drink in the brandy before them looked up with a small smile. "That's Daiann to you, Mister Kaeding."

The lieutenant slid into his seat as he tried to reconcile the woman in the red dress before him with the image of his commander. "Should I ask who I am to you then, Miss Harmon?"

She winked conspiratorially. "You are very special to me, Raeth."

Kaidan combed a hand back through his hair as he tried to relax into the booth. "I think the last time I went by another man's name, I was six."

Shepard smiled. Her voice was warm and playful, an old friend. "Who were you then?"

"Rear Admiral Grissom at your service, ma'am." The lieutenant chuckled as he snapped off a quick salute. His face was burning red, but somehow he just didn't care. It was over. It was done. They were alive together.

"That's an ambitious dream for a six year old. I believe all I aspired to be at that time was someone who didn't feed chickens on a daily basis." The smile left her face, but not her eyes as the commander reached an open palm halfway across the table.

There was only silence as Kaidan grasped her hand, cupping it between both of his. There was nothing small or dainty about her fingers. He would have been disappointed if there was. But they were cold. "So Shepard... Daiann... who are we hiding from in a lounge lacking both patrons and waiters?"

"Ourselves." The imp in lady's clothing hung a crooked smile upon her face. "Well, that and Miss Westerlund News, Ambassador Weasel, Brass in general... I thought we could use some time to be other people for a while - people with less complicated lives, people who kiss in public."

The commander's chilly fingers felt suddenly frigid as Kaidan's own burned in sync with the heartbeat in his ears. It would only be momentary if he didn't focus on it... "I don- I don't really think anyone has a life that's all that more simple than ours, just different."

"Different is enough. If were just co-workers - computer technicians who worked in the same firm perhaps - then this could be a proper date." Shepard withdrew her fingers to pull them back through her hair. "As it is, I feel like we need to pack a few years worth of missed opportunities into one brief leave."

The lieutenant felt a smile creep across his face. It was unusual to see his commander flustered by something less menacing than a vorchan peace conference. Generally, that was his job. "I guess that would explain the dress then." He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but her reaction was worth it.

Angel eyes quickly looked down then attempted to abstain from looking down again. "That's one possible explanation, I suppose. The more likely one involves a very insistent gunnery chief who, oddly enough, takes threats of excruciating pain very well."

Kaidan was still laughing when the lights dimmed to a pre-twilight level. The gracious VI who had met him at the door made a shaky appearance at their table console. "Reconstruction efforts have required the use of primary power from all non-essential facilities adjacent to damage sites. All guests are asked to follow the blue markers to the exits located at the front and rear of this establishment."

A swishing motion in the shadows indicated a shake of the head from Shepard's direction. "There's just something about me that this universe does not like."

As they moved toward the exit and his fingers brushed against her shoulder, the lieutenant found the commander was much closer than he'd thought. "At least we don't need to pay the bill for the food we didn't eat."

"You've been spending far too much time with Joker." Shepard laughed as she lifted her lieutenant's hand from her arm. The ripples of her merriment echoed through Kaidan's fingertips as his commander pressed a light kiss against them.

* * *

A strange sense of duty seemed to fall over the lieutenant as he emerged into the corridor outside Palaven with Shepard. There was a part of him that wanted to take his commander by the hand and run down the halls, but it seemed to be hiding beneath the shadow of the real world. The faces of the unnamed asari still going about business as though this day was any day brought a sense of surrealism to what he had just been doing. This wasn't his life, it was a stolen season. Slowly, he turned to face his commander. "Shepard, I..."

Her face was open, compassionate, and simply beautiful. This wasn't in the realm of normal for her either, but somehow she'd worked out a place for him. He decided then that even if it was just for a few moments, he needed to fill that place. Without breaking her gaze, he leaned in, edging upon the precipice of a kiss as he drew them both into the corner of the hall - into the shadows. Her lips were smooth and warm, their texture electric. It became as though he was sinking into her, feeding upon the shadow of blessed imperfection, sharing in all that she had to give and giving of himself in return.

It was only seconds, only a kiss that had to end. He ached for it to be so much more. "I never thought we'd make it this far," he whispered.

His commander nodded. "Being certain you are about to die certainly puts a new spin all the life you never thought you'd have to live, doesn't it?"

"That's not what- Yes, yes it does." Kaidan closed his eyes. Somehow what he wanted seemed suddenly less terrifying. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. "Shepard, bunk with me tonight."

* * *

_Author's Note: To be continued... _

_Me revoici dans ce bar enfumé = Here I am again in this smoky place/bar - as according to Billy Joel_


	33. Red Light, Slow Dance

The only room the lieutenant had been able to find in the havoc of the Citadel was two-step away from Flux with red fluorescent signs for hallway lights. Kaidan had the feeling that even though the place looked like a shipwreck, it wasn't recent events that had made it this way. There was a general gloom to the place that had settled in over the years. It had settled into the cracked walls, the bristled carpet, and the air duct over head that he could swear was laughing at him.

The lieutenant checked the time again. 23:20 - just under an hour since he'd left her and almost another to go before she would return to him. He could do better.

Smiling to himself, Kaidan opened a private comm channel. "Joker, need a little assistance here."

The voice that responded wasn't the pilot's and it was definitely laughing at him. "You forget how to take shore leave, LT?"

"I'm... a little more used to arranging these situations in places that are fully intact, Ash." It hit him then that he couldn't remember the last time he'd been somewhere that had remained intact for the duration of his visit.

"Excuses! Lucky for you we are way ahead of you." There was a general shuffling on the non-visible end of the comm line.

This was followed by giggling and a much more masculine voice. "You should probably excuse my partner in crime here - or not. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't if you know what I mean - give me something over her."

Kaidan winced. "That isn't exactly what I'd classify as help, Joker... or a very pleasant mental image."

"Muah haha. My plan is falling perfectly into place. Seriously, I've had a ton of time to work this one out given that we're grounded again and all. These repair teams they keep pulling in are such slackers - punching out at at 2300 after only a ten hour day, tsk." the pilot paused, leaving plenty of emphasis on the dead silence. If the air could waggle it's eyebrows, he'd made it happen.

"Moreau, as your superior officer, I order you to cease and desist your plotting of my social life... but thank you." The lieutenant was none to happy to close the link as the other end exploded into laughter.

* * *

23:50. Kaidan sat on the edge of Shepard's bed then immediately stood back up again. Visions of pilots and gunnery chiefs danced through his head. That combined with an unjustified fear of a very angry commander... or an unsatisfied one... _Augh!_ He clutched his head. There had to be a better way - a better place. An eternity in a minute later, his much-wished for moment of clarity arrived. There was, at least, a better place. The lieutenant activated his omnitool and typed out a short message to his commander.

Con te partirò su navi per mari, che io lo so.

Debriefing & Communication Room

Operation Sim: Embrace Eternity.

* * *

23:57. Vowing not to check the time once more, Kaidan waited just inside the comm room, the very image of restrained impatience. He hadn't realized he was holding his breath until it escaped out of him as the doors to his left hissed open. There was no more red gown for Shepard. It was something darker, closer to casual dress. He liked it better though he didn't pause long enough to take it in fully.

The commander strode past him, two steps into the room. Lingering behind, the lieutenant was aware that was she was alert to his presence and possibly his next set of actions, but he had a plan and he would see it through. Shepard turned toward him. He stepped to the right, tracing her shadow. She didn't turn a second time, choosing instead to follow him with a turn of her head. Kaidan shifted slowly closer to his commander, straying just out of reach of her keen peripheral vision before he draped his hands over her eyes.

It was too late of an action to preface the unveiling of a surprise within the room. She'd already seen the changes he'd made to it. Shepard tensed. Her hands moved toward his for the third time that night. They were warm and soft against her lieutenant's fingers, but firmly insistent that he move his hands away. So far, this half-plan was going far better than it had in his mind. She hadn't hit him yet.

Kaidan obliged, trailing the fingertips of one hand down his commander's arm as the other rested upon her shoulder. He led her hand to the light control of the room. Together, they brought a few shades of intimate darkness to their temporary sanctuary.

"Shepard," Kaidan murmured as he brought his lips lightly down along the curve of her neck, "It's been a long time since I've..."

He didn't know what he'd meant to say. It was lost as the warmth of the commander's shoulder became the sweet softness of her lips. He soon forgot the plan, wanting nothing more than to continue tasting the woman in his arms. Awash in enthralling affection, they tumbled toward the little bed he'd created on the floor.

Kaidan was looking down at Shepard, his arms holding him up on either side of her, when a little voice crackled to life in his head. It reminded him of the second chance he might not get and the image of his commander he'd conjured earlier. Strangely, it also sounded a lot like Joker.

"Stay," he whispered to the woman below him.

Shepard blinked as a small frown creased her face. Kaidan leaned down on one elbow as he caressed the confusion away. It was times like this when he was glad that he didn't truly need his hands - well, not really. They could remain almost entirely otherwise occupied as he asked another task of them. The hand of his weight-bearing arm clenched and released, assisting him in bringing the small strip of cloth to him from across the room without the unpleasant need to leave Shepard's side.

Feigning ignorance of the floating restraint-to-be, the lieutenant moved his hands to trace the thin veins of his commander's wrists. Slowly, he caressed his way into position to lock his commander's arms down. In the dim light, Shepard's eyes challenged him. Then they were covered by a small strip of darkness as fabric fell from the 'sky'. His machinations weren't enough to keep his commander at bay should she decide to truly fight him, but it was an exercise in trust as well as... more fascinating, memorable things.

Kaidan's lips brushed again against Shepard's, hovering on the edge of satisfaction, but never truly fulfilling it. It became a game then. A game into which the lieutenant poured years of watching, wanting, and waiting. His commander would remain passive for a few moments, reciprocating his gentle touches in kind, but she was a woman who was used to being in charge, used to giving every situation her all. There were moments that broke her patience, moments where she pushed toward taking her lieutenant's lips in full. She would win in time as the temptation built to too great a pitch, but not yet.

Still holding on, the lieutenant trailed his kisses down his commander's neck, preceding each with a small flare of crackling blue energy along her skin. Just as he reached the side of her chest, the room exploded in a tumble of bodies that were too strong to be held for long. The pair laughed together as they fought for control of the night, neither sure they wanted to win. Eventually Kaidan found himself deliciously out of breath as he looked up at an angel.

Coils of hair cascaded around Shepard's flushed face in no particular style as she bent down over her subordinate. "I think it's about time you truly served under me, lieutenant."

Any say he might have had in the matter flowed away in a tantalizing tide as she the commander nuzzled closer, purring her orders against his neck. Kaidan groaned, "Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

Morning came too soon to the _Normandy_, creeping into the windowless ship like smoke under a door. The feel of the artificial sun rising prickled against the lieutenant's skin, pushing him towards a productive day. The commander was already up, lit by an amber glow as she leaned over her omnitool. Kaidan stared a moment, unsure of how the night had changed them, but his hands knew what he was doing better than he. They slid around Shepard's waist, pulling her back into his embrace - if only for a few more seconds. "New orders, Commander?"

Her voice was lightly distracted as she continued typing. "I am giving the repair crew a nice break for the day."

Kaidan raised a brow as he studied Shepard's profile. "Didn't think they were under our authority."

"The crew is officially a joint operation of C-Sec, the Council, and the Alliance. It seems I have a little sway with our newest Alliance Council member. I just wish I could see the look on Executor Pallin's face when he tries to tell those workers there is no leave today." There was no mistaking the playful malice painted on the commander's face.

"Remind me never to make you angry." Kaidan's voice was muffled as he buried it against the commander's shoulder.

"Oh, I don't know." Shepard turned, taking her lieutenant's face in her hands. "You might like me when I'm angry."

Her kiss then was just the beginning of the morning's productive activity.

* * *

_Author's Note: The end. Sort of. There will be another chapter or two to Serving Under Shepard, however if you're the sort who will put down Princess Bride before Buttercup's horse throws a shoe, this is your stop. This is also your stop if you haven't played Mass Effect 2 yet. Really. I mean right now. Before the next sentence. The remainder to SuS will not be warm and fluffy as it will lead into a new story called Surviving Shepard. I have no idea yet when this story will happen, but true as toasted toads it will. _

_Thanks to all of you who have put up with me so far - especially my beta, Sinvraal, and those I've mentioned all too frequently before :p Thank you also to those of you who have written such beautiful things about this story and inspired me to turn what was supposed to be a one-shot into something... pretty epic for me. If I could ask you to go just one step further, vote for your favorite chapter in the poll on my profile. It'll help me figure out where I go from here - or you can toss me ideas if you like.. or y'know.. don't. Just being a reader is fully fantastic to me. I hope, as always, that the rest does not disappoint. Cheers!_

_Con te partirò su navi per mari, che io lo so... = I'll go with you on ships across the seas which I know... - according to Andrea Bocelli_


	34. Epilogue: Well Wishes

Kaidan groaned as he rolled over, reaching for a rogue pillow with the hope that it might bring him back to sleep. It was no use. His body had adjusted to the sunrise of planets in dozens of systems and the regulated feel of time in deep space, but it could not get used to the idea of sleeping in. He turned over to wish the open expanse of bed beside him a silent good morning though the overnight resident of that location had long since left for a meeting that had been deemed well above the lieutenant's pay grade.

Still fighting the idea of leaving what remnants of bliss remained, Kaidan pulled his fingers along the sheet, crumpling it against his palm. He wanted her back in that empty place beside him. Knowing now precisely what he would be without served only to drive the sting of solitude closer to his heart. He could be standing right beside his commander on their next mission and still miss her. Perhaps it would be best if he were reassigned.

As he dressed for the day, Kaidan's eyes strayed along the signs of mischief that made up their rented room. Would he be able to walk by Shepard's quarters on their next mission and not contemplate the potential uses of the bed inside? He'd managed so far, but now that he knew... The lieutenant's hands grasped empty air, remembering. He assured himself that his actions were his own. There would be no nightly visits, no hallway caresses. He dropped his shirt to the bed as he realized he would always wonder what more there could be. What would those lost seconds of thought cost him or the rest of the crew? Would he reach for her in the field when others were a priority? Had he done so already? Kaidan shook his head. There was no right answer here.

He stole one last glance around as he headed out of the room, allowing himself a moment of contentment before his smile disappeared. Poor or painful choice, there would have to be an answer before the next mission.

Lieutenant Alenko wandered through the Citadel. It wasn't usually like this. There was always a next assignment, some task that needed doing, a reason to stay on duty. But there didn't seem to be a protocol for the wake of recent events. Even the halls of the Wards seemed hushed as he walked past. The steady sound of rebuilding echoed from all sides as the Keepers scuttled to and fro, but nothing else reached his ears. There were no calls for assistance, no arguments to settle, no rogue VI's to put down...

It should have been comforting to Kaidan, but it served only to make him more restless – more unsure. Citadel survivors seemed to stare at him though most of their backs were turned. It was as though he was the only real thing in a hall of vid characters. His pace quickened as his feet took direction from the only thing giving him an obtainable goal at that moment - his stomach.

* * *

Somewhere far from the Wards, a chair screeched a complaint as an annoyed officer settled into it. "You're doing it all wrong, you know."

Kaidan grimaced as he looked up from a pile of something yellow, edible, and apparently scrambled. The pilot now occupying the seat across from him was the last person he was in the mood to converse with, but then Joker probably knew that already. He waited calmly for the punch line.

"You should be strutting around with a giant shit-eating grin right now. Geez, haven't you read the rules of getting laid?" Joker leaned back ever so slightly on his chair as a smug smile began reaching for the brim of his cap.

"I..." the lieutenant began as he jabbed a fork in the pilot's direction, "have no idea what you're talking about." He wanted to continue dwelling on his ruminations, but still the jest drew a faint smile.

"Nope. Can't pull that one on me. Not when your activities occur on my ship, but continue to play dumb if you like. I'm not the one who's running out of time." The pilot then proceeded to examine his nails with utmost fascination.

Usually when Kaidan walked into a trap, he was armed with everything from a Kessler V to a tactical plan B. Yet here was a clear trap and he had only his tongue as weapon and shield - that and the hope that if he proved to be less than entertaining, the fallout would be relatively minor. "Would you care to explain that?"

It didn't matter what the lieutenant had said, the look on Joker's face would have been the same smug, temptingly punch-able mask. "I've already settled all my dockside affairs."

Definitely tempting. "I really don't want to know about your affairs and I wish you felt the same way about mine."

The pilot grinned. "Oh the look on your face makes it all worthwhile. Really though, unless you're doing it in my chair, I honestly don't care either. ...You're not doing it in my chair, are you?"

"You've got to be kidding me."

The tired and agitated voice of Shepard broke over the lieutenant's comm, saving him from further conversation. "Alenko, meet me at Anderson's office in twenty. There's been a change of plans."

Kaidan's eyes stayed steady on the Moreau's as he answered, feeling that whatever the change in plans was, the pilot already knew about it.

Across the table, Joker's grin had been turned on full force. "We're goin' hunting."

* * *

Silently, the lieutenant glanced across the Embassy. Williams had tightened her stance to something almost statuesque. Beside her, Moreau had made lounging while standing at attention something of an art form. Pressly was somewhere behind the lieutenant, almost ghost-like in his silent observation of the projected image of Admiral Hackett. And just out of the corner of his eye Kaidan could see his commander pacing. He watched her for a good minute before realizing he had no idea what Hackett had just said to her. A twitch of displeasure pulled on Kaidan's lips. Support for the more painful version of his decision was becoming more evident than he would have liked. Still, he continued watching.

Shepard's face flickered through a dozen emotions, giving life to a dozen more unsaid responses. When she at last responded to the hologram guest in Anderson's office, only the barest thread of exasperation leaked out. "With all due respect, Admiral, I believe that the best use of our resources remains here at the Citadel - not chasing ghosts across the galaxy."

"Chasing ghosts is exactly what you are proposing, Shepard." Hackett leveled his pixelated gaze at the commander." We are still working through the wreckage. If we uncover anything of your Reapers, you will be notified. Until that time you are to quash any signs of geth uprising. We can not have another Eden Prime, another Virmire. Is that understood?"

Shepard stopped abruptly and simply stood quietly for a moment with her feet firmly planted and hands crossed behind her back. From the lieutenant's perspective it almost looked as though she were closing in on herself except for the chill that carried across the room with her stare. "Yes, sir."

A series of salutes later, the hologram faded from view leaving the key human members of Shepard's team alone with Captain-made-Councilor Anderson. "So there you have it. It won't be an easy mission, but I believe after what you've just been through it'll be like a day on leave at the beach."

"You know what would be even more like a day on leave, Captain? An actual day on leave. Now, I'm all for going back on tour early because we've certainly got some big and bad gunning for us, but this mission? It's a stunt - a show. It's-" Ash's face had become a mottled pink as her statue form trembled with the effort of not striking out at something - anything.

Anderson narrowed his gaze. "You keep that up, Williams, and you will be seeing plenty of downtime in the brig." Calmly, he shifted his attention away, allowing the chief the courtesy of an overlook. "Now, I'm sorry to have to send you out so soon, but we're short on both manpower and leadership. We should have new recruits for C-Sec to remedy the situation here, but out there... We need to show our people that it really is over even if it's just to get things working well enough to be able move on to bigger issues."

Shepard nodded, following a subtext that didn't quite make it around the room. "Geth it is then."

Williams wheeled around on her commander, incredulous. "You can't.. you.. There's nobody who wants to take it to the geth more than I do, ma'am, but while we're out there stomping on strays, there's going to be a very large army amassing that we're not ready for. I will not have all of this be in vain because someone with more brass than brains decided to believe that our very real enemy is about as deadly as the boogeyman."

"And what would you have us do right now, Ash? Comb through every history vid to find any reference to another set of Prothean ruins that no one else knows exist? Have all passing ships set their scanners to 'Prothean Beacon?' I want to go after them just as much as you to, but we need resources on our side - resources we can have once things are rebuilt. Until then, I'll make do with reminding these tin can insurgents why they should never mess with us again."

The chief's expression came together in one stormy line, her voice as sharp and quick as a formal salute. '"Aye aye, ma'am."

"Then it's settled." Anderson released in a slow breath. "The Normandy ships off at 0600 tomorrow. I don't have to tell you I expect you all to be there. Dismissed."

As the group filed out, shoulders dropped a notch below rigid and a quiet murmur began as Joker and Ash broke off for a different corridor. Behind them Pressly's voice pressed through the swish of the door, "Councilor, if you have a moment..." Then there were two.

Kaidan's eyes rose to meet his commander's. "So..."

"So." She almost smiled then, but the reality of tomorrow was just too close for either of them.

At some point they began walking. There didn't have to be a particular destination in mind for just a little while longer. In time, a creaky bench along the barren trench that used to be the Presidium lake seemed the perfect place to be. The ash of construction laid in over the pool bed in waves that lieutenant found could almost be water if he looked hard enough. He ran over it in his mind again – the lack of focus, the preferential treatment...

Somewhere in the pseudo-water, he could see himself breaking cover to run toward his commander as a trio of geth closed in. It was a rookie decision – rash, bold, and useless – one that he'd never make himself. Still he saw it as though it had already happened, felt the impact of the shots that pierced through his armor. His future vision turned red as an angel appeared over him then she too was gone. One by one he saw them all fall, faceless crewmen who held strong, but divided after the loss of their leaders. It was a bleak and unlikely path of events, but try as he might Kaidan couldn't convince himself it wouldn't happen.

Still, there was the reality that once he left the ship, it could be years before he saw her again. He could be putting a galaxy of space between them, far too much to cross in a single leave. And that was not considering the new war that could come with another Reaper attack... Forcefully, the lieutenant returned his thoughts to the present, allowing the warmth of the woman beside him to soothe his mind for a while.

Sooner or later the words would come, but later would be better.

The bench squeaked as Shepard shifted closer. "See anything interesting in your future, Alenko?"

Kaidan quirked a brow in her direction. Somewhere behind the pair, a Keeper took notice for a moment then scurried along to its next task in a series of clicks.

His commander tossed her hands palms-up over her lap. "Usually when someone looks that hard into a pond, they're either throwing chits in for wishes or trying to divine the future. I don't see any water in that well, Alenko, so what is it?"

A little smile tugged at his lips. His voice came low and soft for a moment. "Some beach somewhere..." Then the mood was gone and with it later had become sooner. "What do you see in your future, Shepard?"

For a moment there was no answer. The commander simply folded her hands behind her head and looked toward the digital mess of sky that hovered above. "Paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork."

There it was. His mind was cluttered by all that could be, would be, and should be. Hers was unshaken, focused on the task at hand. There was battle in their future, geth to slay, and strategies to create. In considering none of these, he was dead weight – damaged in a way he couldn't rely on himself to fix.

Kaidan nodded slowly. His tongue was thick in his mouth. "Speaking of paperwork, Commander, when this mission is through, I'd like to request a transfer."

* * *

_Author's Note: Many thanks to Sinvraal for handling a slew of editing work with complete grace. More to come. Joker's chair worries are courtesy of the every amusing, R-I-C-A-R-D, and most of this wouldn't have happened without his and brownc0at's help in sorting through thoughts. _


	35. Epilogue: Cold Shower

Shepard had gotten very quiet after Kaidan's request. In the days following their little lakeside chat in the Presidium, she remained in the presence of her lieutenant as little as possible. As the _Normandy_ crewed up and shipped off, Kaidan had watched Shepard move through her daily duties as though he was already gone and his continued presence onboard but a ghost of a memory. If that were the end of it he could make sense of her behavior, but then she'd sent the majority of the ground team to investigate the latest geth incursion. Her decision not to join them effectively isolated the covert lovers in a pattern of avoidance.

It had to stop. But how exactly did one address an issue that officially didn't exist? Wasn't this along the lines of what he had wanted - a return to life running smoothly? Kaidan pressed his forehead against the shower wall as water drummed against the back of his neck. What on Earth did he want now and how could he go about not screwing it up once he got it? With a sigh, he stepped out of the steady stream and reached for a towel. It didn't matter now anyway. There was work to be done.

The water clicked off behind him, but his hand hit only empty air. Standing amidst the rapidly chilling steam, the lieutenant suddenly felt very naked. _It's alright_, he thought, _not a dire situation_. He could just lift another towel from one of the other stalls. The problem was there didn't seem to be any. Cautiously, he tested the air, straining to hear any laughter before he called out his displeasure to the seemingly empty room. There were only echoes. A uniform from the lockers it would have to be then.

Kaidan was about to lift his clothing from across the room when a standard issue towel soared toward him. Layers of super-absorbent white wrapped loosely around his face, prompting an awkward sputtering from the lieutenant. The cloth projectile tasted of sterile gauze and running shorts too dirty to ever be truly washed. A corona of blue flickered around him and died as he pulled the offending object down around his waist. He would not give his laundry assailant the satisfaction of seeing him lose his temper over something so minor. No, instead there was the stern female form in the doorway to focus on. "Commander?"

"Your transfer's been approved, Alenko." Her lips twitched as though she would say something more, but nothing came. She shifted her weight back and pivoted toward the exit.

"Did they say where - Ma'am?" Kaidan drew in a few steps closer, tugging on the opportunity to discuss the elephant between them.

Snikt. The door slid shut in front of Shepard, closing her inside. She didn't quite turn back, but her voice lost just a little of the ice it had carried before. "I don't have the details yet."

The lieutenant watched his commander as he pulled his pants on. The discarded towel fell to the floor with a dejected plop. "When do we put into port next?"

"We're not due back for several weeks. Longer, if these pockets of geth prove to be a real threat." She turned then, pursed her lips, but said no more.

Kaidan continued the silence, shirt dangling from one hand, simply staring across the room. She's going to leave if you don't say something... "You understand it's not personal, right? I mean... it is, but it's not because..."

Shepard's gaze stayed on the lieutenant as he rubbed the bridge of his nose and crashed gracelessly into a seat on the bench behind him. There was something in those eyes that changed, stepped back a bit, distancing the woman from her words. "There's no denying that you've earned a change of pace, Alenko - a quiet patrol posting if that's what you want. Trouble is, we never know when any post might become the last line of defense against a batarian slave caravan or a rogue asteroid. There's only the danger you know and the devil you've yet to meet."

There wasn't much he could say to that. In fact, as Kaidan looked up at his commander, he felt certain that was the purpose of it. "Is that your official 'so you want to leave my ship' speech then?"

She tilted her head to the side, becoming somehow younger as the washroom light dropped across her cheeks. "Don't know. Never had to use it before." The devious thing Shepard called a smile returned. "Think it'd work on Joker?"

"Joker?" Kaidan arched a brow as the beginnings of mirth crept over his lips. "He'd probably permanently adhere himself to that seat if there was even a notion that someone would take his baby away."

Unborn laughter drew pleasant lines across the commander's face. "Really? Seems to me he'd follow you. I don't think he'd let his favorite source of amusement slip away easily."

"You might be right there. I-" Chuckle-filled words died on the lieutenant's lips as Corporal Johnson sauntered into the room. The broad-shouldered man was in good spirits as he twisted a towel between his hands and continued singing.

Singing? Kaidan dropped his head into his hands. Surely the must be a better word. Caterwauling, perhaps?

"...I've studied species human, asari, and sweet quarian. For all their bits and parts that make them so mouth-waterin'." Snap! The towel flicked out from under Johnson's hands. "Ain't that right, Alenko?"

Kaidan lifted his forehead from its resting place on his palm only far enough to cast a pointed gaze in Shepard's direction. There was hope yet that the corporal was not completely oblivious though his next words probably wouldn't help the situation.

The lounge-singer-in-training blinked his eyes slowly. "Oh ah, Commander. Did I enter the wrong room? Or... maybe just the wrong time perhaps - eh? eh?" The requisite eyebrows rose with each nerve-grating 'eh'.

Shepard spent a long moment assessing her sidearm. Her eyes then turned to the corporal with all the speed and attention of a tiger lying in wait. "I don't recall a towel being standard uniform about this ship, Johnson. Now I understand that you were about to shower, but you should see Murphy in requisitions about that shirt... and a new pair of shorts. Looks like you've gone down a size since the last distribution." She held her gaze low and continued staring.

Corporal Johnson scratched the back of his head for just a moment. "I need a new wha- hey! It was cold out in the halls! We're in space. It's y'know... cold."

"Alright, inspection's over gentlemen. Carry on." The locker shadows under the muted overhead lights did little to disguise the commander's smirk as she stepped through the washroom door.

To Kaidan, that seemed like the best moment to trade in his towel for a more standard issue shirt. Somewhere beneath the folds of the fabric he could hope to stifle his own snicker. Unfortunately, when he poked his head through, the blond-headed soldier was still there, sputtering. "I'm not... she's not..."

"You're only going to make it worse, Johnson." The lieutenant did have to thank the man though. His mood hadn't been this light in days. He was still smiling as the door swished shut behind him. "Not sure that was one of your better speeches, ma'am."

A few steps in front of the lieutenant, Shepard turned and regarded him pensively. "You're probably right, but it beat out 'no one can hear you scream in space' by a hair. There was also something about lepers. Come to think of it, I could have added that on..."

"Notes on space leprosy following a lecture on shrinkage?" Kaidan shook his head. "Don't sign me up for that one."

She didn't laugh. There was only that half-way there smile and the soft caress of the voice beneath the commander. "For the effort of it... it's almost a shame there wasn't more fodder."

"Ma'am?"

"Just thinking this ship won't be the same without you, K- Alenko." Her arms folded before her and the sheet of sentimental mist from moments ago drifted behind a bar of steel. "You're a damn good soldier with a unique skill set that's been critical in keeping this crew together."

Kaidan nodded, barely aware of his arms as they mimicked the commander's guarded position. "It'll be... difficult adjusting to a new crew after all this time. The experience has definitely been... irreplaceable."

Shepard's lips pursed into a tight line. The words 'I'm done with this' pressed out as she activated her comm. "Joker, has Ash's team returned?"

"That would be a negative, Commander." There was a dull, mocking tone to the pilot's voice that the lieutenant couldn't quite describe. It just seemed to say 'you should know this already, Commander'.

"Any problems planet-side?"

"More of a complete lack thereof."

Shepard shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Alert me the moment they get back then. I want to take the Mako out for a field test."

"Aye aye, Ma'am." The tone returned, echoing 'whatever you say, ma'am.'

Kaidan stared at the woman before him, rolling his tongue around his mouth in effort not to bite down on it. She was running away. Batarians? Thresher maws? No problem. Him? Him, she runs away from. "Commander, I think we should speak privately in your quarters."

Her jaw clenched, but the depth of that emotion didn't quite reach her eyes. "I don't think that would be appropriate right now, Alenko."

"Oh? Do you think a rendezvous in the men's washroom would be more appropriate?" He could feel his eyes burn as though they were hot coals resting in his head.

Shepard's stare scorched across a slow minute of silence. "One hour."

Her steps thudded across the floor grating as Kaidan watched her go. One. Two. Th-

BR-AHN! BR-AHN!

Alarms flooded the hall, carrying Joker's shout in from everywhere. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" The ship banked sharply sending datapads, lieutenant, and commander tumbling as the wall behind them exploded into flames.

Still there was Joker's voice. "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is _SSV Normandy_. We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy. Come on baby, hold together... Mayday! This is _SSV_ _Normandy_..."


	36. Epilogue: Shepard Commander

The walls of the _Normandy_ were a red, pulsing being. As Kaidan rushed down the hall, showers of hot sparks washed over his back, his head, his hands. A voice pushed against the roar. He couldn't hear the words it used.

Ahead, he glimpsed Shepard running toward crew quarters. The hall shook, swaying his vision violently askew. Flames erupted from a console ahead. Port side of the CIC. Burning heat everywhere. Something wet on his forehead. Later. His hands tore open the wall locker, grasping for the extinguisher.

A voice from everywhere. Moreau. "Critical systems failure. Abandon ship!"

Cold metal in his hands. Success. Kaidan opened fire on the inferno, engulfing the consoles, wall and floor, with smothering white foam. Another flame. Another. Another. Surrounded by hot, burning enemies. The lieutenant stayed. _Have to keep the path clear to the pods. _

Boots thundered past. Johnson. Chakwas. LeFou. Boots halted. Shepard. "Get them to the pods and get out of here."

Kaidan tossed the dead canister down. "Joker's still on the bridge."

"Damnit." The Commander ground her teeth and pushed off toward the bridge.

The lieutenant followed. Shepard whirled around, shoving her hands against his chest. "Get. Out. Now! I'll get Joker."

"I'm not leaving-"

"That's an order, Lieutenant!"

"Aye aye, ma'am." Kaidan turned. Shepard swept by behind him. Red walls rushed past. The pod opening appeared before him. Still someone out. The lieutenant shoved them in, barking. "Get inside, now!"

He stood at the threshold. One second. Two. The pod was at capacity. Three. Four. Kaidan moved inside. Five. He pushed the eject. The capsule screeched as it tore away. Falling. Falling. Then nothing. No crash into a friendly training pool. They were spinning in dead space.

Objects hurtled past the viewing window. Twisting cords, bulkhead fragments, black space. Automatically, the lieutenant checked the trajectory, checked for landing sites, checked for other pods. Too far. He took a tally of the crew. No major injuries. All seats filled. "If you haven't got your hard-suit. I'd strongly suggest you grab one from the storage under your seats now."

The blood that had been dripping down his forehead dried. All that was left was to sit and wait.

* * *

The first face Kaidan saw when the pod door popped belonged to a somber gunnery chief coated in splatters of read and white. Her armored hand hovered before him, bringing with it the rush of icy air. "Welcome to Alchera, LT." Despite his suit's regulation, he couldn't help shivering as grabbed her hand and he pushed himself out of the pod. "Sitrep?"

"The area is secured for now. Distress beacon has been activated. All pods accounted for. 21 crewmen dead or MIA - Pressly, Draven, Emerson, Tanaka, Tucks, Laflamme..." Her gaze drifted off into the open snow fields. "Shepard."

"Shepard?" He couldn't help himself. Concern rose like a knife through him, overriding the unease at Ash's assessment of their security as 'safe for now'.

"Pod 113 was the last to arrive. It... it only had Joker on it." The chief at wiped a layer of frost that was accumulating over the blood stains on her visor. She didn't meet his gaze.

The snow around Kaidan began to turn red as his eyes narrowed. "Where is he?"

"Woah, LT." Ash spread her hands over his chest-plate. "Thrashing him won't put her in that pod. It's not his fau-"

"Yes." Kaidan glowered. "It is."

The gunnery chief shifted back a step, her face falling as her eyes flickered off in the direction of a lone hard-suited figure. Between the snow and helmet visor, it was hard to tell if that soldier was indeed Lieutenant Moreau, but then again it entirely didn't matter if it was. They were all at fault somehow.

"Hey!" Kaidan called as he reached out to grip the other man's shoulder. "What happened up there?" Despite the cold, he could feel his blood burning.

The pilot wouldn't look up. "I'm such an idiot. I should have gone to the pods. By the time Shepard - she hauled my ass out, there wasn't time. Something blew. She... Man, I saw her get spaced. I kept pounding on the window like that would help." Joker broke off, reaching to pull at the brim of a ball cap that wasn't there. "Shit, man. She's still out there somewhere in the black."

"Out there?" Kaidan looked up, beyond the snow-laden sky toward the black he knew was there. "She could still be alive. Her suit must have had a few hours of oxygen, heat regulation..." The lieutenant clung to a sliver of hope as he began doing the math.

Moreau shook his head. "She's gone, man."

Gone. She couldn't be gone. The lieutenant looked to the gunnery chief, expressionless as his buoy of anger dropped out from under him. The chief looked to the pilot. There was a great hole between them where their commander should have been. The trio simply stood there, heads down, collecting snow. Gun shots peppered the silence then stopped.

Kaidan's eyes returned Ash. "_How do we go on?" _The words hung on his lips, coming out instead as, "Hostiles?"

"The geth detachment we were fighting was only an arm. We never found their base of operations." The chief returned his gaze with a will of tempered steel. _"One step at a time."_

Colors faded back into the world though they didn't seem quite real. "Sounds like they found you."

The chief nodded as she peered out in the direction of the shots. "Just a scout team. We've got forty-eight hours before pick-up gets here. I don't expect the flashlight-heads to wait that long for a full attack." Something seemed to change in Ash went on to detail the events before the pod landings. As though her purpose on this planet, her last orders from Shepard, anesthetized her to the pain. "The cold has been playing tricks with all our proximity readings so we're doing this manually."

Willing to follow her example, Kaidan's eyes drifted along the perimeter the ground team had set up around the escape pods. The south and west were nothing but a single rock face rising beyond his line of vision. Wrex and what looked like Tali were positioned along the east behind a large chunk of what used to be part of the Mess Hall. A group of men and woman he couldn't recognize through the icy flakes held steady across the line from there. He didn't see Garrus at first until a glint of a sniper's scope along the ledge where the Mako had landed caught his eye. Unlike the rest, the turian wasn't watching the great open fields, his sights were focused on the walls. Despite the arranged fortification, there was still a hole in the line. "We've got the north end then."

"Yes, sir. We set up alternating shift changes of about six hours to give the suits time to recharge though Garrus has been out there for twelve now. Pods 107 through 110 have been converted to temporary med bays by Doctor Chakwas, 95 and 108 aren't functional, and all the rest in the area stand as relief bunkers."

The lieutenant nodded and headed down toward the north end of the perimeter where scattered cargo crates awaited him. Joker didn't follow.

* * *

"Multiple contacts. Eleven, twelve, and one o'clock!" The transmission from the east team was distorted in Kaidan's ear, but the message was clear. Ahead dark shapes began to emerge in the blankets of white. Squinting, he could count more of them than his combat scanner told them there were. The lieutenant's arm protested as he reached for his pistol. It had been four hours since the initial contact.

Keeping his eyes on the field Kaidan replied to his team, "Looks like six troopers at eleven, five at one. Two armatures in the middle. Be on the look out for any drones or hoppers. They'll be almost invisible in this mess." A ball of crackling blue energy scorched the air over his head. "And watch those siege pulses."

Once they were in range of the perimeter, the armatures bunkered down in the snow drifts, leaving only their dangerous heads visible. The set of troopers advanced from both sides as one unit. Firing began on both sides before either was in accurate range. Then the troopers stopped.

Beside Kaidan, Ash muttered a stream of curses as she tossed a heat sink out. The small cartridge melted its way down into the snow, joining a host of others. "They're just playing with us." She jammed a new sink in, growling as she took aim once more. "Come over here, you walking refrigerators!"

An increasing buzz heralded the arrival of two drones overhead. Kaidan momentarily abandoned his pistol as he wreathed himself in dark energy. Spinning around to match their movement, he thrust his hand outward, increasing the gravity around them before flinging the two flying discs back toward their own front line on a low trajectory.

They exploded against two of the troopers as two shots from the ledge above felled two more. The lieutenant was just taking aim at one of the armature heads when all of the white around him blossomed into a bitter, sparkling orange, outlined in red. The crushing boom that followed shook several large chunks of debris down from the cliffs.

A voice crackled to life in his ear. "Crew of the _SSV Normandy_, this is Captain Scheherade of the _SSV Einstein_. Those tin cans giving you some trouble?"

For that single moment, the smile that plastered itself over Kaidan's face was pure relief. "Not anymore, sir. Appreciate the assist. Staff Lieutenant Alenko out."

"We'll be landing two klicks east of your position in twenty. Come on over when you're done playing with the rest of those robots gone wild. Scheherade out."

With the armatures out of the way, the _Normandy_ team made quick work of the few remaining troopers that head been ahead of the blast. As the crew pulled up their makeshift camp and headed for the extraction point, something still plagued the lieutenant about the assault. These geth hadn't acted like the raider forces he'd encountered before. They were more like a swarm of bees guarding their hive. He couldn't quite place together what it meant-

"You Alenko?" A gruff older man with a scar tracing just outside his left eye towered over the lieutenant from the top of the boarding stairs.

Kaidan nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Fine work out there. Sorry to hear about your commander. Had been looking forward to meeting the Hero of the Citadel myself, but not like this." He shook his head. "Damn shame."

Kaidan worked for a moment to speak around his clenched jaw. "This is Shepard we're talking about. She could still be out there."

Scheherade leaned down. "You know what the chances of that are, son? We've got the report from your gunnery chief. Spaced six hours ago. Even the best suits-" He shook his head as he read the lieutenant's face. "We'll run a few laps of the area, keep the scans open..." With a sigh, the captain turned and vanished into his ship. The lieutenant didn't have to be told to follow.

* * *

Hours later, alone in a borrowed sleeper pod, Kaidan's mind was too occupied to allow his body to rest. A mental vid of Shepard played over and over. Diligent searching hadn't turned up anything - wouldn't find anything. The woman he loved was dead and they couldn't even find her corpse to bury.

Kaidan's shoulders shuddered as the sob that would no longer be denied wracked his body. None of the regulations mattered then. None of the battlefield successes. All he could think of were things he hadn't done with Shepard. There was so much he would do if he could just see her again...

**Fin.**

* * *

_Author's Note: Well, that's all folks. So many thanks to the sage Sinvraal and everyone else who took the time to tell me what they thought of my story. I do plan on a sequel that follows Kaidan through ME2 so check the profile for updates on when Surviving Shepard might be out if you're interested. Otherwise, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did._

_- V_**  
**


	37. Teaser

**Surviving Shepard. Chapter One.**

* * *

The glass shattered into thousands of tiny fragments as it flew across the room. The miniature pieces sparkled in the muted light of the lecture room before freezing in place. Kaidan held his outstretched hand steady while directing the dark energy surrounding the broken glass into a nearby trash bin. He closed his eyes and inhaled as the incident was contained. It was unintended, but useful.

When the staff commander returned his focus to the assembled group of biotic students, his expression revealed no hint of error. His voice held the smooth control he hoped would both intimidate and educate his audience. "And that is why control is the most important skill you will learn."

A slight girl with copper pigtails cupped a hand around her mouth as she whispered to the boy closest to her, "What just happened?"

. . .

* * *

_Author's Note: This is only a snippet from chapter one of Surviving Shepard. The story is continued at fanfiction dot net/s/6600088/1/_


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